DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Replying to echt
About liking them apples 🍎

@LookAtThatCritter Seems like the complete opposite of an equal relationship to me. The kids are now at school but yet husband is working very long hours to financially provide for everyone. And yet wife wants even more time to herself!

You need to get a job imho.

Maybe I have got an axe to grind on this one. Because I was working 70 hours a week on my own and doing the bare minimum to get by. At no point did I feel superior to a SAHM who felt rushed off her feet, as I was rushed off my feet too when I was a SAHM. It wasnt the same, but didnt feel less stressful or less busy.

And its the lack of respect shown to SAHM in general that pisses me off. When I was SAHM I am certain I was working more hours "on" than I did in the paid job. And its made worse when the paid worker simply disregards your work as "nothing to do all day", as evidenced by this thread. The fact that the WOHP can not give home a thought because of the SAHP is simply not respected at all.

As has been pointed out on MN many times over the years, if the husband in this case had outsourced what the OP does, it would cost him tens of thousand a year. But he resents her having 5 hours a week, when its the only time she can see her friends.

ETA

Who does the most of the "mental load" in your marriage? Even if its shared equally, do you think that your professional and personal life would be easier if you didnt have to give it any consideration because someone else was taking care of it? I would have given a kidney for that personally.....still would actually!

Can you do those classes when children are at school?

But the "SAHM" in this case has no reason not to get a job. Her children are in school. I have every ounce of respect for SAHMs at home with children - it's fucking hard. But she isn't.

We still both deal with sick days and events now as working parents. We take leave, call in sick, work from home and don't get much done. They don't get carted off because we've also got no one to help...because they're in work! But we just get on with it, and there's still time for all of the other nice stuff but we're on equal footing.

Come on, if the boot was on the other foot and you'd been working those 70 hours a week, got home and your DH (who'd been at home all day) said "bye, love! I'm off out to the pub!"...would you have been happy? I wouldn't. This isn't misogyny, I'm the last person on earth who'd be flinging that around. It's just fairness.

ETA: Both of us. It's completely split fairly, I would never have settled for less. I'm not exaggerating either. Everything is completely 50/50. And not really, I'm okay with it? When it's split it doesn't feel like a big thing. I genuinely, honestly mean that. I don't feel much stress from the mental load. I did when he was very unwell though and couldn't do it. That was horrible.

I think you should go back to work.

But would you be happier knowing someone else would deal with everything so you didnt have to? Like I said, I would! ETA Just seen your edit. So when you dealt with everything alone it was hard. It is, and he doesnt have to do any of it all. Surely that is worth someting?

I guess thats my issue.

We see it on here all the time, in fact there is a thread going on about a woman who did exactly this. Shouldered the burden of childcare, etc and has now been royally shafted because although her STBX was able to advance his Big Job thanks to her doing it, he gave what she did that allowed him to do that, no importance. He earned the money, so its all his. The fact that he couldnt have earned the money without her doing her part in facilitating her life, has passed him by. It maddens me that women also see it in the same way.

I am genuinely sorry for being so combative. I am an angry middle aged woman and threads like this grind my gears in a MASSIVE way.

Mainly, I am angry at women being disrespected no matter we do. If we work we are bad mothers, if we dont work we are lazy.

My ex was like that. He got worse and worse. That’s why he’s an ex.

I agree with the few posters above - you’re unemployed or a housewife not a SAHM. All this carry on about mental load and pressing the doilies. You all do realise working families get they done while putting in 40 hour weeks? I’ve never understood this idea that children are replacements for being gainfully employed. Unless I was independently wealthy there’s just no way I’d consider not having my own career. Being a mother (or father) is a relationship not a job. As for the OP I don’t blame the husband in this scenario. I’d get myself a job and do my courses outside of that.

So in other words, he believes you spend your days at home painting your toenails and eating bonbons?

So work first kids second?

Then why have kids at all?

Maybe? I suppose I don't really think about it! It just blends into life - I don't feel like there's lots of stuff! I suppose I'd not mind a PA to remind me to fill my car up or get a haircut. It could also just be how my brain works, or we have a small family.

Look, I totally get where you're coming from because I agree with you! Women are always getting shafted in this kind of way. I think it's the main reason I always say, make sure you're married before kids, keep a job of some form, don't let the fuckers creep up and pull the rug from under you.

