Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

a lot of people wanna make the most of it and enjoy their life and have fun and be carefree in their twenties, OP 🤷‍♀️

Your dm wasn't old, I will admit a 45 year old df of a newborn is slightly on the older side. It is not unusual for parents to be that sort of age with their youngest child . Due to the age gap between you and dB, perhaps at school, they weren't aware you had siblings.

However, parental age is often quite area specific. Perhaps you lived in a area with lots of extremely young parents. I am aware the average age of parent may have been on the lower side 30 years ago . And also 40 something adults appeared to look older then .

However , I think your resentment is misplaced. I think you are taking to heart what the bullies have said .

Because that's the only real point of older people. Free child care 🙄

I’m an older than average parent and am consoled by the thought that my children will get their inheritance while they’re still young enough to enjoy i/ really benefit from it ;)

You will always get hate for posting threads like this OP because there are a lot of older mums on MN. Yet the children of older parents often express similar sentiments to yours. My parents had me at nearly 40 and I completely empathise with you. Yes you have to make the most of what you've got and yes we're lucky to have our parents still with us but most of my friends parents are just turning 70 whereas mine are soon to be 80 and I really wish they were that bit younger. Probably also as both have had health issues - Dad has had cancer several times so I'm always conscious that we might not have endless years left together so I see them most days and do a lot with them. It wasn't as noticeable until they turned 70 but I've found the ageing process has really sped up. Even 75 is very different to 70 but I don't think people really appreciate unless their parents are older too.

But it sounds like you haven't had your own children until your mid 30s so will have the same issue as OP's mum who was 37... I don't think we can judge the age that our parents had us and then not have children in our 20s ourselves.

I completely agree, OP. My parents had me in their early 20s and have been able to really be there for me, even now.

Seeing the impact losing both elderly parents before he was 16 has had on my DH made me determined to have any children before 25. This meant I was only able to have one due to fertility issues, but I'd rather that. I'm in my early 40s now and the thought of having babies at my age is mad.

My parents are older and have both had a lot of health issues. Honestly, it has only made me more grateful for the time I have with them. A lot of my peers are in the bracket that they feel there parents will be around forever. I have always been very aware of their mortality. They are great parents and I try to help out now as much as I can with bits and pieces.

I think you need to be grateful for what you have. You only have to look at these threads to see the toxic broken families. Maybe start thinking about what you can do for them rather than coming across as so resentful towards them. You really sound so mean about your dad's mistake.

Why, oh why, won't parents do the decent thing and start their family young enough to do a lot of childcare for their adult children and then kick the bucket in short order to expedite the inheritance? Selfish shits.

Exactly. I am struggling to believe a word of this shite. OP would have been born mid nineties (like my eldest) and I knew a few women having babies in their forties.

Utter bullshit

But you weren't a child in the 80ies. If you're 30 now you were born in 1994, meaning you would have only been going to school in around the year 2000. I refuse to believe that all the way through your school years your parents were notably older than those of your peers.

How could DH’s Mum be elderly if she died before he was 16?
Even 16+45 is only 61. Unless he was adopted?

Not trying to be rude but I can’t do the maths.

Good question. I suppose his father could have been much older, but that doesn’t explain “both”.

This.

Who said anything about me judging my parents? And I also don't think OP is being particularly judgemental of her parents. She is just commenting about how she feels. It is hard watching people you love change as they get older and notice what they can and can't do. I think everyone on this feed needs to calm down and stop taking what @Hisaronu1234 said as if it's a personal attack.

What I tell my kids when they moan about how old I am (I’m not…) is that you were formed by a specific egg meeting a specific sperm at a specific moment. So even if your parents had had kids earlier, it wouldn’t have been you. You just wouldn’t have been born. So reflect on your luck that you were.

Also, all kids think their parents are old. I did and mine were in their early 20s when I was born.

Not a fair comparison. And some people's circumstances dictate that they don't have a baby in their 20s. And some people who had children when young were unable to cope with the responsibilities of parenthood.
No 2 situations are the same

Refuse all you like , respectfully you wasn't there was you

@Weirdatwork

plenty of younger grandparents don’t wanna do childcare… as is their prerogative

Truly brilliant post

Honestly it's crazy to complain about wishing you had younger parents when you are going to be a similar age to your own mum? Why did you not have children earlier if you think being young grandparents are ideal?

I would say YABU. My mum was 40 when she had me. She is 77 now and fit and a fiddle. No health problems. Dad a little younger but still very fit. They run around after my children a reasonable amount.

I've got friends with my younger parents who, for example, hardly help at all with grandchildren. Another poor friend had her mum drop dead suddenly at 60. Younger Age doesn't always equal more help / health / less hassle.

I had my first child at 31 and my last at 38 - I had no idea I was an elderly parent.

My mother is 78 and still working at a high-powered job. I appreciate she is an anomoly.

Dh's mother had him in her early 20s and had his youngest sibling at 41. She has done more babysitting for that sibling's children than ours.

Stop worrying.

My now late parents had me at age 45 (mum) 52 (dad) my eldest sibling is 14 years older than me. I have to admit growing up i did resent the fact my parents were definitely the oldest in my class; it also pushed me into a carer role in my early 20’s when mum developed cancer; and after a long struggle died. Dad followed a year later. I‘m always so sad they never got to meet my son but I wouldn’t change them for the world. I really think as the range of responses here show-it’s really about health not age now.

To be fair, I am not convinced OP went to school at all.