To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I was the complete opposite to you, my ex-husband tried to keep me from meeting his new (at the time) girlfriend. He threw a party for our daughter, and invited my niece (along with my sister), and my friend's daughter (along with my friend). When he picked our daughter up, he told me I couldn't go with her. I told my friend, and she was really angry and came and picked me up and took me with her and her daughter. His face was a picture, and even more so when his girlfriend came and sat next to me and was really lovely. We ended up getting on really well and she even gave me her number, after spending the whole time talking to me and my sister and friend 😂😂

You do know you’re being unreasonable right? Go ahead and rip the bandaid off; invite dad, and be civil. It will get easier.

It seems that you are acting out like this as it is a constant reminder for you what could have been your life if your ex had agrees to marry you. Instead you are confronted with him living that life (or at least the notion thereof) with someone else. i understand that you have envisioned your future otherwise and that it may hurt you. However, one person cannot forbid another to come to an event, especially if this is publicly accessible such as most school related events are ( even if you have to buy tickets). You cannot forbid her to come. For your children's sake, they seem to have had enough changes during their live, as their parents are not together anymore and one moved on. I do not think that you should deny them a growing relationship with their father (and as such with his new family). If they are old enough and still do not want to have a relationship with them, that is their choice. Now you are taking away their choice because you are hurt. So they effectively feel the consequences of you not being able to overcome your pain. I do not want to come across as harsh or rude, but to show you a mirror of your actions against your children, as the choice to effectively have them feel the consequences is not a choice made by your ex, it is your choice based on his actions.

Sorry OP sounds awful I’m on your side x

My mum did this. Her and my dad divorced. He got remarried years later first. She didn’t like the idea of us being anywhere near her and so she went down the court route - exaggerated the situation and my dad lost custody.

Maybe she slept better at night but she destroyed what would have been a nice relationship between my siblings and our dad. Years have gone by and we just don’t talk about it but I spent my teen years resenting my mum.

Do what’s best for the child. If your ex is always high, or lives in a pigsty, or toxic - I understand why you would distance your child. But I think you need to do some councelling and if it helps, work out a plan where he picks up the child without the girlfriend.

I think he should respect your wishes in terms of attending sports day alone maybe - for a few years. I don’t really see why his girlfriend has to be at every single event - feels like it might be her pushing it. If I was the other woman I’d be respectful at least to some boundaries as it takes time to make blended families work.

There are a lot of times they don’t want to go to their father’s even for every other weekend visits

How much of that is due to you though? I have a friend who refused visits with her father once she reached high school. After having her own kids, and reflecting on the situation, she realised that the choice she made was wholly due to the mother’s behaviour at the time and simply wanting to make her mother ‘better’. That realisation was 20 years on and then caused a strain in their relationship, and a rekindling of the relationship with her father (which had been non-existent for the 20 years).

I also think you are downplaying your part in this ‘tragedy’. It seems you were with a man who refused to marry you, as this is what you wanted but he didn’t (and no, that’s not the same as relationships where neither side want to get married). That says he is not wholly into you, not completely committed to you and is basically there for convenience only in case something more suited to him comes along, as this is typically a man’s thought process. Yet, you chose to have children, and more than one, with this man. That’s on you. Did he enthusiastically want children, or was that something else driven by yourself and he pretty much acted as a passenger with someone else driving the bus? If so, that would have been another flag that was ignored.

Now he has found someone he is into, wants to be committed to and actively wants children with. It wasn’t you, and that must hurt, but realistically that’s not his fault, and you likely ignored the flags when you had the opportunity to walk away up front rather than driving the bus off the cliff. Your children shouldn’t be punished by your hurt in this regard.

@HoppingPavlova So it's ok for a man to string a woman along "for convenience" and until something better comes along? And have 2 children with her, then bugger off when someone better comes along, abandoning his children, who now play second fiddle to his shiny new family?
And it's all the woman's fault. The internalised misogyny on this thread is off the scale.

@Sofianite No, that’s reality. Yes, it is a woman’s fault for choosing to have kids with a person not completely into them, not willing to commit and likely ambivalent about having children. Because that’s never going to end well, whether that’s a year down the line or twenty years down the line. Exactly the same switching male for female. It’s not misogyny, it’s called individual personal responsibility. Too many people, male and female do the ‘woe is me’ without admitting things don’t just happen to them, they have played a part and need to take responsibility for their part and their personal decisions which have enabled what has happened.

