AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

You don't know that's the case at all. When my husband goes for "a night out with the boys", it's pre-drinks, a dinner at an expensive steak restaurant, then out till god knows what time in the morning, sometimes with an overnight stay, sometimes with a cab back. He could EASILY spend £300 on that. When I go on a spa day it usually costs around £125 at a fancy place with no discount voucher. You have no clue which is more expensive based on a short description in a text!

And what do you think that you achieved through this conversation?

This is not only going to go back to your DIL that you didn't want him to share, but this is going to strain your relationship with your son, and also your DIL. Not even sure what you want to achieve from that text message OP. Just bizarre.

For giving a gift with conditions on it trying to make him exclude his wife from how he spends a huge amount of money? That's absolutely controlling and I'd say the same the other way round too.

Why do people keep going on making the point that it's very possible that the spa day didn't cost as much as the lads night. WHO CARES if it did?! IT SHOULDN"T EVEN MATTER! Are all your marriages that tit for that and involves that much bean counting that something that minor would even matter?! That's just insane to me. That's such a non issue to me and the point is they are both parents and both had a night out. If the OP is actually going to get upset because the spa day happened to cost more than that is a whole other level of pettiness and bean counting on the part of OP and shows she actually lied about supposedly 'loving' her DIL. A MIL who actually does love her DIL would want her to feel appreciated as well for the hard work she is doing as a mother and recognize that her son's hard work isn't just because of his efforts alone but the efforts of his wife and partner as well.

Not to mention the most obvious is if the spa day did cost more than the lad's night out it isn't any of OP's business because she gave the money to her son to use how he wanted and he wanted to treat his wife to a spa day end of story. The rest of the financial decision is between husband and wife not husband, wife, and husband's mommy.

The only acceptable responds if husband's mom ask him if the spa day costs more or how much the spa day costs is none of your business mom.

They are most certainly a unit when it comes to raising their children. So yes in this particular circumstance there reward so be given as a unit since it isn't just the son that is working hard raising the children. OP mentions that her son works hard at his job? Ok and how do you think that is possible for him (and men in general to move up in the world) because of OP's DIL staying home with the children so that her husband can work. Being a SAHM is just as hard of a job being by yourself all day with a screaming infant baby and a 2 year old at once. Possible potty training and if not potty training diapering, feeding, tending to the cries and figuring out why the baby is crying, nursing/breastfeeding. Not to mention not a second to breathe between all of that.

How horrible for the OP who supposedly loves (which at this point I find incredibly hard to believe) her DIL to not want her to "benefit" financially so she can get a break as well. If she really and truly loves her like she claims why would she be upset that she benefited as well. How does OP's DIL having a much needed break take away from her son having a break as well??? It's not like all the money was given to OP's DIL and the son didn't get a break of his own They EACH as the parents they BOTH are (not just one he isn't a single dad) got a break. So I fail to see the issue here.

OP even said so herself that DIL is kind enough to invite her round for tea to spend time with the grandchildren weekly so why isn't she appreciated for that. That is what women do for their own mothers and offering a weekly invitation to her MIL is even in some cases MORE than what women do for their own mothers. The thanks she gets for being a good mother and wife (OP's words) and for being hospitable to her weekly is to basically call her a leech??

I mean think about it really think about it. OP is actually pissed that her DIL got a break as well. That's crazy to me to feel towards someone you claim to love. How would she treat a DIL she hated? I can't even imagine. I don't even want to imagine that.

Yes I would be pissed if I was busting my butt with our baby as a women who already would feel underappreciated and my MIL gave my husband a decent amount of money and he actually listened to her and didn't share with his own wife and the mother of his children and gave himself a break while he didn't show me any love. I would question if his loyalty is to his mom's wishes or making sure his wife feels loved and appreciated. Although that would never happen my husband would know better and be smart enough not to to out right tell me the money is just for me but rather, "hey sweetheart my mother gave us money to show she appreciates us as parents."

Apparently for not wanting her MIL to treat her son as if he is a single father doing this all on his own makes her a gold digger. Who knew?

That was also my favorite ridiculous comment in this whole thread! I love how her husband choosing to treat and appreciate his wife turned into her being a gold digger!

Threads like these are what gives MILs a bad name. A lot of mothers of grown married son (like the OP) still see their son as solely theirs instead of part of another family unit and gift and treat him as such. Meanwhile their son views his wife and children (as he absolutely should) as his most important immediate primary family. However MILs oftentimes don't respect that and still choose to leave their DIL out of gifts whether it's a tangible gift or a financial gift instead of recognizing that their son has now grown up and left the nest and formed a family of his own and he isn't just her son to spoil he is now first and foremost a husband and father then a son secondary

Also not sure why OP wants to feed into the who mess of men being elevated for doing the bare minimum while women are under appreciated. OP was obviously once a young mother herself so why she would do another woman like that I have no idea.

This now has to be a wind up. Responses likely to give the most outrage.

Attention seeking behaviour either way.

Your son sounds lovely. You gave a gift of money, you don't get to decide how he spends it. Are you always that controlling? I'm glad he handed you your arse (nicely, bless him).

My MIL used to secretly give my OH cash just for him. But we always shared everything and he always told me. It was one of many things that made me realise she didn't like me.

He obviously really wants to share the money with his wife. Let it go. He's an adult and he can decide how his money is spent.

You have no idea about the dynamic of their relationship or whether she has shared financial contributions from her side of the family. Or if her family aren't wealthy enough to gift her a sum of money, then I imagine that would make your DS feel awful. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the money if I knew my partner would go without.

Accept that you have raised a kind man that values his wife and her needs as highly as his needs.

See that's what I just love mothers who try to secretly give their sons cash as if they actually think their son is going to be more loyal to them than their own wife the woman they come home to everyday and share a life with. Like their son in turn will then go, "ok mommy I'll keep the money all to myself and keep it away from my meanie evil wife." Like no just no. A real man wouldn't do that shit to his wife. Do some MILs not realize what marriage means?

Not to mention the fact that they are doing it in secret shows they already know what they are doing is wrong.

He was your child now he is an adult man with a wife and children of his own. They are his primary family now, as they should be, and it sounds like you raised a great husband. Your role in his family is primarily as a grandmother and it sounds like you are being welcomed as such. He has grown up and is doing a great job as a husband and father. He will always be your son but it would be wildly inappropriate and disrespectful to his wife and mother of his children if he prioritised that historic mother son relationship over them. I think you need to get onboard with that idea or risk losing him, his wife and your grandchildren. Don’t do loyalty tests you will always lose

Can someone give me a TLDR breakdown of what’s happened here?

Mil gave son money just for him she told him to treat him because his such a good (normal) daddy. Son shared with wife. Wife thanked mil. Mil not happy. Confronts son. Sons like wtf of course I share it with her.

• OP (MIL) claimed she had a great relationship with DIL
• Son was “working hard” and she wanted to give (just) him a gift to the tune of $600
• He’s shared it
• DIL sent a nice thank you message and booked a spa day
• OP not happy son shared it and thinks DIL is some sort of gold-digger as spa days are expensive
• Despite almost everyone saying not to, she messaged Son saying gift was just for him

Lol thanks! Guess that’s not going to go down well with the DIL.

Thanks 🤩

Yep and heads up don’t try to talk sense to it. 😂

OP, your ability to recall this conversation word for word is quite something. Your son’s ability to speak as though he’s reading from a bad Mills and Boon is also a wonder to behold.
Mad as a box of frogs. Call this thread quits and start another one. I’m sure you can come up with something.
The night is young.

💯 Wind up giveaway.