DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I wouldn't be happy if this was my partner in this particular situation even if I didn't have work to do once home but especially if I still had work to do once home.
Wife - not working doing 80% of housework through the week and looking after the kids after school soley and doing 20% housework at the weekends and now out two evenings a week.
Husband - working through the week and doing 20% of housework plus extra work when home and then 80% of housework over the weekend and looking after three children solely two evenings a week.
I'd be telling my partner you got the easy side of it as itis home for 6 hours a day 5 days a week with no children and can take a break from household duties when you like with out the two evenings out a week for 'me' time'. If partner was persistent they want to do the course i'd be suggesting doing a course during school hours and then you doing any remaining household chores after children are in bed you will meet new people or you can pick up the 80% of housework at weekends so I can get some down time like you get every day in the week not that it be the same while the children are there or get a job to balance it out a tad more.
BTW I'm a sahm too and can understand wanting some time for yourself but putting more on your partner that already does more than his fair share is unreasonable

What sort of classes are these? If the primary purpose is to meet up with friends you don’t have to go to yoga or watercolour painting to meet them surely? I go to daytime classes and meet new people, or go out with friends for a meal and a chat as and when, not regularly twice a week.

You're not a SAHM though. You're just unemployed; your kids are in school.

I'd be mighty unhappy if I was working 35/40 hour weeks and my DH was at home, then swanned off in the evenings too. There's only so much cleaning and cooking to be done during the day - most working parents do that on top of their job.

Sorry. I was ready to back you up, OP, but I can see why your DH isn't happy. You need to get a job, then you can split housework and leisure equally. If he's still complaining then, then he's a dick.

Jesus Christ here come all the arseholes crying "Oh my god your kids are at school therefore you have enough spare time"

Last time I checked dear misogynistic arseholes a woman agreeing to a SAHM is deserving of a life outside of the house.The M in SAHM doesn't stand for thé word Maid.

The house doesn't magically clean itself;the shopping doesn't drop itself off,laundry doesn't clean itself and meals don't appear out of thin air;unbelievably SAHM mums don't sit on their arses all day counting down the seconds until school pick up.

6 hours disappeared pretty quickly when you're trying to get stuff done without your kids underfoot and let's not forget that sick days off school and school holidays exist when kids are at home all day.

So just shout this louder for the idiots at the back SCHOOL HOURS ARE NOT FREE TIME BECAUSE SHIT STILL HAS TO BE DONE.

Just because a man has a job he doesn't get to absolve himself of all other responsibilities;the OP can't clock out after putting in full time hours.

So yes it's perfectly fine for a man to actually care for his own kids whilst his leaves the house for a few hour twice a week.

Thanks for listening.

Go back to work.

Better for finances, your sanity and self worth, and it evens the balance.

He doesnt view housework (including washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, life admin) as work or childcare (including being available for all illnesses, appts, school runs with all their stuff) as work either. So stop doing it all.

Tell him that on balance you think that to get things fairer by his view, you are going to go back to work and hand over 50% of it to him. Tell him that your two nights a week stay, but he also has two nights a week too, on the same basis as yours (same hours etc).

See what his reaction is, positive or negative. But either way, I think you should do it.

@PyongyangKipperbang My guess is that OP doesn't want to go back to work. She has quite a cushty number here.

'I am taking these courses with friends so its not possible to do them during the day'

How is that your DHs problem ? I agree with some orher pps that you have free schooldays.

Also what do you mean by he has you three days looking after them, there is seven in a week ??

How much housework can be done in one day?! We clean up after breakfast, lunch, dinner. We tidy as we go along and do a deep clean (everything pulled out) once a week. House is clean. Kids make their own beds. We do all of this on top of working and our house is not a grotty hole.

Laundry goes in of a morning/evening and the machine does it. We batch cook on a Sunday.

For goodness sake, being at home with kids is damn hard work, but OP isn't doing that. Calm down.

No one is spending from 9-3 cleaning and scrubbing, and if they are, I'd advise them to meet with their GP.

Holidays, school fetes, Xmas fayre, nativity plays, parents evenings, sick days, inset days.

At one point it felt like a huge thing to get one single week out of the whole sodding year to not have a reason to go into school, or to not have at least one of them at home!

So when is your DH getting a break?

Seems like on his days off work he's expected to do the lion's share of housework.

Your kids are in school. OP, in the nicest way possible something needs to shift here. I think you know that.

Find some daytime friends and see the others at the weekend.

He has a point.

@PyongyangKipperbang Yes, how ridiculous to expect a SAHM with school-age kids to actually have her children at home with her ever!

Well done you.

When do you have a life in between batch cooking and deep cleaning? Yah know, going for a run, saying "oh bollocks to it" and ordering a pizza and letting the dust sit there, meeting a mate for a couple of drinks?

Sounds very very boring frankly. And I say this a single mother of 6 who worked a more than full time job when they were still at home! The dust would sit for weeks sometimes, we would have takeaways instead of me wasting a precious day off on batch cooking. So what? No one died!

Eh? What sense does that make?

I'm saying we all just get on with it, because we both work so we both chip in! We've got loads of time to do all sorts - my point is that life doesn't revolve around cleaning up. We've got two, both of us work, we manage to keep it tidy and still have a life.

