DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

I agree, especially if he is having to log back on to work after the children go to bed - that feels an unfair division of labour as he is getting absolutely no downtime on the days when you are out in the evenings.

I quite agree. The op isn't home late on those two evenings and the family have five other evenings to be together.

The man is being selfish.

You can do courses and self development stuff while the children are at school. He’s working all day, possibly commuting, doing childcare for 3 then logging back on again. By comparison you’re doing school runs, 6 hours of housework and errands under your own steam, no pressure or stress, then have 3 hours of you time. It doesn’t seem fair unless he’s absent all weekend for hobbies etc.

I starting to wonder if some of the people commenting on the hard life of a SAHM with kids in school have ever worked in a reasonably well paid job (which I’m assuming at a minimum the OP’s husband has given he financially supports 5 people).

Your time is not your own, you don’t have the luxury of deciding how to spend your morning etc.

People have commented on how much the OP must have done when the kids were younger and how she deserves a break now.
Her husband doesn’t have the luxury is saying he’s been working for a decade and he needs time off.

And someone said he can’t manage his time go work during the day. Given he’s paid enough to support 5 people it’s highly likely he has a pretty demanding workload.

On top of this, he does housework during the week as well as 80% at the weekend and is described as an involved and active dad.

But dare he say putting the kids to bed 2/5 nights a week puts him under pressure and he’s putting the Op at risk of burnout, does he not know people are single parents etc.

In a rush to defend SAHM there can be a complete undermining of paid work, the work that pays the bills and puts food on the table.

The OP was being very well supported in this partnership before she wanted to go out 2/5 nights, which as her husband says given all he does is taking the piss.

I always think this when people say being a SAHM is harder than working full time, did they have easy jobs before having children? Do they not understand the sheer stress of a professional career? It's fine to just say you're a SAHM because you like it, you don't need to make out it's the hardest thing in the world and you're put upon.

Presumably this post was meant in irony. I hope so!

Clearly BalletCat doesn't value or appreciate the hard work that being a stay-at-home mother entails. The lady is not sat around doing nothing all day - does the house tidy itself, the shopping get done, the washing and ironing done, the beds made, the food produced, the lunches packed, the birthday presents bought, the dentist's appointment arranged, and on and on and on? No, it requires efffort and a huge amount of labour. Saying 'she's had all day to herself' isn't correct - she's been working. You can tell by the phrase the 'poor husband' how BalletCat thinks the woman should be looking after her husband all the time - no! This isn't the 50's. Women can have some self-respect.

The lady doesn't need to prove that her class/club will lead to a qualification or be educational - none of us really need to do our hobbies or social activities as a matter of life or death, but COVID lockdowns have shown us how poor life is without them. Whether the lady is using those 2 evenings to meet people, get fit or have some fun is a good enough reason in itself.

Ignore the tradwife attitudes that are surprisingly common on this thread and put yourself first for 2 evenings a week!

"does the house tidy itself, the shopping get done, the washing and ironing done, the beds made, the food produced, the lunches packed, the birthday presents bought, the dentist's appointment arranged, and on and on and on? No, it requires efffort and a huge amount of labour. Saying 'she's had all day to herself' isn't correct - she's been working"

Most people do all of these things on top of working full time. They certainly are not a full time job. Does working parents houses clean themselves and their kids arrange their own appointments and their dinners cook themselves?

The poor husband has worked 10 hours, then looked after 3 kids all evening, done bed time, then worked more hours to support the family. In what world is that expecting his wife to look after him all the time? He wants a break after working all day and evening to provide for his family.

I couldn't agree with @BalletCat more!
I was a SAHM when my children were very young (before school age) and then returned to my career as a primary teacher.
Being a SAHM (even to children of preschool age) was far, far easier and less stressful than having a career working every day 7.30 - 5.30 and then 8-10 once the kids were in bed. I was also a single parent for many years working which made it even more of a challenge.
You can't even compare the two!
But thank goodness I had a career to fall back on; I needed it to pay the rent and bills when my husband turned out to be a prize idiot.

I think some women want to have everything their own way and call it "feminism." If that means taking the piss out of men then that's not the "feminism" I subscribe to. To.me it smacks of " I want to be a SAHM and do as and when I please, whilst you work hour upon hour providing for our entire family."
To me, true feminism is about sharing the burden equally. And yes, that includes financially.

Yet plenty of people manage to do all of that and work full time. It isn’t a huge amount of labour at all and certainly doesn’t take up 30 hours a week.

THANKYOU!!!!

It’s not about being a “trad wife”, it’s about maintaining a good partnership with your husband, and managing a family of five.

He’s described as an involved parent, who does housework both during the week and most of it at the weekend.

Its 2/5 nights of the working week when the OP’s husband is trying to manage the job that has to support 5 people.

She’s perfectly entitled to a social life but not when it puts her partner under pressure.

I don’t necessarily think a woman has to contribute financially to be a feminist so long as both partners are happy with the arrangement. But I do agree otherwise.

If my husband was financially maintaining me & 3 kids in school I’d have enough appreciation for that not to put him under additional pressure.

Having 30 odd hours a week to food shop, clean, life admin etc isn’t near the same ballpark pressure wise as mantaining a job that pays enough to support 5 people.

Can’t believe some women on here!
You are allowed two evenings a week to pursue a hobby or whatever.
Your husband can cope for two nights a week!
If he wants two nights to do something for him, then you still have 3 nights together for family stuff together.
Ignore people saying you’re out of order. You’re not!
As long as you both have time to do a hobby/activity in the week there is no problem!

@Thisandthat999, did you miss that OP has five days a week during school time to pursue her course/hobby but chooses to go out in the evenings instead? And that her husband is working not just full days but evenings also, as well as doing his fair share of parenting and housework?

@Thisandthat999 My guess is he's probably too knackered after a full day at work plus evening hours to even want to go out two nights a week!!!
I'm a teacher and so long working days are a part of the job. One night out a week is my limit!
If you calculate his free time vs hers there will be a huge difference.

While I think he is BU, could you not do the activities during the day as you don't have children to look after.

She's his helper? What?
Is it his life and family and she's just helping him? 🙄

No decent dad would feel like a 'single parent' just because they had to look after the kids alone for a couple of hours twice a week. That's nothing like being a single parent at all.

Maybe she can't do anything she wants to do during the day. None of the hobbies I do are on during the day.

And for all we know the husband could love his job and be devoting every evening to it because he wants to, not because he has to.

The burnout would be from not having a social life.

@kkloo I don't think you're living in the real world. I work many "extra" hours. Out of the many others like me that do, 99.9% of them do so not because they want to, but because they have to. It's a part of their profession.
When do they get time for their "hobbies", I wonder?

There not single parents, she at home all day on her own, she gets a lot more free time then the husband, so maybe someone else is a selfish prick.

If a man works full time and the children are at school, and he’s providing financially and spends reasonable time with his kids, while you nap or read mumsnet (after an hour of cleaning) when the kids are at school, perhaps the weekends should be his time to relax.

You can't just make up statistics to win an argument 😂😂

There's been many posts on here also over the years about being married to men who are married to their jobs and are workaholics and the reason why it causes issues in many of the cases is because they don't actually have to work the hours that they do.