DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Yanbu. It’s two evenings out of seven, not five as your email seems to suggest! That’s really not much. It’s all very well saying you have plenty free time during the day, but I’m assuming the OP is also keeping on top of housework during that time and probably doing all the cooking during the week. Plus she quite clearly states those hobbies don’t have classes in the day time. Regardless of any argument about who gets more downtime, he should want you to pursue interests that improve your mental health and make you happy, if he loves and wants the best for you. Presumably he does somethings some evenings or if he wanted to you wouldn’t stop him?

Ur out two nights he has kids you home three nights of the week you have kids who has kids otjer two nights

Ur out two nights he has kids you home three nights of the week you have kids who has kids otjer two nights

You can see his point?. I can't. My husband would never treat me like this and vice versa. You're not tied to the house and children same as him. Why are so many women on here married to dickheads who let them push them around and dictate what they can and can't do? It's not 1932, do what you like or tell him to get lost

Torn. Having to do work once the kids are in bed sounds shit.

If she tells him to get lost she will have to get a job because he is their sole earner. He will also haveore free time as he will have his kids 50/50 instead of all the time. It's her that would lose not him.

She isn't a sahm. She's a woman who doesn't work, has kids in school, shares the hw with husband and has 5 days a week to herself. She selfishly now wants 3 evenings to herself too.

Somebody mentioned what Op's husband would do if he dropped dead... I think her dh would be fine but Op wouldn't as she would actually have to work, do all the hw and childcare and lose her free time. Doesn't sound like Op does a lot of actual parenting.

If her dh is doing housework on the weekends (and 80% of it, by the o/p’s own admission), it doesn’t sound like she’s keeping on top of it in the week.

whether the dh wants her to pursue interests or not, he’s clearly saying that he is struggling with his work, childcare, and housework load. He’s working 5 days a week, solo parenting two evenings, doing the bulk of the housework and childcare at weekends. Presumably he’s not leaving the the o/p to it on the other 3 evenings.

o/p as a sahm with kids in school should be looking at ways to share that load more evenly, not just complaining he won’t take even more on.

like I said, she needs to either get a job and take the pressure off his work, or get stuff done while the kids are in school so he isn’t picking up housework at the weekends.

So you have 3 kids all at school?

Do you work at all?

If yes then I see your need.

If not, he's right, you're taking the piss seeing as u have 30 hours a week to yourself to do stuff. I don't believe housework takes 30 hours a week, I also have 3 children my house is very clean and tidy and I spend 1-2 hours of cleaning a day and that's including dinner etc but I'm also a part time nurse.

OP doesn't work at all. She doesn't want to because well, why bother?
Being a SAHM to school-age kids is absolutely not as challenging nor time-comsuming as a professional career.
One like her husband clearly has.

@Whatamitodonow
If her dh is doing housework on the weekends (and 80% of it, by the o/p’s own admission), it doesn’t sound like she’s keeping on top of it in the week.

That doesn't even make any sense. Did you see the % and assume that it meant a lot?

Anyway the OP said Everything is done during the weekday. It’s only small amount of cleaning / housework on the weekends which is why he does his share.

So he does 80% of the small amount that needs to be done on the weekends.

I find it odd that there is less miscellaneous housework at weekends (when everyone is in the house all day) than there is during the week when the DC are at school for a chunk of the day and DH is out at work.

At weekends, generally families with this age of children will have to be making meals and cleaning up afterwards, at least one load of washing, general tidying up after children's games/playing during the day, cleaning up after any miscellaneous child mess etc.
I wouldn't consider that to be a small amount.
I assume OP means that things like deep cleaning the bathroom get done during the week, but weekend housework is not negligible.

Indeed, I find weekend exhausting - the endless meals to prepare, the mess, trying to keep the kids entertained etc.

At first I was going to say that I encourage my partner (SAHD to two school aged children) to have hobbies and catch up with friends in the evenings if I'm not at work (shifts) - but then I saw that your DH does 80% of the housework on the weekends. That's a lot imo. I work full time, and because one of us stays home I don't have to do any housework on the weekend. That's what school hours are for. I do the grocery shop on the weekend as I enjoy that, and I get clothes/shoes as needed for the kids, occasionally run the Hoover about if I feel like it, but he does all the housework. If you were part-time, or working weekends, then I'd get it. But I think you are taking the p*ss.
Totally agree that you need some adult time to catch up with friends, but he shouldn't have to do so much on his weekend imo. Your children are in school

I go out 2 evenings a week and a few hours on sunday. I leave my husband with 3 kids 16,4,2 they all have additional needs too. He manages to go to work 6am-5pm and look after HIS kids. He has a moan now and then 😂 but I'm with the kids all day and during the night I get up with them. I also do most of the housework. He does do some extra work when he gets home too sometimes catching up on paperwork. Slimming World and I play football hence the Sunday hours for football matches, they keep me sane and can't be done during the day. My youngest wouldnt cope in a slimming world meeting, I've tried 😂, 4yr old is even worse. Obviously football training is late on as coaches need to get back from work and wait for space on the pitches from younger teams so ours is late on. He just doesn't want to deal with his own kids. Try have everything done kid wise before you leave, so homework done, fed etc so literally all he has to do is play referee if they fight, and put them to bed in the worst case scenario. 2/7 evenings 2/3 hours isn't asking for much. He needs a hobby.

