Left DP at pub to get home on his own

[Confused2691]

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

You are being unreasonable if you go and collect.
Your baby should come first to you even if it doesn’t to him.

He let you go home expecting a lift home .
@Confused2691 time to put your foot down and stop letting him walk all over you

This whole thing is ridiculous. He still thinks he can drink and party like an unemployed teenager and his mum will pick him up.

Read him the riot act.

I'm glad you didn't pick him up last night! I hope you didn't pick him up this morning either. He chose to stay out instead of coming home with his partner and young baby, so he can sort himself out!

This reminded me of my ex so much. The thinking popping in the car not a big thing when it messes up a baby routine. Getting the huff when you say no. You not telling your parents about this stuff because you don't want to make him look bad then they think he's great.

You know why he doesn't think it's an issue disturbing the baby routine? I would put money on the fact he doesn't know because he's leaving it all to you with the baby. And you breastfeeding is used as the excuse you accept but then when breastfeeding stops he will be in his habits and expect you to do it all still.

My ex actually started getting abusive when I tried to get him to do more. And because I'd always covered up how he treated me re the lifts and no housework an always doing what he wants etc my family thought I was ridiculous for leaving him. I had judgment from everyone because I'd hidden the reality from everyone.

Op tell your family and friends the truth of your relationship. If it's a good relationship then there is nothing to be ashamed of. My sister has an amazing husband and she can moan about him to me and I can be sympathetic and let her vent and we both know he's a good guy and all relationships have minor bumps in the road. If he's a good guy you don't need to be coving anything up!!

I doubt very much your problems are just the lifts. You deserve better. By all means don't just throw the towel in and run you can try to fix it but stand firm you won't be treated like the support human, the second class human, the home help. You are more than a mother and a partner you are your own person. And he should be more than his own person he should also be a father and a partner. Accept nothing less

I generally agree with you, but life should not revolve around children, children have to fit in with adult schedules (except when breastfeeding, which works best if done on demand). OP wants to go home. She can. She does not have to go out again,with baby, to fetch DP who has chosen not to go home. He can walk, get a taxi or crash on someone's sofa. A conversation needs to be had between OP and DP as to why she is NOT a taxi service.

You need to start planning for you and your baby's future.
He is simply horrendous.

Surely when the baby has settled the OP is also getting some much needed rest in the evenings! Not waiting around to roust said baby and collect her OH at all hours so he can carry on drinking with his friends!

What's worse, when she DOES actually cave and collect him at all hours, SHE is the one that has to re-settle and get the baby to sleep so she can go to sleep (again), too!. He just pisses off to bed!

@Confused2691 You sound a lovely, respectful person. I agree it’s best not to air gripes about partners with family, unless there’s abuse. Bad patches can be overcome in relationships, but family can continue to judge or feel awkward. Better to confide in trusted friends who are solely your friends and never/rarely see your partner.

To achieve equity in a relationship, you should expect a partner who’s equally lovely and respectful. Hopefully, yours will step up and prove to be so. He may need it explaining to him. But not repeatedly.

Regardless, nuture good, pre-partner friendships and a few new ones who don’t meet your partner much. They’re gold in being there just for you. And you for them.

A friend of mine was killed some years ago walking home drunk along an unlit road with no pavements. He had two young kids. The devastation it caused was unreal. Your DH is being both immature and incredibly foolish to not stump up for a cab fare if he insists on staying out.

It sounds like you have a toddler and a baby. You shouldn’t need to be convincing the father of your child that baby’s needs come first.

When will this end? What will happen when you DD is 3 or 5 or 9? Will they still be dragged out of bed to collect their boozy father? Or will he try to convince you that you can leave them home alone for the 20 minutes it takes to collect him? 🤔

Which part of the baby did he want?? I can’t get over the incredible selfishness of making you pick him up while recovering from a c section in pain, much less expecting you to put baby in car at night to get him. If this man is salvageable you need a come to Jesus talk where you say you wanted this baby, but you weren’t there for me post birth recovering. We have this baby now and I can’t make you love her or care for her but I do both, and I will not put your wish for a drink ahead of her welfare. I will not bundle her into a car to pick you up. If you were a better father or husband you wouldn’t be asking either, I’m so disappointed in you.

I’m sorry @Confused2691 , in those circumstances I would be telling him if he chooses to stay out, I’ll be turning my phone off and then doing so. At least you will be avoiding the guilt trip. There isn’t really any emergency that can’t keep till morning, is there?

Your friends sound a bit immature and selfish, too.

Unbelievable. I am fuming for you OP.
What an insensitive and selfish CF he is. Absolutely do not enable this sort of entitled behaviour from him and stick to your boundaries. He will learn.

You may as well be a single parent OP because it doesn't sound like anything has changed in his life since having a child - apart from a taxi driver being at his beck and call.

Show your daughter a better role model than this, before she ends up in the same relationship.

This is unbelievable. Very good that his mum sees how awful he was re the wedding, is there any way for her or his parents to have some kind of talk with him? Especially if you let them know that it'll put your relationship in jeopardy. And OP - I'm sure you wouldn't do this but PLEASE don't ever give in to his pleas to put his wants before your child's needs. He is a grown man and can look after himself - your DD has to depend on you. Extremely good that he is a DP and not a DH, make sure you don't get financially shafted during maternity leave & do your best to have some money he can't access. You may not need it - but it sounds like you might.

You are keeping the truth from your parents because they would call out what a selfish loser you have had a child with.

I bet he's glad you are miles away from your parents and their support.

Wasters love when the partners they treat badly have little support.

You need to wake up to the selfish arse you have had a child with.

That baby deserves better, so do you.

If I'm purely honest Op, he doesn't sound like he is thinking or acting as a half decent partner or let alone a Dad to a little baby girl 😞

Foot hard Down on this
once left my husband to walk as he was completely out of it, my friend found him upside down in a hedge !!
he’s my ex !!!!

He sounds a selfish prick!

Sounds like you are with someone who is actually already an alcoholic or is an incipient alcoholic. And/or potentially has anger problems. Either way, you've got problems. You describe your present home as 'being off the beaten track'. That sounds like you could become extremely isolated and vulnerable. Your primary responsibility, now, is to your DD - and that means that YOU have to be very strong in and for yourself. You're going to need a crash course in boundary-setting and assertiveness (there's plenty online), you may also need a counsellor / mentor.
I can promise you that being nice, emollient or appeasing won't help you in the long run. You might as well start "tough love" now - in order to see whether your DP can step up or not. And, if not, you'll need to be plotting your exit strategy.

I hope you told him to piss off, he had the chance of a lift, selfish git.

He will know u say what u mean and mean what you say in future. Good life lesson.
How hard is it to take a taxi anyway.

I would have said stay at your friends house if no taxi

You are sleeping aren't you?