AIBU to talk to my son and tell him the gift was meant just for him?

[BySassyUmberPeer]

My son and DIL have a lovely 2 year old little boy and a 6 month old little girl. I see them about once a week and my DIL is super sweet and absolutely adores my son and is a great mum to both my GC. I sometimes come around and spend time with my DIL and GC over tea. My son has been working hard lately and I wanted to give him a cheque just for him to say I am proud of him as my son and to go towards something special for just himself. Could be anything that he wanted but maybe couldn’t justify spending on himself, ya know? Maybe something for his car or what have you.

The cheque was for $600. Well I received a text later that evening from my DIL that said the following, “thank you so much Allison for the lovely cheque it was completely unnecessary however it is very much appreciated!! Dan and I have been exhausted lately and are looking forward to doing something special for ourselves. I have a spa day scheduled for 2 Saturdays from now I’m looking forward to and Dan is using it towards a guys night.” I feel deep down that my DIL couldn’t just let my son have this for himself she had to have some too because, “well if you get some cash for just yourself I should as well.”

I’m annoyed that a gift that was meant as a special gesture for just my son to recognize his hard work as a father is not all going just forwards him. Women are always taught to treat themselves and it’s ok to do something for themselves. Why is it not ok for men to have a little something for themselves once in a while?

AIBU if I talk to my son about how I meant the gift to be just for him?

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread, but how clear did you make it to your son at the time of giving him the cheque. Did you say 'I'm so proud of you for all the hard work you've put in lately son, so I'd like you to treat yourself to something special with this money, something just for you, maybe something for your car, or something that you wouldn't normally spend that much on for yourself. We women try and treat ourselves from time to time, even if it's just a new hair do, or having our nails done, but you guys always end up spending everything on the family, so I thought this would be a nice reward'. Or, did you just give him the cheque, and say 'I just wanted to give you this money, as a reward for working so hard lately'? In which case it may not have been clear what your intentions were.

I certainly wouldn't mention it to either of them now, as they've clearly decided where the money is going, but perhaps in future, consider whether you're making your intentions clear.

Don’t make us spell out why having a relaxed, happy wife is the best way to spend his money.

You should respect his decision, especially as he’s even spun it to improve your relation with DIL too, everyone wins. What a gent.

Imagine…..mummy gave me a gift for being a good boy but I’m not allowed to share it with you 😂

Giving a gift to ‘just your son’ is not at all unreasonable.
Dictating how your son chooses to spend that gift is TOTALLY unreasonable.

You are getting in a twist about a choice your son has made. Don’t be that person. Accept that his wife brings him joy and happiness and he wanted to share his gift with her.

He sounds like a wonderful man. You obviously did an amazing job raising him. Be proud.
And next time, if you want him to have the equivalent of a spa day for himself, buy that gift. Don’t give cash.

You explicitly told your son the gift was just for him, and he explained to you that he wanted to treat his wife because they are a family unit.

I am so confused that you feel negatively about your son making such a lovely decision. It’s not about you gifting to the two of them, you can give your son individual gifts as much as you want but you do have to accept that you seem to have raised a son with strong values, and if you say “this gift is for you, do with it as you will”, he is entitled to make the decision to share his gift with his wife.

Regardless of whether you were giving money to a son or daughter, my outlook would be the same. Why would he go and waste £600 on a new set of wheels for his car or whatever it may be, when he can gift himself and his wife a lovely day/ evening which they probably really need given they have children? His priorities are in the right place.

Maybe in 10-15 years time, when the children are older and they are less exhausted, he’ll choose to spend the money on something more self-indulgent but what is valuable to him right now is some time with his friends, and his wife having a nice relaxing day!

I don’t even have children and I know that I’d be spending £600 on an activity or trip with my husband. “Stuff” just isn’t important to some of us!

Really?! I mean I’m sorry but if you wanted to give solely him a gift of £600 and you wanted to have a day in the whole money being spent only on him then maybe you should have bought him a gift with the money.

Im sorry but you should be proud of your son who has seen it as a gift for them both, they are both as you have said amazing parents to your grandchildren. Why would you begrudge your daughter in law having some of that money you gifted spent on her?! Kinda sounds mean and a little controlling. Did your son text you and thank you also? Because she sounds very grateful and like she said she is too exhausted and tired.

Honestly when you gift money you can not dictate or demand how the receiver spends it.

you son sounds like a lovely man and husband, and your daughter in law sounds very polite and lovely.

personally I think you should look at it that your son has not been selfish and seen that him and his wife are in a partnership and didn’t just think about himself…..hats off to him and despite your upset over the matter it’s credit to you for raising such a lovely unselfish man

I’ve seen your comment with regards to feeling it may be different if it was a mother gifting to their daughter….in my opinion I disagree. Your son saw that he would like to share it and treat his wife to a relaxing spa day, as you know parenthood is yes rewarding but also challenging and stressful. He has been thoughtful and that’s what he wished to spend some of his money you gifted on. You should be proud! I have 7 children myself a mixture of sons and daughters, I would expect my daughters to be equally as thoughtful (even the more materialistic ones 🙈) to their partners.

I understand the pride you have and the sentiment behind your gift, but I honestly wouldn’t be upset, it’s not really your right to be upset once you have gifted. Be proud. He sounds like an amazing son, husband and father and very thoughtful and unselfish.

I would reply, saying how excited for her you are and that she deserves to have some relaxing time as you couldn’t wish for a better mummy for your grandbabies and glad your son is also having some time with his friends too because he also deserves it. And how proud you of your son for always thinking of his wife and treating her to a spa day and not just spending it on himself.

