Does anyone with older than average parents, feel resentful at times?

[Hisaronu1234]

Feel so selfish for writing this but been one of those weekends where there have been a few reminders that I won’t have my parents for as long/ won’t be as fit and healthy ETC (speaking on average, yes I know some people can get ill/pass away whenever) as most people my age.

So I am 30 and my brother is 37, our Mother is 68 and our dad is 75, despite getting the ‘ is that your Mum/Nan, Dad/Grandad ‘ awkward questions when we were younger, ( more for me than my brother) as an adult it never really bothers me, they are both pretty independent, drive , walk their dog, had a few knee/hip ops between them but soon recovered ETC, My dad in particular looks quite young for his age and considering he is from a different era/old school , I can honestly say I have never heard him utter a single prejudice/cynical word (like some elderly do due to lack of understanding) which makes me proud , but a few things this weekend has put the age gap into perspective.
One being on Friday I was at a dear friend’s wedding, she herself is a little older than me but her parents must have been in their early 20’s when they had her, and were getting really stuck in , helping with the kids, dancing, etc
I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.
Then on Saturday, My dad mis read/got confused over a text message regarding the time of a coach leaving for away support for our local football team that he was attending with my brother, he was mortified and it meant messing the man who organises it around ( and potentially losing him money – although on this occasion I don’t think the coach was full/had a reserve list) and him and my brother having to very quickly jump in their car and drive the other end of the country ( any other occasion they would probably have not bothered but they were meeting a friend up there as they don’t live local and was in possession of their ticket), it doesn’t sound like the end of the world I know, but it was a bit of a bad ‘faux pas’ that messed quite a few people around.
It really highlighted how old my dad is and bad with technology etc and I feel so selfish for even moaning about this but sometimes I just can’t help comparing them to friends parents and wishing things were a bit different.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

Your parents are average age (or maybe +3-4 years) if they are professionals / university educated.

I thought you were going to say they were 40-50 years old than you.

Very common to have kids between 30-35 if a professional woman

Sounds odd but did you grow up in a very working class area?

Amongst slightly wealthier or middle class propel their ages aren't strange at all (especially your mum)

I think it honestly depends on the lifestyle/health the parent has, regardless of age.
I come from a family where children were born between the age of 18-20.
My DH was born to a 16 year old mother but you'd think she is a lot older, she acts like an 80 year old woman and my DH keeps going on about that we need to move her in and look after her! As if she's some frail old lady, not a woman in her 50s.

I think it's quite common for women to have children in their late 30s and even 40s now.

The average age for first time mothers is 31 now.
No one has ever thought I was my kids grandmother! I had them at 41 and 43. My mother had me at 35 and my younger sister at 38. Her mother had her at 40.
Sure it's too bad that my kids didn't really get a chance to benefit from a relationship with their grandparents (even though my mother died at 89). But that's the way life worked out. My husband died at 51, that has far more impact on my kids than not growing up with grandparents.
Your parents aren't particularly old.

I'm from a working class background, my dad a machine operator, my mum a civil servant, they were married when my mum was 21.

I have questioned if they experienced fertility issues due to how long they were married before having my brother, and the 7 year age gap, but they both deny any issues .
I imagine they experienced a lot of rudeness and questioning about ' when are you starting a family'

I mean people seem to mind their own business these days ( one would hope) but back then maybe not.

I would love to still have my mum. She died at 58 when I was 30 years old. My Mil is 90 and still going strong.. when they say age is just a number it really is

It sounds like you have internalised what the bullies said and so now see your perfectly normal parents as something to feel embarrassed and resentful about.

I’d try really hard to separate all this out and understand the fault was with the bullies who just picked on whatever came to mind, and not with your parents who have done nothing wrong whatsoever. Maybe even talk with a therapist if you feel the resentment is damaging your relationship, because frankly you’re going to feel awful if you let this affect things until it’s too late.

Wow. You’ve interrogated your parents about fertility issues and refuse to believe their answers, and blame them for you being bullied? Has it crossed your mind that maybe they just didn’t fancy having kids when they were first married, and good on them for that?

Not read the entire thread but surely your also considering having having lids at the age your mum did? Why? I had my first in my late twenties and my eldest tells me we are by far the youngest of of his mates parents. I had my last at 40 knowing I'd not see their possible kids grow up.

My in laws are young. Had dh at 22. They couldn't be less absent if they tried from our lives. I'd try not to dwell on the negatives. I'd rather have elderly frail parents that had given me a good life while they was sharp than young ones who buggered off and was disinterested.

We all look at others set ups with envy

I think you come across as a lot younger than 30. You might be the first person in your group whose parents seem to be getting old, but the others will experience the same within a few years. Some will have parents who die before they reach old age, some will have accidents, illnesses, some will be fit and healthy for many more years. You just don't know. Be thankful that you have both your parents now and that they are doing well, and don't envy your friends because you don't know what heartache the future holds for them.

Yes, very and it's embarrassing to accept it IRL, my dad passed when I was 30 (and I am the eldest) My mum actually had us young but she has been ill since I can recall and has needed care which has ranged from light- take her to doctors appointments , help her with her shopping- when I was 20, to now she needs someone with her 24/7 as she constantly faints and falls , spends most day in bed and she is only 63. It's very sad and I go from helping begrudgingly (because I have my own family and no support system),to not helping much and focusing on my nuclear family and feeling like the most selfish person in the world.

