DH complaining about look after kids

[Mellowblue]

DH complaining about looking after kids.

I am a SAHM with 3 children in primary school. I have recently joined a few evening classes / clubs for the sake of my sanity and to keep my brain from turning into mush.
I am out two nights a week: 6 till 8 one night and 6 till 9 another night.

DH has become very resentful about me being away from home for these two nights because he needs to spend the evenings looking after the children.

Although, I can see his point, he still has 3 days a week when I am home and I don’t think 2 evenings for myself is a particularly big imposition on him. I am taking these courses with friends , so it’s not possible to them during the day.

Have you read any of it. He’s not “doing something for him”, he’s working! If he was “doing something for him” it would break different. The detail matters.

Maintaining 5 people financially is a huge amount of pressure. It’s a gross assumption to jump to workaholic. It’s mightn’t be 99% but working extra hours isn’t sone kind of luxury/hobby for most people.

Being a SAHM of school aged children isn’t comparable. That’s not saying it doesn’t have drawbacks, or that it might work well for the family unit etc.

The OP has significant time while the kids are at school but she doesn’t contribute financially at all. All of that burden rests on her husband. So yes, she needs to support the breadwinner, people cannot live on air.

I'd imagine he'd cope just fine as a single Dad. Clearly he does his fair share, he could use the money saved not supporting a second adult to cover breakfast and after school clubs. From the information shared, he would likely have the DC 50/50. The OP in that situation however will clearly struggle with 'burnout' when she needs to fit working into her life. So it is in her interest to make changes so she doesn't lose the lifestyle she has become accustomed to.

I think you need to look up the meaning of burnout.

And there is nothing stopping OP having a social life during the day.

I find it fairly hard to believe that there is nothing on during the day that OP might like to do (as a person who works full time, I've found that there is way more things organised during the day than in the evenings).

If the main motivation is socialising with friends who are not free then, then she could invite them to her house, go out later in the evening when the children are in bed/ready for bed, or meet them at the weekend.

@kkloo If women aren't happy with their husband's being "workaholics", maybe they should make more of an effort to share the financial burden of their families!

I was a SAHMom with two children, so yes I understand the need to carve out some me-time. Adding that my husband never was home before 8 p.m. so not possible to do anything for myself in the evening but I started doing hobbies during the school hours of the children 😊 Much later when my children were in their teens I started language courses in the evening - I welcomed them home from school, prepared dinner for them and for DH - had an early meal myself and by 6 p.m. went to my class 😊

OP if your MH is affected by being with no time doing outside things if you stop, what will he do if you end up unwell?

I think your DH is unreasonable..

And if DH burns out, what will OP do?

End up unwell!? Bloody hell 🙄

@BalletCat Far more likely that the husband is going to end up upwell. But he's a man and must be solely responsible for paying all of the bills and supporting a large family so we won't worry ourselves about that.
A wife's hobbies are of paramount importance.

I can see his point. Does he get anytime to do things on his own?

Are you kids particularly had to get to sleep? Do you get everything ready?

There is no reason the OP should “end up unwell” because she can’t meet friends/do a course two weeknights.

Her husband is involved and supportive to their family. He hasn’t asked her never to leave the house! He’s said specifically going out two weeknights puts him under pressure work wise.

The biggest risk in their dynamic is him losing the job given he’s their only source of income.

In sure you can tell but I find it irritating how MN posters often undervalue paid work. This guy has assumed to be a workaholic or another person suggested it’s his fault as his can’t manage his workload during the working day.

This woman basically looks after her kids part-time but is seen by some as more at risk of burnout as a man who works full time plus overtime.

Couldnt agree more. It's meddening the way these women witter on about "Big Important Jobs" and the "Big Man" when he is the one working his ass off to keep them all and provide the OP with her current lifestyle and the OP sounds quite ungrateful on her approach.

Posters that think housework takes all day, looking after school aged children is difficult because they might have to come home sick!?and the OP is at risk of burn out blow my mind. The ones saying fuck your husband do what you like he'll get used to it blow my mind even more. This isn't what equality looks like.

What’s the betting that OP doesn’t share this thread with her husband…

it’s clear to me that her 30 hours a week to herself plus an additional 5 hours in the evenings is excessive and unfair.

With all the kids in school you should want o work and contribute to the running of the household. You might even have enough for a cleaner once a week.

Unwell? She has thirty hours a week to do whatever the fuck she wants

I don’t have an issue with women who chose not to work. What I struggle with is the claim that it’s the “hardest job in the world”. Yes, it can be challenging no doubt, but harder than being a CEO, an ambulance driver, a partner in a law firm? I can’t see it.

I agree @the7Vabo especially if you have school or childcare to give you a break during the day.

Having given up a fairly stressful job in order to stay at home with the kids I sure know which I found easier (and that was before they went to school full time).

Though to be fair if I was as bad at my paid job as I am at housework I would have been fired for sure 😁

You have your opinion and I have mine.

That!

why should she do constantly do things around the kids as if there were no dad? Certainly not teaching her boys(?) reciprocity or her girls(?) to be good mums AND healthy human beings.

Also if they are so big, they aren’t a bother for her. Why are they a bother to him? 2 scales here.

Well, yes it is.

In my opinion.

But then if your child is fairly easy, as in he is 40 and live in your basement, I guess no it isn’t that difficult anymore.

🤣🤣🤣 Just kidding.

More seriously. Mums raise their bubs so they can have great lives. CEO hire someone for a job and an amount of time in exchange of pay. If you can’t see the difference well 🤷🏼‍♀️

Mind you CEO of starts up usually compare their company as a newborn. They are working tirelessly for years before babe grow enough so that they can hire someone and rest a bit.

I don’t see noone, going and tell them to go and get another job as if they haven’t done enough 🫣 lazy them!!! You finished one, go do something else before someone sees you enjoying what you have done and refill 🤯

A CEO does not “just hire someone for a job”, he has responsibilities to shareholders, regulators, customers etc. He can’t decide he’s having a bad day so he’ll do the ironing later.

A nurse has her patients, doctors, hospital managers etc.

A bus driver has to transport people on time etc.

A nursery worker has multiple small children to look after.

We all know the cost to society when any of these people make mistakes.

Having primary school children, keeping the house clean, preparing food, picks up and homework isn’t harder than any of those.

All mums and dads for that matter raise their children regardless of whether they work.
Its not as if SAHMs only raise children, and the rest of the children run the streets naked and starving. All parents raise their children it’s not something exclusive to SAHMs.

A child in school isn’t being looked after by their mother during school in any case.

Parents in general all aim to raise their children to have good lives.

I think SAHM is a perfectly valid life choice but let’s not make it out to be something it’s not.

What is the comparison here? That SAHM should be allowed time off because they once had a newborn??!

Can I then tell my boss I worked 5 years ago so he can’t expect any work this year. Of course I can’t as I need the money! A SAHM can as someone else is provided said money.

I think that what comes out from this post is more a task-money relationship. So basically it doesn’t sound like you value a task except if paid for it.

sahm don’t usually also bring money in. Therefore, the tasks that she does all day aren’t important. Other women work (bring money) and raise their children. The later is the valuable one, the first is just not enough work for you apparently.

we will just have to agree to disagree.