Left DP at pub to get home on his own

[Confused2691]

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

It sounds like he has forgotten he is a father now and alcohol is more important to him than his wife and daughter.

So they like him because they don't know him?

Basically he needs to get his head around the fact that as a parent you cant always do what you want to do or used to do!

Exactly!

The bottom line is that your taxi services have ended. He has always had you there to chauffeur and now he needs to either pay for a taxi or come home. I'd also make it clear that unless agreed before the start of the night with arrangements for the morning, sleepovers are not acceptable. This should all be obvious of course.

I second this. If I dreamt of acting like this my partner would disown me. When our daughter was a week old I said "right I'll be off to 7-a-side football" on my usual day... didn't go down well. I learned quickly things have changed.

This post isn't disimilar to a lot you see on Mumsnet - a lot of Peter Pans out there, the brass neck on some fathers is bewildering.

Get rid.

Why did it take you wife going barmy at you for you to realise?

Curious (genuinely, not having a go!) as to why it hadnt crossed your mind before that going out to football a week after your wife had given birth might not be a good idea.

I was being selfish and was blinded by that I think - I'm on paternity leave, everything's taken care of through the day, surely I can continue to head to football for 2 hours once a week.

Her parents stayed with us for a month after our daughter was born, and I thought there was enough support there for me to leave for 2 hours. In terms of how many hands were available to help I was right, but I was wrong about actual support, as in being there because we're both in this together.

I feel the mum has no choice but to adjust, as dad's you need to adjust too, some just take longer, and that was my wake up call.

@TexaSun Blimey, you weren't allowed out for two hours when there were three other adults there. How very odd.

Here we go.

It's not about whether @TexaSun's wife could have coped for that time. Undoubtedly she could. It's about the husband and father of her child recognising and showing that both of their lives, not just hers, have been turned upside down and priorities need to be very different for a while. And that it is not OK for a dad to just fuck off for his regular activities without so much as thinking about the fact that this requires coverage.

I lost my shit at DH in the first two weeks of our firstborn because he'd popped to the shop for milk, decided we needed some other stuff, and gone on to the supermarket and not come back for two and a half hours without messaging. I needed him to understand that my freedom had been completely taken away overnight and I needed him to show that that affected him too. I needed him to help me carry that burden.

@DreadPirateRobots What does 'here we go' mean? Such a patronising little comment.

It means that I knew someone would wilfully miss the point of @TexaSun's post and be all cool-person "why wld you need to ask permission to go out, practical issues were covered and emotional needs and support aren't a thing".