I totally get where you are coming from however, I think this just shows not only have you raised a hard working man but also a man that’s sounds like a wonderful father and husband - he probably knows his wife is burnt out and they could both do with some me time and has treated her to a spa day to replenish, honestly I think it’s great he’s thought of her x

Cancel the cheque!

A gift of money means you don’t dictate how he spends it. Maybe ‘something for himself’ was to treat his exhausted wife to a spa day and still gets to use some of it for him alone. That’s really unreasonable to begrudge them this!

Why?

Ignore it. It’s always posted by someone who reckons their erudite opinion should serve as the last word.

YABU I had a similar gift of money from my dad just for me and I wanted more than anything to spend it on myself and my husband, I honestly wouldn’t have had any satisfaction about keeping this just for me so I’m guessing he feels the same

It's a reference to a previous long-running (and often quoted) MN thread where post after post was suggesting cancelling a cheque a long time after the original thread was posted and the situation had been resolved.

OP I do agree with you, it's fine just to buy a gift for your son and not expect it to be shared. However I think it would have been better to just have chosen him a gift and not write the cheque. In some marriages one half doesn't have much control of the finances and all money coming in is seen as 'joint'. It's not the way I've ever done things but I see it around me.

They have decided what they're spending it on now, so I'd just leave it this time.

”ding ding ding” this comments the winner!

Its beyond weird that you’ve created an issue out of this and you might need to have a deep dive into yourself to find out why

I'm sorry, I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thread, and that's usually a rule of mine, but can I just check... did you recently buy your son some concert tickets for yourself, your husband, your son and your daughter, and present them to him on his birthday, in front of your DIL, but your DIL wasn't invited?

If not, I apologise profusely for mixing you up with another absolutely horrendous MIL, but it's just that you sound so similar.

WTR this thread, you gifted your son a not unsubstantial amount of money. He decided to share that with his equally hardworking wife. Good on him. Be glad you've raised a good, loving and fair son. Get over the fact that you can't treat your son like a 5yr old who has behaved well at daycare and deserves a treat for it any more. Be glad your son is in a loving, healthy and equitable relationship. Wish your DIL well on her spa day.

Op this is very strange behaviour. Coming from a mother of men. How do you not see your behaviour as strange and contradictory? Why are you regarding him for working hard? Is he five? He is working hard to support his family no doubt. He also HAS booked himself something to do. Look at it the other way, he's such a great man that he wanted to share with his wife. You put all the blame on her as if she stole his money but there's no way she would've known about it if he didn't tell her..... Maybe he realised she's working hard and without her support he isn't desedeeved of that £600. Were you a single parent that you don't understand a husband and wife are a team ? Thank the lord I had a kinder Mil.... P

For him to get himself a $600 treat while she raises his children and goes without would sow resentment and discord in their relationship.

If you want to get him something for him alone next time, you will need to ask him what he wants and then get him the thing itself, not give him the money to get the thing. Once you gave him the money it is his to do as he wants with.

The fact he wants to share the money with the person he loves is a credit to you as you have raised him to be a decent man. Just as you want to treat him, he wants to treat her.

There's always going to be different opinions, esp when it comes to finances! I remember one a while back where someones husband got a £10k bonus and she asked if she was being unreasonable to expect him to use it on the family/share it instead of buying himself a new gaming laptop and taking himself on holiday or something like that whilst she had changed career to a much lower salary, no bonuses, minimal pension contributions, working PT, term times only or something to look after the kids and people were saying 'It's his money that he earned, why should he have to share it?' and 'see this is why my husband and I keep our finances separate, of course he shouldn't have to share his bonus!'

And yet in this scenario…why would he not have shared it with his wife? Different posters, different opinions. Nature of the beast!

What strange responses from you OP. You have had various responses and your own son has told you he wanted to share it but you are still going on. I don’t know if this is some sort of battle of he’s my son and he belongs to me.

You have a kind son who clearly loves and values his wife, he may have been wanting to treat her himself and now has the opportunity to do so because of your generosity, that was his choice. He could have equally spent it on himself but he chose not to. Your idea of a treat may be very different to his, he might take his portion and have a night out in a casino or whatever, you can’t give him money to treat himself and then complain how he has chosen to treat himself. Maybe there is nothing he particularly wanted but he did really want a night out.

take it as a lesson learnt, if you want to treat him then you need to buy something specific and not give cash.

How has he been able to work so hard? Because his wife does all the home stuff?

Literally no one has conversations the way you have quoted them. Someone’s trip-trapping over a bridge

I feel like nobody is the AH here...but I definitely wouldn't say anything!

I'd be a bit bemused if my husband's parents did that, but that's more because it's out of character. But if they did decide to give him some money I wouldn't expect him to spend it on me...but equally that's because he NEVER treats himself to anything and I do 🤣.

But equally I can totally understand a husband might WANT to treat his wife out of that money, maybe he feels he gets enough down time and wants to show his appreciation of her. But I feel she didn't need to message, if I was her I wouldn't because I'd assume my husband thanked you profusely.

Maybe next time you could pay for something specific for him that he mentions, or a voucher to something you know he likes? If you feel strongly about it not being shared. I'm not sure!

Congratulations OP, You have managed to give yourself a complete showing up and now both your Son and DIL will be thinking less of you, and no doubt having a laugh at you.

Perhaps some ways you could repair the relationship, which seem to suit your MIL Style -

Knit every member of the family matching red Christmas Jumpers. Knit DIL Massive Bogey green one on the premise that you thought it would suit her skin tone better.

Compliment DIL at how amazed you are that she has managed to keep her confidence so high after Childbirth and her resulting more 'robust' figure.

Offer to give DIL Cooking lessons on how you would make your special boy's favorite dinners, as you don't want him to be missing out on proper home cooked meals.

Offer to come and stay for a bit

Start insisting that the grandchildren call you mummy