My point here is that the pp was saying how many things need doing a day. I'm saying they...don't? I'm a bit confused by your post.

Dont be childish, you know exactly the point I was making about the assumption that having school aged kids meaning you have 6 hours a day 39 weeks a year free time. And in case you are hard of thinking......

The fact that she is there to cover all of those things means that he never has to think about it. He never has to consider (as I and every parent in a working family has to) how the hell to get the morning or afternoon off for a play or fayre. He never has to worry about calling in to work AGAIN because one kid got noro, then each of the others got it and then, the parent got it too. He doesnt have to think about how they will juggle their AL to cover the holidays. Because the OP is doing that. He simply doesnt not have to give it brain space, he has someone else who does all of that.

But I think you knew that really and are just resentful that the OP has time to do things that you dont have time to do.

Get a job @Mellowblue , and you should because unless your DH is paying into a private pension for you, you are making yourself very vulnerable.

Then tell DH he will now need to:

share the school drop-offs and pick-ups
share being on call for children's appointments
share being on call for children being ill
share being on call for school holiday care
50% share of all household tasks all the time: shopping, meals, gardening, washing, cleaning.

See how he likes them apples.

I think a SAHM when the kids are at school means you have shitloads of potential free time, I say this as a SAHM currently. I would be annoyed if I were doing a day's work, then putting the kids to bed and then logging on to do more work all while you could potentially relax all day and then go out to socialise at night.

But they do need doing in your world. Thats why you work all week in a paid job and then spend an utterly boring weekend doing them.

The OP doesnt do a deep clean on a Saturday because she cleans during the week. She doesnt batch cook on a Sunday because she cooks during the week. You and she are doing the same things, just in a different way. Its just that you tried to make your way sound far more worthy simply because you also work FT.

The OP is just getting on with it. And by her doing that, her husband doesnt have to.

I'd be annoyed too if I was him..

I think one evening hobby for a couple of hours, no one would bat an eyelid at, but two is definitely taking the piss, seeing as during the day you are free to come and go as you please, set your own schedule and arrange anything you want, all day every day, with no children.

He's telling you how this is making him feel, I'd listen if I were you. it's nothing to do with him having to parent his own kids and you know it.

Out of interest does he have any child free time when he's not at work?

@PyongyangKipperbang Yes because he husband is working his backside off hour after hour to financially (solely) provide for his family.
What is exactly IS her role then if she shouldn't be expected to do the things you list?!!
She is taking the proverbial.
I would never expect my husband to work ft whilst I was a SAHM to children at school. We both have a duty to provide financially.

Erm..no, I don't. 😂 We clean as we go along so we don't have to do big massive scrubs. Then, as we both WFH, spend an afternoon when we've got not much on cleaning and on calls, and do stuff like pull out sofas. Weekends are for fun. Batch cooking is also fun - the kids love it. They ask to do it. It's also not set in stone. We cook of a weekday sometimes too, which we also do together and is fun.

You can dress it up in anger if you like, that's fine. But spending from 9-3 every day at home for 5 days a week, OP is not spending every minute of every hour slaving away. I know plenty of women at home while their kids are in school. They're not housemaids!

I usually quite like your posts but I think you've got a bit of an axe to grind on this one.

Also, if she worked then she and her DH could split those chores 50/50. Then they could choose their leisure time appropriately.

Get a grip. It doesn't take 30 child free hours a week to run a home. Most of us do it around the 40 hours a week we're at work.

She isn't working full time, she has 30 hours a week outside of her "job" of looking after the children to fulfill household duties and have leisure time, which is a lot more time than her husband gets or working mums get, I really don't see why you're so angry or think she's so hard done by.

You could equally say the house and kids don't pay for themselves so she should be grateful she doesn't have to go to work and suck it up so her husband can have a break too.

Sorry as a Mum of 4 under 4 I wouldn't dream of taking evenings of my kids were at school during the day giving you plenty of time to do things. Hubby goes to work and supports the household fully and we want for nothing and it doesn't mean take the mick

But they haven't always been in primary school. She's had however many years of pregnancy and raising young kids with very little time to herself. Her DH has been able to go to work without needing to worry about the childcare (as far as I'm understanding from the info she's provided). Her kids might be in primary school now, but I'm she's doing most of the housework, the mental and physical organisation and all that comes with young kids plus being around to cover sick days, school holidays etc.

In a successful, equal relationship a DH wouldn't bat an eyelid at 2 nights a week for her to see friends and take some classes. There's still 5 nights a week that she's home for. She even stated that these can't be done during the day, they're activities running at those times on those evenings.

This is just my opinion and I'm not trying to get into an argument about it, but I can't imagine my DH having an issue with what is really a small amount of time per week that can make a huge mental difference.

700% house hold chores a week
She does 80% x 5 and 20% x 2 = 440
He does 80% x 2 and 20% x 5 = 260
He only would need to do 90% more a week to be doing 50% of the weeks household chores 350%
If she got a job and boosted they household income maybe he would be able to afford to get a job that wouldn't require him to work once home or get a job he could work less hours maybe he be happier with sharing the school runs than having to work once home from work and soley watch 3 children by himself twice a week I'd actually much perfer them apples than the raw deal he got right now