To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Your amazing op and a great sister. I am sorry for everything you are going through and I hope you and your sisters get so much support. Big hugs

Could you get a support dog to stand in for you? Otherwise you need to sleep together or be together, they need to live with you and you need support to do this.

Gosh you poor thing. I feel so sorry for you. But it sounds like your sisters are experiencing autistic burnout from massive trauma and the one person that can reassure them is you. They need you. It won’t be forever. You need to find a way forward for all 3 of you through this awful traumatic recovery. Somehow you need to be with them for a while until they come to terms with everything and feel safer. They may be 11 but they are emotionally much younger and if abused and autistic there’s a lot that needs to be gently resolved there. I think you’re doing absolutely the right thing by them - you just need to make it fit with you. Could they come round to sleep with you just from bedtime until wake up?

I think you are a wonderful sister and you are lucky they are placed nearby. Maybe they need sleep medication though for you and the sister cards sanity. The therapy will be triggering old memories that are almost like reliving it. Its not the kids fault , your fault or the foster carers fault but there has to be a compromise.

Adopt them and move in with them, it sounds like you already enjoy spending most of your free time with them and since they settle so quickly when seeing you they might not kick off at all in the middle of the night. I think it would be the best thing to do for all of you.

I'm not sure if it is legally possible to adopt one's own siblings is it? Maybe a kinship carers role or whatever it is called.

I repeat the paid professional carers should be dealing with this op. Obviously you want to support your siblings but you should not be being contacted every night, the carers are being absolutely incompetent and need reporting.

I think the twins need EMDR therapy, not sure it's available for children.

I think you need to let the foster carers do much more, do bedtime and especially not be there in the morning as hopefully the twins are more resilient then and no one's losing sleep.

Imagine if a distressed vulnerable adult was in a care home or hospital and the staff were contacting a relative multiple times nightly to help settle them, it just would not happen.,
The carers need strategies and advice on how to support these dc. Relying on a birth family relative to do so seems absolutely extraordinary.

Can we have some explanation what kind of education < these carers > have to have, to be able to cope with that amount of trauma and complication? I mean, where do they go and learn it and who is this uni graduate who does that type of caring

So sad for all of you. Maybe you could get a teddy bear made out of your clothes for each of them? Think they are called memory bears as they’re usually made after someone has died but they might help. You sound amazing and I hope things improve for you

The foster carers need to see their GP for a referral for counselling, maybe OT, and potentially some medication to help settle them short term.

Could you at least just go on facetime with them instead of going in person? then you could record something so that foster carers could play you back to the twins on like a video - I don't know if this would work but might be worth a shot?

Take them for advice to your GP. A sensible one.
Take about a month off to help them settle.

They are possibly afraid of the nightmare

You think a 20 year old should effectively become a mother figure for two traumatised children?? Both of whom also have autism? What planet are you on? These children need the constancy and professional support of someone with experience, not someone barely out of their own childhood!

Firstly, op has clearly been in a caring role for her siblings for quite some time which is why she's become their safe space. She's likely already been fulfilling this role anyway.

Secondly this is not uncommon for families where children have had to go into care and actually the outcomes for children in kinship care tend to be better than those in different types of care as they retain family links and community links, there's a sense of consistency of identity etc.

Thirdly it's not your job to decide op is not fit to care for her siblings, that is for the social worker to determine taking all things into account.

Fourthly, I know a number of young people who adopted their younger siblings around ops age who had experienced extensive trauma and they do a fantastic job..is it fair that they've had to take on the role of parent as well as sibling - no - but not very much about what they have been put through is fair so it's up to op and the social worker to decide what's realistic going forwards. For older children stepping out of a care giving role can also be traumatic.

Oh and how insulting to all the 20 yo parents to children with complex needs who are doing fantastic jobs.

Foster parents need to step up and do their work at night.
IInform them you are not available at night and you won't show. They are paid to sort things for your siblings and they need to seek advice from GP/SS if they can't do the job. Not use the children's older sister as an extra help in the middle of the night.

They are very unprofessional in their approach.

