AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

I know! Who the hell talks like this in real life, anyway? Bringing up your wedding vows in a comment about a spa day? It's so melodramatic.

I think the spa break is just for DIL.

He is going out for drinks with his mates.

Nothing wrong with either of those btw.

😂😂😂

CHOSE TO

So now let him get on with what he wants to do

Do you actually care?

Because it doesn't appear so

You know, I never expected a pat on the back for my parenting, be it verbal or financial. (other than a Mother's Day card)

I'd have found it odd. Not to mention patronising

You are bonkers though

Have you taken on board what he said?

(And he sounds perfect husband material I have to say. What a breath of fresh air)

I've reported the thread. The DS's response is just too contrived.

You must be a better person than me 🤣 if my MIL gave my DH £600 and he chose to share it with me and I sent her a lovely message thanking her, and her response was to message my DH telling him it wasn’t for me, I’d be mortified and fuming and I genuinely would start to see her so differently!

If that's how you feel then you need to tell her before she spends it.

She sounds a bit of a gold digger

Controlling and manipulative? For giving her son a gift? Give your head a shake. You wouldn't be saying that if it was a mother giving her daughter a gift just for her!

Congratulations on making yourself look a total twat. You do realise they're a UNIT and will definetly think lower of you now because of this. You just couldn't help yourself could you.

It's ironic that your kind gesture has totally backfired and now you're actually a sore subject in that household I imagine. Well done.

Every Christmas and birthday I gift my dad a voucher to take his partner out for a cinema date, or a nice dinner. I don't particularly like his OH but he loves her, and I know that them doing out and enjoying some nice food together will make his happy, do I care that she will benefit from my gift? No of course not because I'm not bonkers

@Notenoughrooms Don't be so utterly ridiculous! They are not a 'unit' they are individuals and OP's son is still OP's son! Getting married doesn't mean you're medically stitched together at the brain stem ffs

He said himself they're a unit, and there definetly going to talk about this in their own home and she will have gone down in both of their estimations just for being so petty

Just buy him a jumper next time, op 😭

This is what my husband would do too. And vice versa if I had extra non bill money then I'd share the gift with him.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill OP. You've made what was a lovely gift into a possibly big issue between you, your son and DIL.

I get the impression the gift wasn't quite as well intentioned as you make out. If they had spent it on a weekend away together would that still have been an issue? It was a generous gift that brought some joy to both of them and you've possibly soured it along with your relationship. I feel like your sons reply is what most people already predicted had happened, he assumed the gift was not for general bills and for a treat for both of them.

Have you had any issues with your DIL in the past?

No idea why my comment stating that the OP’s tone of writing, not to mention the so-called text from her son, seems very very off, was deleted. Many other comments here saying the same thing. People don’t talk like this in real life. Many others on the thread have pointed this out too, and their comments still stand. Not troll hunting, and have reported the thread, but I don’t think here’s anything wrong with acknowledging the fact that there seems something very off with the OP’s comments.

He is your priority - he is your son
You are not his priority - he is a father and husband
This is how it pans out.

Once our kids are adults we are in their lives with their consent only.

Much more of this 'reaching out' to tell him you are irritated by his way of working with his family will see your visits gradually squeezed out.

I am married with young children and would never spend £600 on just myself! I'd feel awful! If my parents gave me a similar cheque and insisted I spend it on myself, I'd put it in my pension/savings - which will be spent on me and DH anyway, assuming we're both still alive/not divorced in 30 years' time! No way would I buy an expensive gadget or go on a holiday just for me - those things just aren't priorities when you have young kids. All money over a certain value is family money and I would take a very dim view of my husband if he tried to ringfence any money just for himself. We're a team (and I'm the higher earner, not that it matters!). I also wouldn't spend the money in a way that left DH holding the babies, without him also getting the chance to go away.

This kind of behaviour is just divisive in a marriage. Once your child is married you have to understand that their spouse, marriage and little family is now the priority and by trying to give a gift that big to just one part of the family, you are unnecessarily creating a bad atmosphere where it's not needed. Your son is a sounds like a very sensible man, and good father and husband.

I can’t imagine my mum giving me £600 and me not treating my husband too or a joint treat.

Sounds like op raised a son better than she was.