To be absolutely exhausted and think this is just not sustainable night after night?

[BeJollyOrca]

Apologies in advance if this is long. For background information, I’m 20 years old, have 2 siblings (twins who are 11. They are autistic) who are in foster care and both parents are in prison for abusing them. They live with foster carers who are about a 5-10 minute drive from where I live, I have a job too.

Since our parents were sentenced in August my siblings have had lots of problems sleeping at night, they keep waking up multiple times a night with nightmares from the abuse they suffered (both in the day and at night) from our parents. These nightmares have only been since they were sentenced but it’s every night without fail at least one of them wakes up with nightmares about our parents. After waking up from a nightmare about it, they don’t settle for their foster carers whatsoever unless I’m there so I’m having to drive to their house in the middle of the night (loads of different times every night, sometimes 1pm sometimes 2pm sometimes 3pm and so on, not the same time every night obviously) every night without fail (every single night without fail) to comfort them as they just won’t go back to sleep for their foster carers unless I’m there.

I don’t mind doing it because I want to help them and they genuinely don’t settle again for their foster carers unless I’m there to comfort them but it’s just become exhausting (for their foster carers too as obviously they are awake at the same time as well as me. None of us had a single night since August where we’ve not been awake in the night over this) and I’m sure how sustainable this is night after night, it’s been every single night without fail since about early August now, will probably be around there in the middle of the night again when they wake up and won’t settle. I feel absolutely exhausted from it every day, I know their foster carers do too so I feel for them as well. I don’t what we can do though because they don’t settle for their foster carers from nightmares unless I’m there, we’ve tried without me there but they keep asking for me and won’t settle from a nightmare unless I’m there. I’m having to sleep with my phone on loud and drive to their house every time I get a call to say they’ve woke up with a nightmare. This is as well as being there every night to say night to them at bedtime and as well as taking them out in the evenings with their foster carers (I don’t mind taking them out with their foster carers though as I enjoy it) and so on. I don’t mind doing it to help them as I know they have a lot of trauma but it’s just exhausting and I don’t think it’s sustainable every single night like this.

AIBU to just be completely exhausted from it and think this is not sustainable night after night?

Also, has anyone got any suggestions for what to do as well? Not sure what we can do though because they don’t settle unless I’m there.

Foster carers are paid to look after your siblings, and they need to step up. If they are not coping at night then they need to get on to the social worker to help find a solution. I know you want to be there when you can for your siblings, but you can't continue the way you are, and it's unfair to expect you to. Also the more you are available on tap the more difficult it will become.
Obviously you and your siblings need to remain in close contact but some boundaries need to be established. Perhaps a meeting with you, the foster parents and social services could come up with a workable answer.
I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and through no fault of your own, and I hope things work out for you all.

Stay there for a week if possible. Then u r on hand to settle them and they'll grow out-of it much quicker. Good luck

'The foster carers are being paid to have your siblings, probably in receipt of DLA for them too and presumably can take it in turns between them or sleep during during the day '

Exactly and surely reliance on birth families is not a solution

I'd love to hear from other foster carers to see if this is common occurrence or are the carers being absolutely unreasonable. Speak to their social worker and ask for more input, maybe different more experienced staff to care for them.

@BeJollyOrca Have not read the entire thread so don't know if this has already been suggested but can you do a video recording of you're self doing bedtime stories and put it on a dvd? (And just to say you sound amazing and a fantastic sister!)

I agree with other posters, your sisters have been placed with foster carers to look after them and are not your responsibility. If the foster carers need help this should come from social workers, not from you.

You're right it's not my choice or decision- I never once said it was. It should be between op and the family social worker. What about OPs choice. For the young people I know personally who have done this - absolutely there was a cost to them. But I also know they wouldn't want the alternative and they are all successful and thriving in life. Own their own homes, educated, good careers, families of their own, resilient. The right support was there to help them do it. Noone is saying its an ideal, but just that sometimes it's the lesser evil for all involved. Fair goes out the window when people perpetrate abuse towards children.

Sleep meds.

They need sleep too.

Their doctor needs to be made aware of what's happening. If they are not under the care of a pediatrician (not just a GP) they should be, and their sleep problems should be a priority.

So sorry for what you're all going through, and what you've gone through. Your parents deserve to rot in hell

But you and the social workers and the foster parents need to press really, really hard for help here. What's going on now is not sustainable. Everybody is suffering.

You sound like their rock, and in a time of need and panic you are who they look to. Just by being there and giving them reassurance, you will help them through this rough time. But, it needs to change as how you've been living right now is not sustainable for you at all.

It hasn't been that long really since they have been in the home of the Foster carers. Do you feel like the twins have taken to them well? It must be strange, being in a new home and new faces looking after them. All that was familiar to them has gone, so it's not surprising they look to you for comfort and stability. Being their elder and understanding all their past experiences, that almost motherly role has ended up landing at your feet.

If you feel you have it in you, you could be their guardian and help them through these difficult years where your parents have failed. Show them what a family with love and compassion looks like. It will be exhausting, but worth it I'd say. I'd like to think with the help and support of social services, and a respite plan in place, that it could be achievable for you.

