To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

I hope very much that there were some outcomes from the meeting that were helpful for you.

My heart just broke for you all!
what a terrible situation for you all to be in. I’m sorry OP.
Firstly you are an amazing sister so do not question if you are being unreasonable. You are not.
You need your sleep. Not only for your own health and sanity but also to be able to support them longer term. The situation is not sustainable, and you will burn out. What about those bears where you can record your voice. This may soothe them?
Is this a longer term foster placement?

I also crashed the car when tired, luckily only in a car park. It was a complete wake-up call.

I think the advice on here from the former Social Worker to tell the team you are yourself a 'Vulnerable Adult' is the correct advice. You are, and this is going unrecognised.

OP, foster them over adopting them. There’s bugger all support for adopters. Far better than you foster them, you’d have more financial and other support. That said I don’t think that is best for you either, based on what you have said here.
You’re only 20 and you need to live your own life. Active engagement whilst they’re in care and sounds like it’s the better option for you.
Best of luck, it sounds like a very tough situation on all of you.

It's terrifying.

Luckily, I didn't actually crash, but I know that I was asleep. Never again. It was the thought of being responsible for hurting someone else that did for me.

You sound amazing. Wouldn't it be better if you were accepted as a foster carer so that you had some income? I know that will take time and you need some immediate support but I would be thinking about the longer term as well.

How about a visit to the Dr explain the issue. They can prescribe something short term to help them get a better sleep pattern.

This, l am so sorry about what you and your siblings are going through
Sending you all a hug x

I said earlier in the thread, that this is very identifying.

I know this is an anonymous forum , however, Please be mindful of any update you give after your meeting today.

You could do with a lawyer with expertise in kinship care. Adoption may not be the best legal route - assuming you're in England Special Guardianship might be a better idea as might you being a kinship foster carer. But you need some advice on that.

If they're going to come and live with you, you'll need support - you being with them won't make all the nightmares go away magically (but may well mean you get more sleep so everything else gets a bit easier to manage).

Even if they don't have the stability in terms of permanent living arrangements for talking therapy (and not sure if that's appropriate at all) it's worth getting some speech and language therapy input - would wonder if there's stuff they've misunderstood or need to hear again in a different way.

I do feel for you but I don't think it's ideal for you to become a defacto parent to your siblings.
If you choose to go through fostering only,
adoption & kinship will be financially harder and you wouldn't be able to get help as easy (kinship allowance rules of acceptance change with area and yearly~unless it's changed drastically).
You say the foster carers and social services don't know what to do.....I personally think social services sound like they're non committal hoping you'll step in and solve their problems. The foster carers may not be as experienced but social services are (if the individual social worker isn't maybe they should ask a most experienced/senior colleague.
Good luck, but I'd stick to being an ace sister. Unfortunately it seems like a change of foster carer to a more professional one might be best....
If it wasn't for the tragic circumstances and just twins that have a split household I'd say it's the adults that are being trained (obviously it's not that simple). Don't run yourself into the ground it won't help anyone.

I don’t think I have any good advice to give here. But I think a shift pattern might be needed and made clear to the twins. You all can’t go on
like that. You are also very young - what is your living situation and who is looking after you? (I know you are 20 but still young to be taking all this on)

Hope the scumbags who put them through this, are not getting any peace in prison?
Sake, lives hard enough why do people bother to have kids if they are just going to abuse them?
Isn't life hard enough?

It's difficult, but you may be making a mistake by being there and staying until they sleep. The twins have learnt that if they dont go to sleep you will come to them. They are manipulating the situation, knowing they will see you. I think the foster parents will have to go through sleepless nights until the children realise you won't be turning up. It can be heartbreaking and exhausting but it is the only way. I really hope things work out, you sound like a fantastic sibling to them.

What an absolutely awful situation for the 3 of you. You must be an incredibly strong young lady who clearly has your sisters' wellbeing at the forefront of your life. It is incredibly stressful for children who are abused by anyone - the depth of suffering is unimaginable and moreso when their own parents are the abusers. You yourself have obviously been witness to the court case and the lead upto it, no doubt you were also aware of the abuse to some extent - do you have both the same parents or just one of them?

Going through abuse is hard for anyone, when it stops that isn't always the end - sometimes it's just the start and the mental and emotional trauma is terrifying. For 11 year olds - so very young to be having to suffer the dire effects and consequences of cruelty on their young minds - a very confusing and unsettling age for any child - coupled with the trauma of their experiences which can't be undone.

Obviously they see you as their protector, rescuer and safe haven - the only person they trust who shows them love and kindness who is related to them - why would they trust anyone else after what they've been through - it makes absolute sense. You are a wonderful human being but you also need support to help them on their journey, a team effort of likeminded people is the best option in my opinion.