Respectfully your posts are strange and you are ageist

68 is not old

75 is getting older

Please find gratitude not gripes , if you can

Don't be ridiculous. Your parents aren't old. Your mum had you at 38 which is about average nowadays.

You are so unreasonable it's ridiculous. Grow up.

I lost my dad at 33, he never could help or play with my children, they have no memories of him. My mother is a workaholic and has no time and little interest in her grandchildren. You are an adult. Be grateful your parents are as well as they are. They don't owe you any more.

At what point did it suggest that?, I don't blame them for being bullied at all, I was merely pointing out that in the 90s/ early 00, 'older' parents at the gate wasn't as normal as it is now, I blame the bullies for being bullies ( and their parents who would look at my mother like she was an alien) and I hardly interrogated them, it just came up casually as I am trying for my own baby, I didnt say I didn't not believe them, they just never really went into it, people from different generations aren't as open as we are now, I never pushed it further.

I also don't think your parents are old, they are pretty average aged for someone of your age. By your standards you're going to be an old mum and an old grandparent too.
Who do you resent exactly? I imagine your parents had you and your brother when circumstance allowed for one of a great many possible reasons. You could have had younger parents with a whole host of health problems who leant on you much harder.
Honestly when I started reading I thought you were going to say they were 20 years older than this and you were performing draining care services to them.
Perhaps give your head a wobble, they are in fairly good health by the sounds of it and very much alive and kicking. I have many friends our age who have lost at least one parent now sadly.

Also it’s not necessarily about BEING old, but being perceived as old. I had a friend whose mum was the same age as mine but because her mum had greyer hair and didn’t dye it, some people wrongly assumed her mum was her granny.

it just came up casually as I am trying for my own baby

I find this fascinating - you resent your mum for being "old" but you're exactly the same age now as she was when she had your brother?

There is something off with your thread.

Your OP said ...

I couldn’t help but feel, if I was to get married at a similar age (mid 30s-40s) and have kids, my parents would not be able to get as stuck in as I or they would like.

This implies you haven't got married yet and are not expecting kids in the near future. Now you say you are trying for your own baby???? In which case, baby may not be a million miles away and your parents are still pretty young??

So weird. I think you are not being totally honest in places OP...

Not sure where you were living as a child but where I lived .....being an older Mum was perfectly normal 1990 through 2003 +

I felt the same with bigger age gaps than yours. But then a lot of friends lost parents when I was in my 30s and some developed seriously chronic health conditions. My much younger inlaws unexpectedly have more complex needs.

My parents seemed much older than everyone else's but they are still here. My children have had good relationships with them. They haven't been able to help me much but that's not their role. Lots of people don't have parental help for a variety of reasons.

Kindly , I can see where you come from as a geriatric mother at 34 and 39 , the daughter of a geriatric mother at 40. I remember in the 80s my mum seemed a bit old fashioned compared to other people’s Later in life I only used to resent folk moaning about their parents or in laws not quite meeting their childcare standards whilst I was the sole carer for my mother who had a slow painful decline into dementia whilst juggling a baby and a primary school aged child . You crack on with the cards you’re dealt with . I’m no longer a sandwich carer but I’m busier than ever now as we in the teen years of exams and the kids need more support than ever which when they were little got farmed out to the nursery , in-laws and my husband whilst I raced out the door to the next geriatric emergency , often at silly hours of the am to sit for hours in a&e leaving a toddler at home. Sadly my parents are gone now and I can often a sympathetic ear to my gen x peers who suddenly find themselves juggling care between teens or their own health issues or more selfishly interrupting early retirement plans which I don’t have any more. I can finally focus on my children and give them 100 percent without being pulled in another direction . Cards your dealt with really . My parents loved me and I love my children . They got to see at least one grandchild for a bit and did their best for a bit. They got stuck as best they could in their 70s . Ironically mum was always offering to ‘ babysit ‘ in the final year of her life . Slightly hilarious as she couldn’t even make a cup of tea or work a remote control . But hey that’s life !

I'm early 40's with parents about to hit their 80's. I'm all about hospital appointments, collecting prescriptions and Blue Badge applications. But, on the flip side, my parents were around 20 years ago to help with Grand kids as they were getting to retirement age. They loved looking after the kids and still have a close bond with them now.

I still have 20 years to work so although my kids have a younger Mum, I won't be around to do school run type Granny duties for many years.

You could have been the other way and have younger parents who aren't retired when you have children. Mine are 64 & 56 and both still working, I'm 36. The only childcare they can offer me is from their own annual leave or weekends. DH's are older at 76 & 73, both have had health concerns over the years but generally amble around quite easily. They ummed about moving this year (we are the nearest at 3.5 hours away) and decided not to. I do worry that one of them will be seriously ill and whilst DH 'might' be able to get there in time his siblings possibly won't. However my thinking is that they are enjoying life and living it how they want to. It's not my decision to how they live it or criticise their choices. They are fab grandparents to my kids as well as our other nieces and nephews. They offer a different perspective and outlook than their other grandparents and it's nice to see the bond.

Yes I remember a mix of older and younger mums when I was a kid.

Op. You will have kids when you are ready, just as your mum did. Many people live full and active lives until their 90s so do not sweat it just be thankful that they are fit and well now.