Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left DP at pub to get home on his own

313 replies

Confused2691 · 02/11/2024 21:34

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

AlertCat · 03/11/2024 07:49

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

They’d been out all afternoon and it was time to go home. He wasn’t prepared to put the baby first. He then made a very selfish demand that his wife stop feeding the baby and bring the baby out to collect him from the pub, despite having said he would walk home. Now he’s stayed out all night and will not be available for support for her today. It’s incredibly selfish and at that age a baby needs routine or they get really disrupted and very hard to settle.

Goldenbear · 03/11/2024 07:51

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

As when you have a very young baby, the baby is the priority, it is a very short period in your life and they come first.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 03/11/2024 07:54

He's going to have to grow up and accept that life changes once you have a baby.

MoreCardassianThanKardashian · 03/11/2024 07:57

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

Nothing is wrong with him wanting to go out. What's wrong is not putting the babies needs first and then throwing a tantrum when your wife puts the baby first and doesn't pick you up which you agreed was ok a few hours before. He also has precedent for not understanding birth pain and putting his wife and baby first.

Tiswa · 03/11/2024 08:23

It isn’t about the going out it is about the fact that rather than getting a taxi/walking or going home with his family after spending time together he expects his wife and daughter to come and pick him up. He is a grown man who is perfectly capable of finding his way home without putting others out

many expect teenagers and young adults to find their way home

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:27

Going forward they should move to a less remote location so they can plan nights out without having to rely on the other for lifts

Stormyweatheroutthere · 03/11/2024 08:28

I bet op is up with the dc while her ex is asleep at his mates...
If he isn't an ex he bloody should be....

TiredEyesSoreHeart · 03/11/2024 08:29

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 08:27

Going forward they should move to a less remote location so they can plan nights out without having to rely on the other for lifts

OP says he can pay for a taxi, he just chooses not to.

NerrSnerr · 03/11/2024 08:40

Quitelikeit · 03/11/2024 07:39

At the risk of getting shot

What is wrong with the guy wanting to stay out on a Saturday?

I think they should move to stop the issue of being too remote to secure transport from there

Im not sure why people think he needs to be home to sit with op and the baby?!

I could understand if this was happening multiple times a week

Nowhere has op said she isn’t allowed to go out

I don't think the issue is staying in the pub, it's that the OP knew that if he stayed he'd be demanding a lift (like he outrageously did when she was 10 days pp).

I'm sure it would be very different if he'd said 'I'm going to stay for another if that's ok, I'll make sure I get home safely and not be too hungover so I can do my share of the parenting tomorrow'

MichaelandKirk · 03/11/2024 08:42

I hate this expression I want to go for a drink…

He really means he wants to get roaring drunk and then when he is finally finished you can come and pick him up regardless of what you are doing.

diddl · 03/11/2024 08:43

How is he getting home today?

Original poster
Confused2691 · 03/11/2024 08:48

Thanks again for all the replies, didn’t expect so many! I suspected I wasn’t being unreasonable but when you are being told you are it’s good to have support.

DP going out and expecting a lift back is not a weekly occurrence but has happened a fair few times since DD was born and when I was heavily pregnant. Prior to this I often would be out too so would drive us both home (I do not drink). I don’t have an issue with him going out at all and am glad he is enjoying his time with friends as it’s not every weekend. However since having DD I was expecting him to make alternate arrangements for getting home (or staying with friends/family) given her needs come first. The wedding situation made me realise quite early on that wasn’t the case. We did argue about it at the time and his mum was shocked and had a go at him so it’s not as if he’s not known how I or others feel about it. My parents do not know.

That is an issue in itself obviously. Last night I was particularly annoyed that I clearly said I was going home because of DD and he needed to find his own way home if he wanted to go to the pub which he ‘accepted’ and he still then expected me to come out again and collect him. We had been out since 3pm so plenty of time with friends, another pint was not necessary when we have a baby to get home. There was a previous occasion when DD was 8w where he was out all day at a local event with friends (fine by me) I picked him up in the afternoon from local village and then he told me he was going back out to the pub an hour or so later with said friends so I would need to take him back in and pick up again. I said no and that he should have stayed out and I would have considered picking him up at the end of the evening but not going back and forth. As it happens he fell asleep on the sofa so didn’t go but he was fully expecting me to take him and pick him up.