Bless you xx

As someone on the autistic spectrum who has been through similar I would 100% suggest this is handled with a doctor. These nightmares are only developing into a reliance on you being there. There are medications that can help them sleep through and reduce nightmares. These need to be started then once they have started to take effect then you need to not turn up when one wakes as hard as it is. This is just feeding the dependency on you. It took one of my carers to be hospitalised and not be there to break the cycle with me. It was shard at first but with medication it got easier. Leave them a picture of you and make sure get know you'll be there the next day just not through the night.

I really hope that this gets sorted out for you, @BeJollyOrca - it is utterly unsustainable for you at the moment.

How would you describe your siblings' comprehension? Not about this situation specifically, but in general. How are their verbal skills? Do they attend a mainstream school? Some of the attempted solutions (recorded bedtime stories, a teddy that smells like you, etc.) seem appropriate for much younger children, not for pre-teens. But of course, it all depends on how your siblings' ASD manifests itself and whether they have additional needs related to language.

Sorry I've not had time to read all the responses, but I've read all OP's replies.
I do a lot of work around behaviour with both kids and adults.

I know you said you want to ask what was said to your siblings after the sentencing. That's definitely something I'd pursue because it could be something triggered them which is why the sleep issues started after that. Unpicking that won't be a quick fix though.

You've not said what your siblings level of understanding is, but it sounds pretty good if the sentencing has been explained to them. I think it needs to be explained to them by you, Foster Carers and Social Workers that you going over every night isn't sustainable and is potentially dangerous. Explain that you love them, but doing this constantly will make you ill. They need to be told this. This needs to be done during the day when they're calm. I'd also do a Social Story to cover this. Decide on a date that you will stop going over at night (I'd go with a Friday night) Read the social story through the day for a week or so then when they wake at night the foster carers need to read it to them.
Then stick with it. For more than 2 nights. Sleep issues aren't fixed in 2 nights. Yes it will be tough on the foster carers , and you will feel like the worst sister in the world, but the current situation isn't sustainable for any of you.
It won't necessarily stop the nightmares, that's a separate issue, but the cycle of you going over every night needs to stop.
It may be that they don't go back to sleep, but in that case as someone else said then the foster carers may just have to get up with them. Someone said about pulling them out of school to do similar. I wouldn't do that. Keep them in school instead, keep everything normal stick to the same morning and evening routine, keep them awake during the day and hopefully they'll be tired enough to sleep deeply.

Regarding melatonin. It helps you fall asleep, it doesn't help you stay asleep. In my experience it's very unlikely that that anyone will prescribe sleeping tablets to a child.

The above might not work, that's just what I'd be trying at this point. But what I would say is whatever you try you need to stick at it for a decent period (at least 2 weeks.)

I know I just typed loads out but my brain is whirring, and actually the first thing I'd do when having the conversation about the situation not being sustainable, is I'd ask them what they think would help. They might not know, but they might have a suggestion and if the idea comes from them and they feel like they're in control it's far more likely to work.

Good luck!

I don’t have any answers for this but just want you to know I am reading and listening ❤️

Your young siblings have been traumatised by loosing their parents. Even though they were abused, there was still an emotional bond and now it seems like they're afraid of loosing you too, if you're the only one that can settle them in the middle of the night. Age 11 is old enough to have a conversation with them that you are going nowhere, but that these nights have to stop. Make an arrangement with them so that they know when they will see you after work, make a time that works for you so they have something to look forward to. Tell them specifically that you're not coming in the night, but give them a strategy to self sooth if they wake up, like cuddle a teddy or doll for example. If they know when your are coming it will stop this desperate cycle. They are old enough to know everyone needs sleep

I think this is the best solution in the short term. If you are there, and don't have to get out of bed and drive over to the foster carers your sleep will be much less disturbed.

Can you also get some leave from work? These are pretty specific and unusual personal circumstances, most places have Special Leave provisions.

I imagine eventually they will cry themselves to sleep until they get used to it? Realise you are not going to get them to settle.

A bit like sleep training but appreciate they have gone through trauma so not so simple in your case.

Sorry you are all going through such a tough time.when i was younger my mum and dad split.i am asthmatic and my dad is asthmatic too.i used to get sick a lot with it.i wouldn’t settle until i pestered my mum to call my dad to come and see me,at whatever time,which he did,until it got to the point he couldn’t keep travelling across town to see me all the time.and he told me straight that he wasn’t going to be able to keep doing it anymore.yes i was upset a lot but i knew he couldn’t.i know this is nothing the same but thought it may help,if you talked to your siblings and explained.maybe get them a bear each that they can hug..i wish you and your siblings all the very best in life from now onwards.big hugs xxxx

Yes what are they playing at ringing the op every night. The carers need to access whatever support and intervention is available to learn how to handle this. They need to do shifts, take it in turns to sit up with the dc overnight until they eventually settle

While of course you want to help op, this is down to the paid professionals looking after the dc to solve. The aren't babysitters, they should have experience of caring for traumatised dc.