To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Regarding potentially looking after them full time myself, it is something I am considering but it’s not been progressed yet by either myself or social services, it has been discussed though.

What did you decide, op? x

To try a teddy that reminds them of me. And a recording of me reading bedtime stories to them. I’m not sure it’ll work though, I will probably just end up having to go back round in the night like currently. We are also going to raise the idea of me sleeping at the foster carers house and see what social services think of that but I’m not sure what they’ll say.

I also spoke to my manager about time off work but he didn’t say much. I’ve asked to speak to HR directly about it.

I think you're so amazing op ❤️

These sound like nice ideas, hopefully you can facetime if you really have to, so you're not having to drive, as well. Sometimes things work because they have to, and I suspect that's what'll happen here

Can I ask why they were placed in foster care rather than with you in the first place? And why you hadn't considered sleeping there before? How about rather than just sleeping there, you move in?

My heart is hurting for your sisters and it feels to me as though the best solution for them would be for them to live with you, but that's only true if you really truly want to take care of them and feel capable. You're very young and must have a whole heap of issues yourself, but you sound very kind and as though the love is there. I think you could do it, but I don't know you, and two traumatised autistic children is a lot to take on. I would talk to social services in great detail about what support you'll receive before making your decision.

If you aren't going to adopt or move in, I'm not sure continuing to go over every night is helping. It means you're there for them when they need you, but you aren't really, and they won't learn to settle without you. It's like sleep training babies. The first few nights are absolute hell. But they all learn to settle themselves after a week.

Side note, I had awful, intense nightmares taking melatonin and they were sometimes about childhood abuse. I didn't take it for long.

I think you should give going round and helping with their bedtime routine and settling them and leaving and make it clear to them you will not be back in the night, would it be possible to go back for breakfast or see them before school so they know you are there but not during the night. Do this for a week or so and then drop to every other night and gradually reduce.

I get the impression OP is more than capable of making her own decisions and just wanted other people's ideas/solutions to see if there were any she hadn't thought of. Give the poor girl a chance to have some thinking space & back off being judgemental - it's her life, her family, her business we are miles away from living her life.

This is really hard
Could you maybe

• if foster carers have a spare room rent that out and live there for a bit? (Only if that doesn't ruin your own housing situation)
• warm the siblings you can only call and not go there to hug them, except one day a week maybe you sleep over there on sofa or in their room with them or they come to stay with you one day a week?

I honestly do think it would be best if they were eventually with me full time though. That’s why I have discussed it with social services a few times, although neither me or them have progressed it yet.

I am already round there every night when they go to bed and every day in the morning too as well as currently driving round there in the night every night when they wake up too.

OP, I understand that they have had horrendous past experiences, but they are 11. You are going there each evening and settling them at bedtime. Why is it that they cannot grasp that you are exhausted and cannot keep coming over in the night? What would happen if the foster carers didn’t ring you? How would they react, and would they be able to learn that you will maybe come in the morning to see them before school?

I am not belittling the trauma they have obviously been through, but something has to change because you can’t keep going like this. They are surely old enough to understand that.

Again, this is said with kindness and genuine curiosity, not as a criticism.

My sisters foster carers are local authority foster carers.

I am considering it to be honest. It’s crossed my mind before and I have discussed it with social services before but neither of us have progressed anything yet.

I mean this really kindly, I truly do, but you are not helping them like you think you are. You are undermining the foster placement and creating a really unhealthy dependency on their part.

You clearly love them so much. And that is really commendable, but sometimes love means stepping back, too. The foster carers need to handle this with social care and the GP. And I think you would really benefit from some therapy to understand what’s driving you to overstep this much.

It wasn’t my idea to go round there every time they wake up in the night. It was the foster carers idea originally and it’s them who phone me.

I really do think that you need to put your good ideas into practice, give them the teddy and the recording of you reading and then simply tell the foster carers NOT to ring you. You are already there mornings and evenings, so night time must be your time to rest. It is vital that you do not put your job at risk. That helps no-one.

Tell the foster carers not to ring you. It is their responsibility to manage this situation - it is their job, and it is how they make their living. You cannot keep bailing them out.

The sense of responsibility you feel to these siblings is to be praised, but there is more than one way of discharging that responsibility - visiting during the day is one way and that must be enough. You cannot do the foster carers' job for them - they must do it. You must be clear and determined or this will never stop.

They must not ring you in the night.

There are organisations called Citizen's Advocacy and this is what you need. Someone to be on your side and by your side and advocating on your behalf. You are being manipulated by the system and by these foster parents.

www.theadvocacypeople.org.uk/services/community-peer-and-citizen's-advocacy

Or you can speak to the adult section of social services in your area and tell them you need an advocate.

You are very young to be carrying this on your own - please seek help for you - all the help is currently focussed on your siblings, but YOU matter too.

I’m hoping that in the next meeting on Friday we will all agree a potential solution to try (even if it’s trying something again that we’ve tried previously but for longer this time before saying it hasn’t worked) and see if that works instead of me driving over there in the night.

I wish you all the best @BeJollyOrca .. I hope your sisters settle soon x

I’ve also suggested to their foster carers that we raise again with social services the idea of me sleeping at their foster carers house? So at least if I do need to be there when they wake up in the night then at least I won’t have to drive round? Not sure if it would be better to try the other potential solutions first though or just suggest this in the next meeting on Friday and see what they say?

Obviously another solution would be my sisters living with me full time but either way that's going to take time even if both social services and me decide to discuss that further and potentially progress it.

Yes they should really be getting an enhanced amount if it's possible. I mean or respite care themselves. No-one can run on empty especially if they are up at night. Are your siblings getting other support to help digest the trauma? Are you getting any sort of help yourself?

OP I think you sound very mature and wise and your suggestions all sound fair if it’s what you want too. I think if you ever feel you’re being pushed into staying there or considering adoption then no but if you want to, how lovely. Sibiling bonds are so precious and really help get children through the tough times

Personally I think that is a good idea (if you are ok with it) but I think you should be clear it is a temporary solution while you all work towards them being more secure and able to sleep without you. It is not a long term solution.

The other potential solutions (teddy that smells of you etc) could be good options to use later as part of working towards them not needing your presence.

Good luck.

Edited to clarify: I meant you sleeping at the foster carers’ house is a good idea- as a temporary measure

Ask the local authority to risk assess the lack of sleep for you all & you driving around to help in the dead of night. I mean they should be including this in the care plan. I know you want to help but as you've said, it's not realistically sustainable.
What support have they put in place for everyone? This should all be taken into consideration as it's part of their care.

I’m a former foster carer and I’m pretty shocked at this situation tbh. What would they do if you weren’t in the picture?

We looked after children who had nightmares, night wanderings, screaming, it’s something you have to deal with as part of the role. And if the strategies really aren’t working, you ask your supervising social worker for more support, call emergency out of hours team for help, bring it up at the LAC review etc. involving a sibling so often seems madness. The placement sounds like it won’t last tbh OP.