Left DP at pub to get home on his own

[Confused2691]

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

I thought exactly the same. Approximately 10 times a day on mn I read of some problem or other being compounded because they “live rurally”.

OP this will continue for one or both of you for the next 20 years as dc get older. I think by picking up from the wedding you made a rod for your own back. I hope he’s home now

Well done last night
from what your saying he’s obviously making bad choices after a few beers and after a couple it gets easier to lose perspective and want just one more.
im not saying therefore its acceptable he really needs to reprioritise things.
it was disrespectful to you and out of line regarding your baby.
I’m glad his parents have seen stuff. Challenging him after a few drinks will never go down well
choose a good time to discuss.
Maybe with a friend there as back up too.

Your daughter might be more portable now, but that won't last. He should get used to finding his own way home as you won't be dragging a larger child out of bed to come and get him. He can get used to not drinking, or getting taxis or even shock staying at home.to look after his child.

@Confused2691 It sounds like he’s got into the habit of you chauffeuring him because you don’t drink.

It’s obvs fine for him to socialise, as should you. Becomes more important when you have kids to be able to have fun and see friends. But he needs to take responsibility for how he gets home. It’s not your responsibility, just because you’re not over the limit. If you live somewhere with few cabs, he needs to plan how he’ll get home before he goes out, e.g. not drink so he can drive himself, order a cab in advance, plan a safe walking or off-road cycling route. Or you need to move somewhere there are more transport options.

He should be equally responsible for childcare and household chores. And while you’re breastfeeding he needs to take responsibility for supporting you in that, as you have to eat well and spend many hours sat feeding when they’re little. Looking after a baby is a responsible, often stressful and tiring job. Childcare professionals are paid for it. He shouldn’t see it as you ‘being at home’ while he ‘works’. You’re both still working, you as an f/t carer, even if you’re on mat leave.

Don't pick him up this morning either OP. He needs to learn some self reliance. And you need the practice of saying NO.
My DH wouldn't have dreamt of going out if I was ten days PP and infected, let alone expecting me to pick him up at 2am, and he's far from perfect!

The only bit I don't get is why does he have to go home too if the baby needs to go home to sleep? I mean let him find his own way back of course but why did you tell him he had to go home too? Did he need a nap as well?

Because OP was driving the car!

Yes, but he can find his own way back. So that still doesn't explain why he has to go home too.

Because I knew from previous experience he would expect me to come pick him up and I wasn’t going to do that. If he regularly made other arrangements I’d have just left him to get on with it.

'He said fine, he’ll walk.'

Several drinks later, 'can you pick me up?'

No darling you said you'd walk. 😁

YANBU.

Because he has a baby to look after? And a breastfeeding partner who’s still recovering physically, mentally and emotionally from 9 months of pregnancy and childbirth?

Of course he should be able to fit some socialising into his schedule. But that should be discussed and arranged with the co-parent. Not assumed that she’ll take responsibility for getting the baby home, feed her without support (i.e. no one there to bring a glass of water), and put her to bed, all so he can carry on socialising on a whim. It sounds like it hadn’t been discussed.

The baby was going home to sleep? She didn't need looking after.

Well, you can’t leave a 4 month old baby at home alone. Someone has to be there. Why one parent and not the other? And babies don’t just go to sleep. Have you looked after a 4 month old baby as a breastfeeding mother?

You're determined to privilege this man's wish to get pissed aren't you?

But you didn't pick him up and you said this isn't a regular thing. I'm just trying to work out what use he would have been if all the baby was doing is sleeping anyway

Man baby doesn't find his own way back..
Manbaby needs ferrying around everywhere by op or sleeps out in a strop, leaving her like a.single mum to a stroppy teenager and baby.

Op you need to get some self love, priotitisr yoyrself, babyand not tolerate this nonsense a minute longer.

I cant get over posts like these

How many women put up with this nonsense is absolutely mjndblowing.

Do the matriarchy a favour and stick up for for yourself.

Every time you do, the patriarchal misogynistic men get weaker and women get stronger. It's a collective energy we all should be bringing.

Especially ially with women who sympathise with this misogynistic behaviour lurking in nooks and crannies of society.

How was the baby home alone? OP was there. DH isn't the only parent. Do both parents have to put baby to sleep simultaneously?

Just a troll, or has very misogynistic views and deliberately goading op.

Op never said she had a problem with him getting himself back home.

She has (rightly so) a problem settling baby and herself to bed then dragging them both out for a man who can't be asked to sort his own transport home

That is selfish a d unreasonable of partner, not op.

Tell him that if he thinks it's not a big deal for you to wake the baby up and take her out again, obviously he will be the one getting her back to sleep.

Misogynist sympathiser, man or troll.. which one are you?

He can go out for as long as he wants (as long as it’s not affecting family life) but he needs to get himself home.

If it wasn’t the baby’s bedtime, then I would offer to pick him up but no way would I mess up her routine for him.

Has he done much with your DD by himself because thinking it isn’t a big deal says to me he hasnt

your DD is 4 months old how many times has he wanted to disrupt her bedtime routine to get her outside in a car in a different temperature?

you need to talk to him about this firmly about exactly why he is being unreasonable and that you aren’t a taxi service.

he is a grown man who can get himself home

Not at all. I'm just asking why he has to go home too at that point because the baby needs to sleep. OP said herself it isn't a regular thing.

What kind of selfish arse expects his 4 month old baby to he dragged out of bed all because he wanted another pint. If he's that desperate, he finds his own way home.

She doesn't mind if he stays out but she doesn't want to have to bundle the baby into the car to pick him up late at night.

OP he's being an arse. Fine to stay out but his choices at the end of the night are pal's sofa or walk. Neither are the end of the world. Get on with it man.