DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I think you both need equal down time. Does he have any evenings out? Or are you willing for him to take 2 evenings to himself as well? If your children are at school all day, there might be classes that you could do while they are at school instead? The evening is sometimes quite a tricky part of parenting so I can see why it's a bit exhausting for him if he is working all day and then parenting all night when you could do your thing at a different time of day. Totally accept that some single parents have to do it all alone, but that doesn't mean that it's fun and of we can support each other and make it easier for our partner I think it's always a good thing.

Does he get down time. He should get a couple evenings or one day at weekends off

Well, as a SAHM of kids in school FT, my reality is that out of 5 weekdays two, maybe three are spent doing stuff for the family and home. Then I have two or sometimes three to myself. My DH gets none. I ensure I do 80-90% of my socialising during the day.

Also, 3 kids at dinner time, bathtime and bedtime is a lot. Those hours are hectic. Remembering stuff for the next day, dealing with tired kids, last minute requests etc. Now and then is fine. But twice a week, week in week out - that’s not cool I think when you have so much time to yourself that he doesn’t get. And it’s never 6-8. You have to get there and back, and get ready to leave and travel home afterwards too.

It is difficult when your friends work, but it’s life. You can still see them. Just not twice a week every week.

(Also, I think it’s sub ideal for two fifths of weekday dinner times to be disjointed. This is when you all sit together as a family. You’re not going to night school to get a qualification to get back to work. You’re socialising.)

I think you are being a bit unfair here. Can you do those classes during the day at all? Or trade some of the weekend childcare? Mines in pre-school now but I also have a cleaner but after he gets home DH and I split everything 50/50 and weekends are 50/50 too. I still consider it to be slightly to my benefit as I have more downtime than DH.

Obviously days off and school stuff is on me but I get 5 hours (minimum) hours a week where I don’t have to do anything at all during term time whereas DH is working or doing house stuff most of the time. Over a year I have way more time to myself than he does.

You have a lot of free time during the day, you should be doing them then. He is probably very tired.

Compromise with once a week.

Lets be frank, you have much more free time than your DH, find an activity / hobby during the day, and see your friends in the evening on occassion.

I was a SAHM briefly when DD was in reception/yr 1 (I was job hunting after moving cities), any stuff that needed doing around the house / admin was finished by mid morning after I dropped her off. I had oodles of time to fluff about.

If your DH spends, say, all Saturday with his mates, then he would be unreasonable to complain. But you have a lot of down time during the week that he doesn’t, so if he’s at work all week and then with you and/or the kids every evening and all weekend, he probably isn’t getting a fair shake. I absolutely see your need to have time with friends and why that can’t be done while the kids are in school, but I’m not sure two evenings a week before the kids are in bed is reasonable if your DH isn’t also taking 5 hours of time to himself during some of the most fraught childcare hours.

You don’t work and your kids are in school, but you also go out twice a week? You are taking the mick. No wonder he’s pissed off.

I can see his point. If your 3 children are in school, it means you have enough time in the day for activities. If he’s having to do more work after putting the kids to bed those 2 days as you’ve said then you’re really taking the mick now. If you must go out with your friends then you compromise with one day a week and do other activities during the day.

I think if you had children at home during the day then that's fair enough but if you already have 5 days to yourself while your husband is at work then that's taking the piss.

I work part time with 3 primary aged children and where possible try to keep my socialising do the days when they are at school and I am not at work. At a push I think one night a week is reasonable.

Between clubs, homework, housework and packed lunches and uniforms it's usually a 2 man job for us in the evenings, I certainly couldn't manage to go out 2 nights mid week.

Two nights out a week, every week is a bit much in this situation, and your DH has a valid point.

If I were you I'd cut it back to one day a week, every week and find some social activities you can do during the day with different friends.

Sorry OP but I can see his point. I'm completely in favour of a SAHM having time to themselves, but this does seem like taking the piss. I think one evening a week would be a fair compromise. Or you could go back to work and then two evenings a week will be fine.

You are married to a bullying, miserable arsehole.

But yeah, you have to get back to work, so you can save some money for when you finally cannot tolerate him anymore.

This is what most people seem to think being a SAHM is! There’s a massive expectation that you cover any and all childcare.

I had an emotional explosion at my DH the other day explaining that ‘I ONLY exist in two states, either solo parenting alone or co parenting with you. I’m never not parenting!’ His shifts actually prevent me joining any sort of clubs or hobbies due to them being so changeable, long commutes and never finishing on time (he’s a resident specialist doctor) so I literally have no life! One of our children is 3 and not at school yet whilst the other is severely disabled and extremely hard work. It’s absoloutley exhausting!

Considering he has to log back into work once they are in bed I would be annoyed in his situation. You have all day to yourself whilst they are at school. I think one day would be more reasonable.

He's being selfish! SAHM is not a 24/7 job, it's a day job whilst DP is at work, then it's a 50:50 split. He's not looking after his kids, he's parenting when you're out. You're not a skave to the kids, you're a human. Put him straight and w joy your time away from the house

I was a sahm for years, recently started working.

Honestly a lot of the household stuff expanded to fill the time available. Now I have less time, its quicker. I work school hours (8-3/4 depending on day). So still do all the after school stuff, which can be intense.

Yes, sahm should have a life outside the home. If it were classes for a qualification to get work, it would be more justifiable. But leisure can generally take place in the school day. (With a caveat of evenings in school holidays!)

Right. Sole parent time ends when there are two parents there, and SAHMs have a right to and a need for time off from their unpaid job which is very much a job too.

5 or 6 hours a week being left alone with his own children. Oh no, what a nightmare for the poor downtrodden man 🙄

From his POV you have about 30 hours a week at home without the kids which is a lot of time to spend as you choose and there’ll be classes you could take in that time.
Is the problem that he doesn’t want to do bedtime for 3 kids by himself two nights a week or that you get a lot of free time and he doesn’t?

It'll be this, this is how i would feel. Its just important that both get equal leisure time as it is that money is shared

OP says all 3 kids are at school, that's at least 30 hours of kid-free time during the day in the week. Even allowing time for house stuff/life admin, that's a lot of down time/me time.

Not saying that the OP is wrong to do an evening class because cause sometimes that's just when the particular class is, but it's not like that is the only time they have for themselves.

I had a month off work between jobs, my kids are school age. I had SO much time! I would drop dc at school and be home by 9, do an hour of house stuff, then go out & do whatever i fancied, then get home at about 2. I could do another hour of jobs at home before collecting kids. My house was sparkling and i had loads of me time. I used to get annoyed after that with sahm claiming they'd no time & spent all day on housework & life admin.

Your situation is completely different from the OP though. You have no child free time and she has loads!

Team husband, I agree you’re taking the piss - sorry! He works full time plus more at home in the evening and has to spend two of those evenings juggling it with the kids so that you can go out and get adult company after having 30 hours of solo time all week?! I think you need to get a job. That would get you plenty of adult company and stop your brain going to mush better than evening courses surely?

I can see your husband's point and agree with some others, once evening a week is enough. Especially as all 3 kids are in school...

5 or 6 hours a week being left alone with his own children.

Or, 30+ hours a week childfree time, in the day when the kids are at school, for the OP.

When does OP's husband get (let's be charitable here and assume that half OP's child free hours during the daytime is spent doing household/things for the kids) 15 childfree hours when he doesn't have any other demands like work on that time?