Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

It's out of your control and it's very minor. At least you have parents alive.

OP, the egg and sperm that contained you were released on the day you were conceived. You could not have been born when your parents were younger. If your parents had had a child ten years earlier, that child would not have been you.
Sounds like your parents looked after you well enough too. Be grateful for the life you have.

By the time you went to school it would have been around yr 2000.

I was working in a primary school then and the parents weren't all 25 at all ! What a strange thing to say.

For her to have been surrounded by 25 year olds would mean the majority would have had to have had their first baby at 20. Which is obviously rubbish.

I think the average age for a first back then was nearer 29 ish and parents on their 2nd, 3rd or 4th kids would have been a lot older still.

There are always a few older mums. No one would stare at a mother in her early 40s ''like an alien'' in the 2000s

Frankly you're in cloud cuckoo land OP - give your head a wobble.

(speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever)

This bit of your OP makes me think YABU tbh. It's pretty dismissive.

Like others have said I think you're being pretty unreasonable and creating issues that don't even exist yet. Just live in the moment and enjoy the parents you have rather than imagining that life would be better if they were younger.
DHs parents are young and mine are older. One of mine is terminally ill, one of his is disabled, so both unable to dance at weddings or get stuck in with childcare despite a good 15/20 years difference between them.

Horrible attitude OP

I hope my dd doesn’t ever feel like this about us 😔we started ttc at 30 and finally got her at 39 after many many difficult losses, ivf, operations etc. I didn’t feel too old having her and don’t now

Resentful? Never. Sad? A bit.
I am 34. If my dad were alive today he’d be 92. My mum is 79.
I am sad that I lost my dad and that my mum is old but I never resent them or anyone else, they would have had me younger if they could, it’s not their fault they couldn’t, I’m fortunate to be here at all tbh.

I also have a friend who was parentless at age 21. So it’s fair to say that love and gratitude are my overriding feelings towards my parents.

I’m early 30s and I was adopted, my parents are now 85 and 83. Growing up I was pretty resentful that my biological parents would give me to two people who were so old, and always worried that they wouldn’t be around to see me grow up, have kids etc. My biological parents both died when I was in my late teens and mid twenties, but I still have my elderly adoptive parents. Strange how things work out. I do sometimes envy people who have younger parents as obviously mine can’t help with childcare, but it is what it is and I’m just glad they’re still here.

But you're saying it makes you sad your parents were the ages that you are now when they had children, because they aren't as involved and able bodied as other younger grandparents... But you're happy to do the same, if not, have children even later than they did? Your mum was pregnant/ had your brother at your current age, and you're still thinking marriage and kids are years away, so surely you can see how easy it is to become an "older" parent? Alot of people just aren't in the right situation to have children younger, it has become more common in recent years, but in our parents generations, having kids in early/mid 30s certainly wasnt uncommon at all. Me and Dh were fortunate enough to be in a good position to have our children in our mid twenties as we met very young, the relationship was (and still is) very happy and steady, we saved hard and also had a great deal of good luck which helped us secure a mortgage alot earlier than most of our peers. We had our kids when I was 26-29. If the circumstances had been different and we had to wait until we were older, we definitely wouldn't have given up on our goal to start a family, and it's awful to think that our children would have resented us no matter what age we were when we were lucky enough to bring them into the world. Alot of our friends have only had kids more recently (30s) as that's the route their life has taken, they're no better or worse than us because they're slightly older than we were when we had babies (I do feel relieved I'm not doing it in my mid/late 30s, as I'm much more tired these days, but for many that is the only/best option) . Fwiw, my now pre teen kids think I'm just as old and haggered as their friends parents, some of whom are ten years+ older than me... Parents become lame, old, boring things as soon as our kids are old enough to have an opinion 😂.

your parents are far from abnormally old.. just saying

Only in that I felt quite young when I lost them.
Dad was 45 when I was born and he died at 70. I was 25.
Mum died when I was 36 and my older brother died 12 years later.
Theres just me and my 2 older sisters now.
My Dad looked good for his age and yes, I remember at school once they thought my sister in law was my mum.
At that point I remember feeling conscious that my real mum looked old. I was about 10.
It was the 35th anniversary of Dads death on Sunday. My DD was only 11 months old when he died.
I still miss them all so much.

Oh goodness; I’m a first time grandma ( soon to be second) at over 70, as are many of my friends. All delighted and well able to provide daycare, babysitting, days out and oceans of love.
Yours may be disinterested , but that’s a different issue.