Because she is a SAHM, housework is her responsibility.

Just like his office work is his responsibility - that’s not being split.

Once the kids are in school, OP has a lot of free time to herself. Housework takes a couple of hours a day max

You’ve been battered here but you are allowed to do things for yourself. If he has work to do then he needs to speak to his boss and sort out that he doesn’t have to work at home as employers are happy to take the piss and not employ enough people to do the work needed.

what do you do on the evenings you are both home? Is he just working or chilling?

you are allowed to see your friends

They’re all at home at the weekends. I seriously doubt it’s a small amount.

Genuinely can't believe some of the responses here.

Just because the children are NOW at school, OP isn't allowed to have a couple evenings a weeks to herself? When dearest husband of hers has had HOW MANY?! For how many YEARS?!

Tell your husband it's about bloody time he parents, and if he doesn't like then you can trial a separation where he will have no choice but work all day and the look after all 3 kids by himself - for more than just one bloody evening. Just because you have a few hours child free does NOT mean that you have to change your interests or desires to fit in with his bloody wants and needs - you've done that for the last what, 8 years? Longer? It's his turn to start parenting HIS children.

I have two under 2 and a husband who is away A LOT. But if I was able to go out a couple evenings a week - 5 hours ffs, it's not like you're out all bloody night - he would be pushing me out of the door. I'm absolutely spent after just 2 years, I don't know how some women do it for a decade or more.

I have my eldest in nursery for 6 hours 3 times a week and I honestly don't know where that time goes once I've done some shopping, cleaning, had a shower and sorted anything else round the house. So yes, it's possible OP is actually doing for most of the time the kids are in school. And even if she isn't, if what she WANTS to do and what she's actually interested in and the friends she wants to spend time with can only be done in the evenings, so be it.

OP you are allowed to have a life outside of the home and childcare. Tell him to get over himself, think hard about how single parents do it and if he wants to trial that out sometime to see just how bloody easy he has it only having to parent 2 nights a week. It's not your fault - or your problem - he has to finish his work in the evening, he has all day so that's on him. God forbid you decide to get a part time gig during school hours and then what? You won't be allowed to complain about doing the school run, working, school pickup AND the evening jobs. But he can?

Wow, you're making assumptions. OP has been asked several times if her DH gets time to himself or time to see friends. She hasn't responded. It seems likely he's with the family in the evenings and we know he does 80% of the housework at weekends, plus he works full time, supporting five people.
As for saying "it's about bloody time he parents", OP has said he is an involved parent, so I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that he doesn't parent from.

He probably works long hours because his job is supporting the entire family. I do agree before the children start school or additional support such as disabilities withstanding the contribution to the household is just as valuable as someone in paid employment; but when they're at school there's no reason for OP to not get a job. It sounds like he does his share around the home and at weekends, nothing OP has said suggests he opts out of family life. If they split no doubt OP would have to look for work too, shock horror! Perhaps he'd prefer a balance where he doesn't have to work such long hours and in return gets to spend more time with his children. It doesn't seem like the going out is an isolated issue, it's in conjunction with everything else.

There is quite a fundamental difference - you are home all day with the kids. The OP isn’t.
In your partnership both of you essentially work full time. In hers they don’t. I think 1 eve a week fair enough, 2 just comes across as she cares more about her needs that the additional pressure she’s putting on her husband. A husband she describes as active and involved and who does a fair bit of housework.

It’s seems to be lost on your the “dearest husband” is the one carrying all the pressure to pay the bills. He doesn’t get to tell his boss he needs some time off because he did a lot of work a few years ago.

Her husband is described by the OP as active and involved, and does a decent amount of housework on top of being the sole earner. so not the type of man who insists the wife is chained to the stove.

He doesn’t have his “evenings to himself”, he’s working, that thing which some posters treat like some fun hobby or massive privilege.

The OP has no income of her own, she would be much worse off if this couple separated than her husband.

And single parents generally work or struggle on welfare.

The OP’s husband is commenting on their current situation not some hypothetical in which she also works! She has 5-6 hours every single day to so as she decides. It’s not in any way comparable to having a baby &
toddler.

She wants two nights off a week to do something fun with friends, knowing your husband is at home rushing the kids to bed so that he can log back onto work later is selfish. That is given he is an involved father and downs plenty in the house. One seems fair enough.