To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

There’s no reason he can’t go with his wife other than your horrible spite. Grow up and get a life.

I know it's hard when he's turning up with the other woman loved up and you're single but apparently you're happy to not have him, so it's time to move on. I'm aiming you've been split a while if he's married.

My mum met another partner after my parents split- my Dad did not. They have had to both attend many events over the years- graduations and weddings at the least. My mum left him but it was not a good relationship truthfully and my Dad didn't treat her terribly well. I'm sure it is hard for my Dad to see her with her new husband, but you know what, he has sucked it up and been civil and made polite conversation at every event they have had to both attend. I had my Dad, Mum and Stepfather on the top table with me at my wedding and there was no atmosphere. My Stepfather and me have our own family relationship now and he has helped me out with some DIY at my house and even made a small donation towards my wedding- he is not a bad man at all, and my life is richer for having him in it as well as my parents.

In short, you are hurting your sons with your jealousy, and it is incredibly unfair to them. You need to see her as what she now is- a bonus parent for them. It can enrich their lives too if you can start putting them first. One day they will realise you are hurting their relationship with their dad and they will judge you for it- you might even end up pushing them away altogether. If they bond with their stepmother and you start being weird about things like her being there for graduations or weddings you might find its you that isn't invited as its you that isn't playing fair. You have an opportunity to change that but it's got to come from some real soul searching from you. It's not about YOU it's about your BOYS.

We're old school, all paper. The odd thing on an app but nothing major.

I actually think he’s the one who should be putting his kids first and showing up without his wife. He had them with you way before she came along and they are your children together. She should give him and you space to co parent.

I also think some of the previous posters have said some awful things that show zero compassion for your situation. Best ignored!

He sounds like an arsehole, but for the sake of your children I think you should try as hard as you can to put your feelings down and accept that the best thing for your kids is to make peace with her being there. They’re married and she’s the mother of your children’s half siblings - one way or another she’s going to be in their lives for a long time and it’s not surprising she will attend events with him, however frustrating that is.

What is done is done.

You had children with a man who said he would never marry you, for whatever reason. Even hypothetically.

Stop focusing on him and sort YOU out.

Stop banning him from stuff and hand it to him. Your children are growing. Is dad coming, I have no idea darling, he has access to the information. OR. Is dad coming, no I banned him.

Think of the long term relationship with your children

I'm surprised he doesn't just turn up for events at school for his son.

He certainly doesn't need your say so.

Awful behaviour.

They won't be co parenting they'll be sat the opposite side of the room! She hates him!!

Are you going to bring your bf/husband to your child's events?

Em, is that you?
YABU. You need to get over yourself and your jealousy for the sake of your kids.
DH's ex wife was exactly like this a few years ago. Spiteful and controlling and using their DC as emotional pawns. Their DC now live with us full time through DC's choice as their mothers manipulation and control drove them away from her.
You can change this yet, its not too late for your kids. Get some counselling, learn how to accept closure on your relationship. I get it, it hurts but don't let your kids feel that pain.

@Brightspark3 when your dc are adults they will make choices.
If they think you’ve damaged their relationship with their df you may be the person not invited to events.
You have graduations, weddings, big birthdays and christenings potentially.
You need to put the past behind you, you don’t live there anymore.

Understandably so! He’s clearly chosen his new family over an amicable co parenting relationship. He is not putting his kids first is he!

My mum was like this about my dad’s new wife for years. It was awful. As a grown up I really resent it. As a child you just want your parents to be grown ups. You really need to move on and stop being so hung up about this man. He’s the father of your children but other than that he is irrelevant to you. Just move on with your life, stop fixating on the past and wishing it could be different. The only thing you can control is your own life going forward.

Thank you. He spends so much time with his wife and children when I had to (unsuccessfully) beg him to do the same with me and my kids. Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children?

Why the man has to have his way and the women all defend him I’ll never know.

The new wife should give them some space at these events but she won’t because she’ll do as he wants.

The man always wins.

Most people can imagine how horrible that must be for you. It must be shitty.

I guess they’re also trying to help you get past it so you don’t feel so awful and also so you don’t become the bad guy in the future ‘she never told us…’.

In the future your DC will remember who was there with the sick bucket, helped them day to day and was there through thick and thin. Don’t let them also remember you wouldn’t let him come with his new wife.

Wow, how completely self-absorbed are you?

You don't like it that he didn't want to marry you (I can see why!) but did want to marry her, you don't like it that she's younger and more glamorous than you, you don't like it that he's a good dad to her kids whilst you are actively obstructing him from being a good dad to yours, you don't like seeing her at events because you feel threatened, you, you, you and not a word about what would be best for your child.

You are way too selfish and childish to have had kids and I'm very sorry for your poor son being stuck with you.

I disagree. Putting the kids first is having a healthy supportive relationship with the stepmother as well as the parents. Having three people there cheering them on at school events is the best option for the kids. Having the stepmother excluded because the mother doesn't want people to see her ex found someone else has nothing to do with what is best for the kids! Her request is unreasonable and selfish.

Why should he? Perhaps he’d prefer to go with his wife.

You can say exactly the same about the OP - she’s not putting her kids first for the sake of an amicable co-parenting agreement.

You need to grow up and put your child first. It's not about you.

They're not defending his actions at all.

But the OP has no right to control who he brings to events, for the sake of her pride/jealousy.

That's just cutting her nose off to spite her face, and impacting her DC in the process.

I wouldn't want to spend time with you either.

Kindly, OP, regardless of whether he comes with her or not, the only losers here are your children. They deserve to see their dad. Do the right thing.