DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

That's not a lot to do in the massive amount of hours OP has to do them in.

@ThatAgileGoldMoose The things that all working parents do too. As well as work.

Go back to work. You are taking the proverbial.

Tbf she says he does 80% of the cleaning on weekends so considering the children are off school that's probably more cleaning that during the week.

Everything is done during the weekday. It’s only small amount of cleaning / housework on the weekends which is why he does his share.

Would you not be pissed off if your DH had 6 hours free per day, and then fucked off for 2 nights a week, while you had to work FT, and share the evening load 5 days a week including weekends??

@adriftinadenofvipers But being a SAHM to kids that are all at school IS work, right? How can one possibly do anything else in those 30+ hours a week of child-free time?!

Exactly! When does the OP's DH get his 30 childfree hours in the week?!!

OP - what do YOU think is reasonable? Have you suggested to your husband you go back to work?

You need a job, you're obviously in need of adult company. That makes perfect sense, household chores are boring and lonely.

If you were working I'd say fair enough to the two nights per week, but as it stands you don't do very much at all. So kids stuff in the evening kind of is your job.

The solution is getting a job during the day, and getting your H to do 50/50 at home. It's a much better balance for everyone.

I don't think it's a great hardship for him to look after his kids for a couple of hours and put them to bed two days a week! Many mothers work full time and still have to do dinner/homework/bedtime when they get home every night! He still has 5 evenings a week when he could do hobbies/socialising/sports if he chooses to. He should want to spend time with his kids when he gets home!

So while he's doing "his share of Cleaning" are you out earning "your share" to pay the bills?

In these circumstances, YABU and you are indeed taking the piss.
Particularly if still has work to do when he gets home.

He should want to spend time with his kids when he gets home!
But unfortunately, he still has to work. And clearly that's not quality time.

Many mothers work full time and still have to do dinner/homework/bedtime
That specific mother doesn't work.

I would probably agree with this to be honest

You've got a pretty good deal. If you don't want to return to work, volunteer in the daytime to have adult company and see friends once a week to prevent your brain from turning to mush?

I see his point.

Have you been a SAHM since all the kids were born? Not that it makes a huge difference, but it's not like you haven't been working your arse off for probably almost a decade now. 2 nights a week isn't a big deal. It sounds like you'd do them in the day if you could, but you're with friends so it's not possible. Struggling to see the issue from your DH if I'm honest!

@LookAtThatCritter I personally don't call having 30+ child-free hours per week at home "working your arse off".
That sounds like what her husband is doing, however.

I was fully expecting to be on your side on this, but I'm Team DH.
You have vastly more free time than he does and that's why it doesn't feel fair. It's nothing to with him not wanting to parent, it's that two days a week you have about 6 hours free time during the day followed by another 2-3 hours off on the evening. Meanwhile he does a full working day, does the hands on parenting during the witching hour and then has another couple of hours work.
I think it would feel different if you were doing a night class to get qualifications to head back to work or something, but you yourself say it's a social thing.
Obviously noone would say never go out in the evenings, but look at the free time balance with impartial eyes if you can.

Its a few hours. For yourself.
I think I'd tell him, I understand his concerns but as you've already committed to it this term, lets just see how it goes and if he feels he is struggling for those few hours, you can talk about it again then, but you're completing what you've signed up (and paid) for. If it's too challenging for him- maybe next term you might do just one class in the evening. Or you might go back to work full time!- an he'd be doing way more!
Sounds perfectly reasonable and healthy to me. Is he considering its a nice thing for you to do with your friends?
God help him if you ever get sick or something and he has to do it all- all the time!

God help them all if he gets sick and there's no money coming in....

If he’s normally involved and an active parent I’d be listening to him.

Plenty of people jumped in with mumsnet cliches like sneering at the ‘big important job’ (that keeps a family of five fed and sheltered) and feigning outrage at him for not ‘parenting’ enough (I assume forgetting that a massive part of parenting is financially supporting one’s children). These people can usually safely be ignored as they don’t really have much of a grasp on reality.

It sounds like you have a pretty good deal with time to yourself every day during the week and only doing 20% of housework on weekends. It might be time to listen to him if he feels this has moved over the edge of what seems fair.

You do realise that woman who are stay at home mums are allowed to leave the house unaccompanied by children outside of the hours of 9am-3pm Monday to Friday term time only right?

@Duckingella Very lucky them!

I’m a SAHM. I do go out regularly in the evenings but 2 nights a week every single week is quite a lot when you have a lot of free time in the day so I do have sympathy with his position. I can understand you want to meet up with friends who work but does it have to be every single week? I can imagine many replies would be different if you worked not him and he was out playing sport or in the pub twice a week. I do most of my regular hobbies and interests in the free time I have while the kids are at school.