By the way, I have two male relatives, both taken for most of their money by women who married them for residency and a nice meal ticket. I don’t feel sorry for them whatsoever. Just like OP, they are not victims. They missed pretty fucking large red flags and made decisions that enabled that to occur. They need to take personal responsibility. It’s on them. There are no different rules when it comes to flags and bad decisions for men and women, personal responsibility is a duty of both genders/sexes.

Personal responsibility goes both ways. It takes two to make a child. The OP has ignored some glaring red flags for sure, but the father isn't blameless either. Presumably he wasn't forced at knife point to live with the OP and get her pregnant, he chose to do that. He also chose to abandon them and make a family with someone else. You don't get to do that and then have a relationship with the children you've hurt, all on your own terms, expecting them to be fine with the situation.

Presumably he wasn't forced at knife point to live with the OP and get her pregnant, he chose to do that. He also chose to abandon them and make a family with someone else

You can only choose to do things when someone else allows it, so it works both ways. In the situation you describe there is 50% blame on both sides. Someone had bad behaviour because someone allowed it, and in this situation likely encouraged it (in terms of staying together and having kids when his actions were likely pointing to the fact he didn't want to). Whether genders are men/women is immaterial.

Yes, he didn’t have a gun pointed to his head, but neither did OP when she made the decisions she did.

You've started the process to change their name?? Well that will be fun seeing as you'll need his permission....

OP this is unreasonable and suggest to work on processing the relationship and your own self esteem, especially given this is years down the line (if understood correctly).

i doubt anyone is so invested or even passingly thinking any of these things apart from you. Unless she’s actually awful to them it makes no sense your DC wouldn’t want her there unless they are picking this up from you.

People who are pointing things out to OP that she doesn’t like are on her side too. If she wants to keep a relationship with her children in the long run and give herself a chance at happiness, then she needs to reflect and make some changes so she can let go, move on and admire her children to have a relationship with their dad and hood new wife. Sometimes agreeing with someone isn’t what’s best for them.

Grow the fuck up. Why are you punishing your kids? My husband's mum refused to attend anything her ex husband, my husband's dad attended after she threw him out. He'd done nothing wrong, she just wanted him out. It meant my husband didn't have his mum there at his first wedding, or ours and he resents her massively for it. If your kids find out that YOU are the reason the haven't had their dad at these important times then they will resent YOU and with good cause

I think people are not getting that the dc really want to spend some time with their dad ALONE and don’t want to be around his wife

Their dad is rubbing it in their faces that he treats his new family so much better than he treated them and it is causing resentment. The dc already don’t want to see their dad because they are not stupid
They see he really isn’t interested in spending time with them on their own.

The dad isn’t treating his new family better. If OP the crazy ex didn’t get in the way of the relationship her child had with their father they would be a part of that new family unit. Just how it should be.

No that isn't what is happening that is the ops version of events. The dad is including his extended family together. The reason the children are having any issue is due to their mother filing their head with crap.

Children at their age do not have the capacity for the complex insight that the mother is putting in them. She is in fact committing parental alienation.

Sometimes people behave very differently in a relationship just because one partner is just far more suited to them than another. It’s nobody‘s fault, we are all human. I think you need to try and move on and accept the situation for what it is. I’m sorry to say, but your post does come across as very bitter and hypocritical. You need to allow him time with his children and as your children get older and you continue to prevent him attending things because his wife will be with him, they will resent you and quite rightfully so I’m afraid. Like someone else said if you remarried, I’m sure you would want your husband to show an interest in your children and to attend sports days and plays and concerts, etc.. I can see that you’re upset but you need to try and make your peace with the situation and move on for the sake of your children.

This is parental alienation. Very wrong to the child to restrict the relationship with the other parent.

YABU

Parental alienation is awful

You know the endless comments on here about how people talk about their husband/boyfriends "crazy ex"? And get slated for it because they're not crazy, they're being fed a trope by their partner?

Ladies and gentleman, the OP is the crazy ex that MNetters like to say doesn't exist.

Having a co-parent who does things that all parents should do doesn't make her lucky.

Co-parenting shouldn't involve having to follow the other parents' orders about who can accompany you to events. She's lucky he pays any attention to her instructions.

But his dc don’t want their fathers wife there all of the time.