To keep him away from kids’ events?

[Brightspark3]

Inspired by another thread. My ex boyfriend started seeing someone just after we finished. We have 2 kids together and he won’t go anywhere without his now wife. So he doesn’t come to school plays, religious events or anything. He wanted to see my son on the first day of school 2 years later but I said no because I knew he would rock up with her. Aibu to just not tell him when anything is so that he can’t bring her too? He showed up once at a sports event and brought her. I couldn’t cope seeing her and I never want to see her again.

I’m sorry to add to all the voices, but you are a blended family now. She is related to your children too, she is their Step-mother, and they have half siblings too.

I think the problem is that YOU need to move on. I’m sorry he clearly hurt you so badly, but it isn’t her fault and if anything be glad that she is making an effort for your children too. Rather than make them feel less loved than her own.
You will all be in each other’s lives now forever.

The issue is your insecurity but nobody is comparing you both, you are still their Mum and they will always love you.

Perhaps try to get some counselling or therapy if you’re struggling to move forward…? It seems your feelings of rejection are overwhelming you, at a detriment to your children’s happiness.

The only people paying for this are your kids.
You're also stopping yourself from moving on. All your bitterness is doing it hurting you, your kids and your kids father. You and him are over. Maybe he was a sh*t, maybe you just weren't well enough suited, but you need to focus on your kids and that includes letting their father be included in their life. It is down to him to decide if he includes his wife or not.

Ah op I've been in similar shoes (no kids thank goodness) but I have to say I think you're being unreasonable here. As far as you know (from what you've said) they started dating after you both finished. I'm sure that felt like a major kick in the teeth and you were left questioning why couldn't he be that person for you and your kids. That's shit.

But as others have said this isn't about you and your feelings as valid as they may be. This is about enabling your child to have a relationship with their dad instead of making it difficult by refusing their step mother to be present. At some point your children will grow up and have a relationship with her that's independent of you, they may want her at their weddings/graduation/birthdays and OP it will unfortunately be your job to suck it up.

Many men have done much worse and there will be lots of women on here who have had to grit their teeth and swallow it for the sake of their children's wellbeing and then vent to their friends with a glass of wine after the fact.

You say you're not jealous but when you talk about the comparison it sounds like you feel as though his life is better than yours in some way. So my advice is to focus on that. Work on improving your relationship with yourself, treat yourself to a nice new haircut or whatever would make you feel better and try to work some time into your week for your own hobbies and interests.

It sucks for you that your ex is now a more settled person, but that is better for your kids than him being an arse who's out every night. What your kids need is the best version of you as well and when you're pouring your energies into trying to block their step mum all they get is the bitter version of you.

In answer to your question I think you've put him in a shit position by insisting that she doesn't come. And he's felt that was the only way to draw a boundary with you which is fair after such a long time. I agree with the other pps who have suggested therapy. I did it after my ex and I broke up and it was important in helping me heal from that hurt and unfairness.

And just to reiterate noone is saying this is fair. Or that he treated you the way he should have. We're saying you need to rise above and be the better person here so your kids aren't left dealing with the animosity.

I mean, all of the above. But if you're not taking on that feedback then the only thing left is for you to go to some events, and him and his wife go to some. You don't have to be at all of them, alternate so that your DC has some quality time with both households.

@Brightspark3 Do your children see him at his home? I can’t see anything where you say he has them at other times.

Can't think why he left you......

Grow up and put the kids first.

Every other weekend

He's met someone he wanted to marry, its not a crime. Your not entitled to tell him he cant see his kids when his wife is with him, thats not up to you unfortunately

This isn't about you. This is about your kids. You don't have to exchange Christmas cards but whether you like it or not that's their dad and stepmum, and it's in your kids' interests to have a good relationship with both. You've presumably been split up for what? 4 or 5 years now if they have their own kids? At least 2-3 anyway, and you're still 'banning' your ex and his wife, from events they are perfectly entitled to attend because:

1. He wouldn't marry you
2. You suspect them of having an affair
3. She's glamorous
4. He treats her well

I'm not saying this to be harsh, but if you're still ruminating after all this time you really should seek therapy so you can self regulate more effectively.

Neither of you come off well to be honest. I’d loosen up on his wife coming, maybe not to all events but at least some. You do sound very bitter and as it’s years later and she’s clearly here to stay you need to move on and allow her in a bit.

I can’t believe you’re actually admitted to using your children as pawns to hold power over your ex as he wouldn’t marry you!
Whilst he doesn’t sound like much of a prize, you’re coming off far worse as you’re intentionally hurting your children just to score points.

I can’t believe I’m reading this. He wants to and you don’t let him. If he didn’t want to, you’d be slating him. Grow up ffs.

The best revenge is to live well.

Smile, even though it's tough. Be friendly, though it's killing you inside. Take the higher ground. I know it will hurt and I'm so sorry that he has hurt you so badly. I'm so sorry that he wasn't mature enough to be the husband and father that he now appears to be.

But insisting that his wife can't see your child risks you looking petty and hurt, and he doesn't need to see your vulnerability and your child dooesn't need to see it either.

Live well and show everyone that you can do this. I promise you that in time it will sting less, you will feel better and your child will grow up proud of you.

Take care of yourself, don't let this upset you because your ex and his wife are living rent-free in your head and you don't need that.

There’s no reason he can’t go alone

I'm not really sure how you're not letting I'm come really as he could just turn up with her? You'd have no warning.

I can understand that hurting and that you feel upset that he didn't get his back together for you but you now need to put your kids first. Polite indifference at school events etc. you are letting him have more head space than he deserves.

He doesn't need to go alone and he doesn't need your permission.

I strongly suspect you'll change your tune if you ever get a new partner. He will be at all the events.

He doesn't want too, thats the point

And you cant have any say in it unfortunately

@Brightspark3 there's no reason he has to go alone.

There's no reason why he should go alone. None whatsoever.

Yeah you are doing your kids a disservice here. You need to find a way to get over this.

But OP that was all in the past and you really ought to be over him by now.

You weren't The One. She is, presumably. That hurts of course, not many on here will not have experienced heartbreak so we know how it feels until you get over it.

The jealousy you are evidencing is destructive to YOUR wellbeing. It's not hurting him or her whatsoever is it, just you.

He's a shit Dad but he's still their Dad. She's his wife so part of their lives and their children are half siblings to yours. Your kids relationships with her and their children are really important.

For your kids sake AND YOURS let go of your jealousy so you can move forward with your life.

And there's no reason why he can't bring his wife. You are in the wrong and in a very few years your child will judge you for this behaviour.

Are you really that confident that you keeping him away because of let's be honest your ego will be accepted by your child?

You can't ban a parent from bringing their partner to a school event. More fool him for letting you control him still.

Aren’t school events communicated via email nowadays?

DS’s school never sends letters, everything is via email and both parents can be contacts. Both DH and I receive them.

You need to put this behind you, OP.