I’m so sorry you’re all experiencing this trauma. You must discuss urgently with your siblings social worker, who in turn should be meeting with the foster carers social worker/support worker. There needs to be plan about how to proceed. Maybe a face time call before bedtime, not to late, after tea maybe with you. And each child to have a photo of you beside their bed or under their pillow. They need to know you are holding them in mind & not disappearing like their parents have. Also a plan for robust, consistent, frequent, direct contact with your siblings. Social care should be arranging & monitoring that. I hope life becomes easier for you all.

Firstly can I point out that most 20 year old parents aren't rearing autistic, traumatised, abused 11 year olds?

Secondly, I don't care what you say, I don't think it's fair for a 20 year old to be forced to take this level of responsibility, just because she loves her sisters.

Thirdly, it's also not your job to decide that she should take full responsibility for her sisters at such a young age!

Fourthly, it's not up to you to decide that an also traumatised 20 year old has to assume responsibility for 2 x 11 year olds from a horrendous background and be wholly responsible for them during their teenage years?

Finally - "Doing fantastic jobs" - at what cost to them??

You don’t mention what degree of autism they are - but at 11, could they perhaps be allowed to get up from a nightmare and watch a half hour tv show before putting themselves back to bed when calmed? Or have a tablet to talk to you on so you aren’t physically having to go there? Or maybe you record a video message for them to hear after the nightmare and a special bear or something to hug to protect them?

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Sorry @BeJollyOrca but as long as you keep going round the foster carers aren’t learning how to get them off to sleep.
The foster carers are being paid to have your siblings, probably in receipt of DLA for them too and presumably can take it in turns between them or sleep during during the day I also agree that the twins need some form of medication to help relax them, this isn’t sustainable for anyone, including the twins!
maybe get them teddies made in the bear factory, record your own little message for them that they can play as many times as they wish…. You can buy the recorders and bears on line.
Also I’d suggest trying things like weighted blankets

Also as hard it is… if you don’t go round… and they don’t settle.. eventually they’ll be so tired they will likely either sleep through from sheer exhaustion or go back to sleep quicker..,. Once they know you’re not available during the night they’ll soon except it. The foster parents need to seek advice and find ways to cope without calling on you …

I’ve just seen a similar post on a completely different forum and everyone on there mentioned EMDR. It seems it’s a very long waiting list but I would like to imagine in your circumstances the help you have may be able to out you forward as an emergency case? It does seem that it has fantastic results. Sorry if someone has already said this it’s just I saw it and thought of your post. Btw you are an incredible young lady, your siblings are so lucky to have you and I am so sorry for all that has happened to you all. I hope you get some relief soon x

They should be medicated with Melatonin, really.

https://www.desertcart.co.uk/products/422984546-kids-sleep-gummies-with-melatonin-1-mg-vegan-gluten-and-sugar-free-chewable-sleep-support-gummy-for-children-ages-3-for-calming-occasional-restlessness-120-count-raspberry-tropical-punch?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAoae5BhCNARIsADVLzZdcntYgtCTJvgGmruAEBKo6LFziv2uVbm5RELx8FLwwJQO91LmzBy8aAnYUEALw_wcB

They could try those ^. Also, they really shouldn't be calling you - It's their responsibility to get them back to sleep. They need a new bedtime routine filled with mindful thinking exercises and fall asleep listening to mindful thinking podcasts - They really do help! Exercise can also sometimes help. It's about making mental and physical changes over a sustained period of time. It's not a magic wand and won't fix the tremendous amount of trauma these poor kids have been through, but it's a start.

If your siblings are in foster care, there must be a social worker involved with it all. Can you not contact him/her and request a meeting with yourself, the foster carers and any other professionals involved, to try and sort out a sustainable approach to this?

Best wishes.💐

You are very young to be dealing with all this OP. I'm sure you are also very traumatised by what has happened.

This plan of going over every night just isn't sustainable, and I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You are going to make yourself very ill, and ultimately perhaps cause more problems than you're fixing.

If your siblings didn't have you, what would be happening? The foster carers would have to manage, simple as. The twins clearly need a lot more support, and probably more substantial medication. This is not up to you to sort.

Most immediately, tell them you can only come every other night, and stick to it. Don't go over to help them get to bed, and certainly don't go over when they call. Put your phone on silent.