DPs view from last night is that he was only 10 mins away by car so not a big deal for me to pick him up with DD. I think he’s completely missing the point that a) not ideal dragging a small baby out in the far past their bedtime (if nothing else it wakes her up and guarantees I have to stay up feeding her to sleep again when we get him which can take around 30 minutes still) b) Last night he chose not to come home when I did and given the option.

For those asking why we live where we do, it’s simply that as when we moved here we were childless and rent is cheap for area. We liked being rural. Now it’s not as good with DD so are looking elsewhere but rent prices are higher than ever so haven’t been able to find anywhere yet suitable.

OP posts:
MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 08:53

Confused2691 · 03/11/2024 08:48

Thanks again for all the replies, didn’t expect so many! I suspected I wasn’t being unreasonable but when you are being told you are it’s good to have support.

DP going out and expecting a lift back is not a weekly occurrence but has happened a fair few times since DD was born and when I was heavily pregnant. Prior to this I often would be out too so would drive us both home (I do not drink). I don’t have an issue with him going out at all and am glad he is enjoying his time with friends as it’s not every weekend. However since having DD I was expecting him to make alternate arrangements for getting home (or staying with friends/family) given her needs come first. The wedding situation made me realise quite early on that wasn’t the case. We did argue about it at the time and his mum was shocked and had a go at him so it’s not as if he’s not known how I or others feel about it. My parents do not know.

That is an issue in itself obviously. Last night I was particularly annoyed that I clearly said I was going home because of DD and he needed to find his own way home if he wanted to go to the pub which he ‘accepted’ and he still then expected me to come out again and collect him. We had been out since 3pm so plenty of time with friends, another pint was not necessary when we have a baby to get home. There was a previous occasion when DD was 8w where he was out all day at a local event with friends (fine by me) I picked him up in the afternoon from local village and then he told me he was going back out to the pub an hour or so later with said friends so I would need to take him back in and pick up again. I said no and that he should have stayed out and I would have considered picking him up at the end of the evening but not going back and forth. As it happens he fell asleep on the sofa so didn’t go but he was fully expecting me to take him and pick him up.

DPs view from last night is that he was only 10 mins away by car so not a big deal for me to pick him up with DD. I think he’s completely missing the point that a) not ideal dragging a small baby out in the far past their bedtime (if nothing else it wakes her up and guarantees I have to stay up feeding her to sleep again when we get him which can take around 30 minutes still) b) Last night he chose not to come home when I did and given the option.

For those asking why we live where we do, it’s simply that as when we moved here we were childless and rent is cheap for area. We liked being rural. Now it’s not as good with DD so are looking elsewhere but rent prices are higher than ever so haven’t been able to find anywhere yet suitable.

Just stand your ground. He is a grown ass man. So what if you live rural?

I would be stating that you want be his taxi service anymore if i was you.

Don't put up with this misogynistic nonsense that you should pander to his nights out.

If he wants to go out, he sorts out his own transport from now on.

You're not his chauffeur

Teacherprebaby · 03/11/2024 08:54

MellowPanda · 03/11/2024 08:53

Just stand your ground. He is a grown ass man. So what if you live rural?

I would be stating that you want be his taxi service anymore if i was you.

Don't put up with this misogynistic nonsense that you should pander to his nights out.

If he wants to go out, he sorts out his own transport from now on.

You're not his chauffeur

Show quote history

It actually sounds like he's a teenager and she's his Mum.

crumblingschools · 03/11/2024 08:54

How much parenting will he do when he gets home? How much parenting/household stuff does he do generally

Allthehorsesintheworld · 03/11/2024 09:01

He does seem to prioritise drinking over you and his child.
Could be he has not woken up to the fact he’s a parent and needs to grow up and step up. Or could be he has a drink problem.
Keep an eye on the situation. To me as an outsider, but with the experience of living with an alcoholic, this rings a lot of familiar bells.