I don't think OP is lazy. I really don't, I just know plenty of women at home (several who text me many times a day telling me of their adventures), and they're not all slaving over the hob bare foot. I think if we want equality we need to bloody take it, because we're not getting given it - I saw the same thread and it made me furious. It's not fair. But, in this OP's case, I can see where her DH is coming from.

DH was trampled by a horse years ago, disabled for two years and couldn't work. Awful pain 24/7. Tried his best at home. I was still working and the stress was huge. If I'd come home and he'd gone out I'd have been furious. I know that's a different situation but that's the closest I personally know with one working parent and a couple of kids. It nearly killed me.

I'm sorry if I come across as aggressive, too. Not at all my intention. ❤️

ETA: It was hard! But that's because I was also working 40 hours a week.

Not that simple. Why can I have both successfully and others can’t? My child has grown up seeing both her parents work, care for her, further our education over the years and share the load of housework and admin. Funnily enough it doesn’t take me 35 hrs a week to clean the house and do my washing.

She has friends and she's entitled to see them at a time when it's convenient for them all.

Maybe the friends are not able to meet up at weekends? They might have partners who work weekends, or maybe they have jobs themselves.

The woman is not a hermit, and it's horrible of her husband, who sees colleagues daily at work, and gets to enjoy adult company, to begrudge her this contact with her friends.

They are his children FFS.

He's not "looking after them". It's called parenting.

If she decided his meanspiritedness and obvious failure to understand that parenting involves taking care of your children occasionally were to give her enough of the ick to leave him, he'd be stuck parenting at least every other weekend amd overnight in Wednesdays. How would that appeal to mister Big Important Job?

Or would he prefer if he had to fork over for childcare and a weekly cleaner and ironing service, and cooking duties amd child drop off and pick up and sick day duties shared evenly if the OP went back to work?

Agree.

Well said.

There's so much horrible snideness on this thread, so much seething envy - or is it hatred - of women who are SAHMs. It's disgusting.

Going week after week without the opportunity to have a grown up conversation with women who get you and your life makes for a very unhappy wife and mother.

The problem this woman has is not the lack of a job. It's a husband who has a sense of entitlement as big and as tedious as the state of Ohio, who hasn't realised that he's as much a parent to his children as his wife is, and feels very sorry for himself and unappreciated because he's expected to do some of the parenting, the poor diddums.

His wife is a human being, not some sort of indentured servant holding the fort at all times in case her lord and master takes it so easy at the office that he has to finish tasks in the evening. He should be a lot more concerned for her welfare than he is, and he should be leaping at the chance to parent his children.

I would say I need something for me, so I guess the alternative is I go back to work, we get everything done split between us in the evenings, that will take up far more of your evening time though?

Amen to that.

We women will NEVER make progress when we shit from a great height in our sahm sisters.

We are playing the misogynists' game for them when we disparage sahms and judge the worth of a woman by her ability to earn money.

Shame on you all.

Because you are better than other people?!

OK that was me being combative again.

But dont you see that this attitude is anti woman? You did it, great. I just about managed it, barely. Not everyone can. And for a huge amount of reasons. Why do you think that your way is the only way?

Like I said, angry and middle aged. It aint a great combination!

Friends?!

Haha, I'm poorly and on my period, so I'm blaming that. 😁

Of course!! Hugs and 🍷 to you, I know I'll need it by the end of this week!

The thread is misleading to not share straight away the following for a fair representation:

1. Your children are at school age. You are essentially child free all day while your children are at school and so if is only the early mornings getting ready and after schools during the week looking after children.
2. You DH is working all day and it sounds like two evenings a week he’s working, then looking after the children, then having to log on for work after putting children to bed. This gives your DH no downtime at all these days and puts him at risk of burnout, to facilitate your course preferred time. This in my view is not fair at all, particularly given the first point where you have the daytime child free 8.30am-3pm for downtime opportunity too.

YABVU to do this two evenings a week. If it had been one evening it wouldn’t be so bad.

I am on the fence. He should look after his own kids without complaint, but if he has to log back on again after dealing with the kids, I can see why he’s complaining. That said, many women (including myself) have had to manage that for years as a single working mum. I think a job would give you what you need, but during the day when DC are at school. DH might also complain when he’s coming home and helping more if you’re working, but at least there would be 2 incomes. I think one evening per week and take some time on the weekend might be a better compromise.

Haha! By the end of tomorrow(today?!) for me more likely!

Hugs to you too!