Yabu
You do know you wouldn't be here without them.

This.

Your mum was 31 when she had your brother OP which is bang on the average age. It's certainly not old.

Yes OP but you'll always get told you're unreasonable for feeling that way on MN. My own DM had me at 40 and always says it's better to have your children younger if you can

@horizoner

well most people can’t - whether it’s because of financial constraints, and/or not meeting the right person or not feeling ready or whatever. Most people are not in a position to have kids in their early twenties. Thems the breaks 🤷‍♀️

@LuckySantangelo35 where did I say about having children in your early 20s? This is exactly what I mean, every time anyone posts a thread like this they get completely shut down. Have a baby at any age, they'll just be grateful to be alive, who cares!

I know what you mean @Hisaronu1234 , i was a very late baby and as it wasn't common over 50 years ago, i know hardly anyone in my position. It is hard and i am resentful but like you, really dont blame my parents.

I know its common for people to have babies in their 40s but it wasn't common when i was born.

Your parents aren't as old as I was expecting them to be!

You can't change anything and there are so many more variations than calendar age. My mum was in her 20s when I was born but was always very overweight with associated health problems and never "got stuck in" with having fun with us. I was 40 when my youngest was born and we have lots of active fun together - she keeps me young!

My eldest had a group of friends at college and told us that his dad (44 when he was born) was the oldest parent. However one friend's mum had died (cancer) when she was 14 and another friend's dad had died in a car accident before he was at secondary school. There are so many imponderables.

Meh, I see it differently. I'm coping with various old people in late 80s/early 90s and it's much easier in my 50s than it would be if i was late 60s/early 70's.

I also have sisters and if you're not close, seeing other people happy with their sisters is difficult. But really there's swings and roundabouts to everything in life, so best not to dwell on it.

I hope my sons don't feel this way when they're in their 30s. I'm also an 'older' mum. I had my eldest at 33 and my youngest at 37 - so they'll be a similar age when I'm in my late 60s.

YABU I think. Your dad made a mistake, like we all do. You're just blaming it on his age because that's the easy thing to do. I was expecting to read a post about how your parents are in their 80s and you're an only child doing everything for them.

I'm 37, my dad died 3 years ago at age 87. My mum just turned 80. I'm a single parent and my mum helps me loads. Does 2 school runs a week and takes 1 of my kids to an extra curricular 1 day a week while I'm at work. She comes on holidays with us, does trips to NT gardens, the beach, etc. she also helps me with school holiday childcare, although I have cut that down recently because a whole day is obviously tiring for her.

Before anyone jumps on me and accuses me of taking advantage, my mum does these things because she wants to help, and I also help her with various things too, mainly technology related but also gardening.

She has had some health issues but only recently, and historically she is much healthier than my ex in laws who are 10+ years younger.

My best friend, who is the same age as me, her parents are in their early 60s and don't help with her children at all because they can't cope with them. That's not to say they should, I'm just stating a fact.

Resentful? No I definitely don't feel resentful I feel very lucky to have a wonderful mum who has been sensible and looked after herself (both physically and mentally). Because of this and some obvious good luck, she's managed to carry on living an active lifestyle. I feel sad for myself that I'm her only child and I will be left to deal with her eventual passing by myself but I don't feel resentful. I feel sorry for people who say that their 60-70 year old parents are elderly and can't possibly do anything for themselves.

Similar generational age gap to mine. It never occurred to me even once to be resentful. They had kids when they had them - their decisions back then were right for them. They also had a MC and a Still birth before me so I think they did well to try again. I've been through both of them becoming ill and dying. They were both gone by my mid 40s. I miss them terribly. But never once did it cross my mind to wish they were a different age. I think that's quite a bizarre thing to resent. I resent things that are happening in the here and now that I think someone could do something about - not decisions made 40+ years ago by people who loved me and gave me everything they had to offer.

No need to pick out their coffins yet OP.

Despite your parents being slightly older than average for your generation, I don’t see why you are writing them off now. As you say yourself, they are fairly fit, healthy and recover well from illness & injury.

Anyone could all be hit by a bus tomorrow and one 75 year old differs hugely to another. At 89, my grandmother was a sole carer to my grandfather who had Alzheimer’s. She used to wash him, dress him- everything. Where as, my 74 year FIL old barely knows how to look after himself. Age is very much just a number