To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I do feel for you OP. I can see how much he’s hurt you, especially saying he’d never marry when you had kids together, then quickly marrying someone else.

When parents have an unfriendly split, I think it’s more sensitive to attend school events without a new partner, as it can cause stress for both the other parent and (more to the point), their DC, if the new partner’s there. So, I do realise how insensitive it feels that he insists on going with his wife or not at all.

But overall, I agree with @EdgarAllenRaven. By you insisting that he should come alone or not at all, your DC are missing out on their dad being there. And it’s so much easier for kids if their parents can try to be friends, as well as being friendly with new partners. It really affected me that my parents never spoke again until the day my dad died. It made me feel pretty worthless they couldn’t be friends for my sake. It caused my sibling a lot of anxiety.

Don’t let his wife’s presence bother you. Don’t compare yourself to her. If you can now see the failings of your ex, and what an unsuitable/untrustworthy partner he is, don’t you feel lucky you’re no longer stuck with him and just a little sorry for her?

Hold your head high. You know your worth, as a partner and a mother. Your kids will only ever have one mum, and that’s you. No one can take that away.

Please please do not do this to your kids. Your behaviour will mar their childhood. My mum behaved like this and it was embarrassing and horrible. I actually grew to dread school plays , my birthday , Christmas because my mum was bitter and made everything about her feelings towards my father . I resented her pettiness and it affected our relationship forever.
You need to get over yourself. Hold your head high and let them come. Be casual and unbothered and not like a child stamping their feet because they didn’t get their own way!

Hmm, maybe tell him about the big events but the smaller events just leave. or let your kids guide you? I can see where your hurt comes from and seeing him and the new wife must ignite a lot of feelings within you that you don't want.

She doesn’t need to be at every event though does she. I’d say that’s unreasonable. She isn’t mother or father. The kids didn’t ask for her.

You should really get to grips with this before he realises that he's entitled to ask the school to send him copies of communications and invitations and sorts out his own tickets to events etc.

All parties with PR are entitled to ask schools to do that.

I think you are both being unreasonable and putting your personal feelings ahead of what’s best for your kids. This is all setting them a very dysfunctional example of how relationships work and won’t do them any favours in the long run.

If it’s been two years and you are still struggling with all this bitterness and resentment then I would gently suggest that perhaps some counselling/therapy would be useful to help you to gain some perspective on things.

It's only not amicable because OP has issues with the kids' stepmum who I bet she's never even spoken to.

You need to grow up OP.

its not about you anymore, and you need to work on your self confidence.

my first ex left me for someone 10 years younger and it tore me to shreds but I didn’t for one moment stop him and her coming to any of the kids events etc (once I got past it all)

Much as it pained me to admit, he was happier and he was still an involved dad and the kids were happier knowing that we were all on the same page. I hated her to be honest but over time I tolerated her nd then became friendly and the dc benefitted from this

the only people you are hurting are your kids and believe me they will not thank you further down the line

@Brightspark3 does he actually know when the events are or do you refuse to give him the information if he says his wife is coming? Do you even tell him about the events?

They won't know any different. The only reason it will hurt them is because you are making it an issue and given your behaviour here I don't doubt for a second that you are making this a thing in front of them too.

You need to get over this jealousy before you damage your kids even more.

As a child, my father did what your ex did. I'd have loved him at my school events but didn't want her there. So I'd say it depends on your child and what they'd want

How on earth do you know that?!

I bet he’s a complete arse uses any opportunity he can to rub her nose in it.

It’s not about his kids it’s about him doing as he pleases.

If the new wife had anything about her she’d give them a bit of space.

No doubt she’ll be in the same position herself in a few years time!

All I'm reading is "me me me, what about me, what about how I feel, what about how I look" you've not even mentioned what the kids want and how they feel about it all, you're just weaponising them cos of your bitterness.

Same here! My mum used to make my dad drop us off a street away and walk to the house if ‘she’ was in the car. Affected all our relationships with parents and it’s only on having my own children that I realise just how damaging it was. My dad and stepmum are married still 25+ yrs on and my mum is also married 20yrs + but now having grandchildren has brought an extra level of competitiveness again. It’s awful. Please just accept it for the sake of your children OP

Kids can care and love for their stepparents deeply, I care very much for my stepfather. I would have hated to think he was being excluded or pushed out of any events he'd wanted to come to as him being there would have been a happy thing for me. What if the kids want her there? The kids didn't ask to be put in the middle of the parents fighting, it's unnecessary.

@DeepRoseFish

Why shouldn't she be at every event if she wants?

In that case tell him to contact the school for a calendar of events, it’s up to him to get this information and it’s not like your children don’t spend time with them as a family. I say this kindly, you’re going to damage your children by not allowing him to go to school events. Your children will grow up wondering why their dad doesn’t attend these things and one day they’re going to really resent you for this. You don’t need to sit with them or speak to them. It’s not your children’s fault your ex partner has married and moved on, they shouldn’t be punished like this because you don’t want see his new wife.

Yes, I wonder why he doesn't want to be at events without his wife with his high-conflict ex who is clearly still obsessed with him, or why his wife would not be super comfortable with that either. What a puzzle.

Do people not realise it hurts my children to see him like this with his wife and their children?

Why on earth would it hurt your children that they have two happy parents who just don’t happen to be together?

Unless your making your kids dislike your exs partner or not showing them you’re happy their dads happy

poor kids caught up in your bitter twisted games, be careful as they get older they’ll realise what you’ve been like and how you’ve stopped their dad being around them

Because she isn’t a parent

Weaponising your poor child to hurt someone who rejected you. Despicable behaviour, OP.

This will damage your child and certainly your relationship with them long term.

Would you do the same if you met someone and married them?

Does your ex have parental responsibility? Is he listed on the birth certificate? Or does he have a court order giving him parental responsibility? If he has parental responsibility, then you have absolutely no right in stopping him from attending any events. All correspondence from the school should be sent to both of you. The fact he is married, and this woman is his wife, means he has every right to bring her to a school event. You have no say. I am sorry that he wasn't the best partner to you, and refused to marry you - it's crap and I understand that. However, you need to pull up your big girl pants and accept the situation for what it is, for your child's sake. If this was in reverse, and he was kicking up a fuss over you bring your husband to a school event - you wouldn't be happy, and rightly so. Your child comes first, not your feelings.

What would you say if you wanted to take your mum/sister/new partner to a school event and your ex blocked it? Nobody, other than you, is going to be comparing you and his wife. Your anger and jealousy are only hurting you, and now your DC.

@DeepRoseFish she is a step parent. The double standards on MN are unreal - if she didn't turn up to things she'd be accused of not caring and treating children differently.