Whatever the future looks like for them, you will get them through it near or far. They are both so young and aspects will get easier.
I don't know how well they communicate, but are they able to describe the dreams you? It is all a part of the healing process, and perhaps the more they talk about them to you, the less they may occur? Just a thought.
I still have the odd nightmare now that takes me by surprise back from my younger years. I don't think it ever really leaves you, but how you feel about can be changed.

I honestly wish you and your family all the best, and hope for brighter days for all of you in your future x

Love conqueres all x

What Utopia is this??!

Foster carers if arranged by the local authority get paid peanuts, they should be getting high rate but they won't be if this is via the SS

It says a minimum or £450 per week per child on the gov site, plus they'll be getting DLA on top. For that they should have strategies in place and the experience to care for distressed dc.

Pfft no! That is private foster care not local authority! they may be getting other support but if that is the case OP should get some of this as well,

Which is none of the sister's concern. Forster parents choose their responsibility!

Sorry for not replying sooner after the meeting yesterday. I just haven’t had chance to sit down and reply properly until now. In the meeting, we all discussed potential solutions to this sleeping issue. We left the meeting on that would all have a think about what may be most likely to work as a potential solution and then we would discuss putting that in to place in the next meeting which has been booked for Friday. I’m going to suggest either I could sleep at the foster carers house or we go down the route of getting them something (like a special teddy or something else) that represents me and trying that again. But in the meantime nothing has changed until the next meeting on Friday now, I had to drive round there again once last night (just before 3am) and will probably have to drive round there again tonight more than likely. I feel completely exhausted, I’m absolutely shattered

I'm sorry, OP. You're being massively let down.

I'm sorry, but that's utter madness. They need to man up and accept the tough road ahead if they want to be foster parents. You also need to start to separate yourself from the kids at night for your own physical and mental health. The kids are going to have to be allowed to exhaust themselves if necessary and learn to trust that their foster parents are going to be there for them from now on, and be "Their people" to lean on instead of you. You know this isn't sustainable and that this isn't fair on anyone. You need to put your foot down or start demanding a carer's payment and travel allowance - and back pay. (See how quickly things change then!)

I'm not sure what your issue is given that I'm talking about real life lived experiences of a number of people I know personally. So I guess the utopia is the real world?! Outcomes for young people and their families coming through the care system do not always have to be awful you know. I have worked in the sector for many, many years. Ss will only move this forwards if they and op feel it's a realistic and viable option and it has been for some people.

@BeJollyOrca I don't really have any advice, I wish I did have a solution for you and your sisters, but I just wanted to say I think you are an incredible person.
I'm disappointed (but sadly not surprised) that nothing really was resolved in your recent meeting. It's obviously a very complex situation, but you matter too, as well as your sisters. What you are doing for them is truly amazing, but please take care of yourself as well 🤗

Can you not go for an SGO and have them placed with you?

It's absolutely not sustainable, for your own health. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. You could fall asleep at the wheel...

Parents of newborn babies are told that if they are really a breaking point, they just have to leave the baby to cry in a different room while they get some rest, because if they don't, something much worse could happen, and this is a bit like that.

You want to be a good sister to them and that's absolutely amazing, and they are so lucky to have you, but in order to be there for them you need to look after yourself too.

Perhaps you could agree with the foster carers that you'll have one night a week where you turn your phone off and sleep (and gradually step that up to 2 then 3...)

And perhaps you could stay the night at theirs a couple of nights a week too, perhaps sleep in the same room or even in the same bed if that's allowed, so they feel more secure to begin with, and if they do wake up you'll all be able to get back to sleep quicker.

Stop it! This young lady is not responsible for her twin autistic sisters!!
Taking in this responsibility would be a full time job for her, she’d have to wave to wave good bye to a career and all her dreams… & she herself is only 20!!
if social services deemed this to be a
viable option it would be what was put in place… and it isn’t!!! So stop with the guilt trips…. OP is asking for help to be less involved not to become a fulltime cater!!

You need to follow some of the advice on here and step away! The foster carers are being paid and then not even attempting to calm the twins, but instead just call you up and go back to bed themselves!
you need to be telling them that they need to be looking after the girls now, you will end up having an accident then who will they call? Or if you loose your job will they be paying your bills?

Tell them you are not driving round there again at 3am. Yes see the dc during the day when it is convenient for you, but that is it.

The dc need to placed with experienced, competent carers. I would gently suggest that their reliance on you is exacerbating and prolonging the problem, not helping it.

Someone is not doign their job competently and effectively here. If the key social worker cannot see that then you need to go higher and speak to their line manager.

How 'Utopian' would @BeJollyOrca's life be if, at only 20, she became the sole carer for her autistic and traumatised siblings, @Lavender14? I'm guessing she would not get a lot of help from social services - I think they'd think 'Hurrah - they have a relative to care for them so the whole lot are not our responsibility any more and we can focus on our many other clients'.

I can't see that being anything but awful for @BeJollyOrca - and I can't see why she should be the ritual sacrifice here.

I have spoken to their foster carers again today and the 3 of us have agreed which potential solution we are going to discuss implementing with social services in the next meeting on Friday.