PuppyMonkey · 03/11/2024 09:05

It’s a pity your phone won’t be working today when he asks you to pick him up this morning OP.Wink

NerrSnerr · 03/11/2024 09:06

He needs to get it in his head that from now on you won't be picking him up late from the pub. Your baby will get less portable as they get older so he needs to sort his own shit out.

Is he home yet? After an unexpected night away I'd expect him to do the bulk of the parenting today as he has had a rest.

Maria1982 · 03/11/2024 09:06

To be honest, it’s worse than wanting a lift. You have a 4 month old baby who you’re breastfeeding.
how come he gets to party like he’s still single?? When do you think you will be able to casually announce you’re staying over at
a friends ??

Standin · 03/11/2024 09:11

Mine behaved like your DH. I even took our children home from the youngest’s christening because he wanted to party, with friends into the night.

If we went out and had a babysitter, also had an awful habit of never wanting to leave ‘just one more’ meaning we were late back for the babysitter and if promising to be the one to get up with our children the next morning, after a late night. He never did!

He is now my ex.

Iamnotalemming · 03/11/2024 09:20

Well done OP for putting your foot down. If I were you I would just refuse to do any more taxi services for him, none at all. He needs to grow up. He sounds selfish and immature.

Kool4katz · 03/11/2024 09:21

What a selfish knob. He needs some tough love and to be treated like a wayward toddler otherwise he’ll soon find himself being an ex!

Spendorsave · 03/11/2024 09:22

Confused2691 · 03/11/2024 08:48

Thanks again for all the replies, didn’t expect so many! I suspected I wasn’t being unreasonable but when you are being told you are it’s good to have support.

DP going out and expecting a lift back is not a weekly occurrence but has happened a fair few times since DD was born and when I was heavily pregnant. Prior to this I often would be out too so would drive us both home (I do not drink). I don’t have an issue with him going out at all and am glad he is enjoying his time with friends as it’s not every weekend. However since having DD I was expecting him to make alternate arrangements for getting home (or staying with friends/family) given her needs come first. The wedding situation made me realise quite early on that wasn’t the case. We did argue about it at the time and his mum was shocked and had a go at him so it’s not as if he’s not known how I or others feel about it. My parents do not know.

That is an issue in itself obviously. Last night I was particularly annoyed that I clearly said I was going home because of DD and he needed to find his own way home if he wanted to go to the pub which he ‘accepted’ and he still then expected me to come out again and collect him. We had been out since 3pm so plenty of time with friends, another pint was not necessary when we have a baby to get home. There was a previous occasion when DD was 8w where he was out all day at a local event with friends (fine by me) I picked him up in the afternoon from local village and then he told me he was going back out to the pub an hour or so later with said friends so I would need to take him back in and pick up again. I said no and that he should have stayed out and I would have considered picking him up at the end of the evening but not going back and forth. As it happens he fell asleep on the sofa so didn’t go but he was fully expecting me to take him and pick him up.

DPs view from last night is that he was only 10 mins away by car so not a big deal for me to pick him up with DD. I think he’s completely missing the point that a) not ideal dragging a small baby out in the far past their bedtime (if nothing else it wakes her up and guarantees I have to stay up feeding her to sleep again when we get him which can take around 30 minutes still) b) Last night he chose not to come home when I did and given the option.

For those asking why we live where we do, it’s simply that as when we moved here we were childless and rent is cheap for area. We liked being rural. Now it’s not as good with DD so are looking elsewhere but rent prices are higher than ever so haven’t been able to find anywhere yet suitable.

I don't see why you are having to defend the fact that you live in a rural location OP. Just because some pp prefer urban settings it doesn't mean to say you have to!
Like virtually every one else on this thread I'm appalled by your DH's selfishness and lack of comprehension of what being a parent should mean.
That he has shown his drinking and social life is more important to him than your and your child,'s welfare is actually disgusting and I would think less of him as a person now.
You really have to talk to him seriously about his attitude.

Grammarnut · 03/11/2024 09:27

Call him a taxi? My late DH would never have expected me to pick him up at 2 a.m. from anything, whether I was ill or well - and wouldn't have gone to a wedding without me, come to think of it. Your DP sounds a dick.