Left DP at pub to get home on his own

[Confused2691]

DP and I spent this afternoon (from 3pm) at our nearby friends. We had our 4m DD with us. DP and friends drinking, me not. We live at the end of a single track lane basically in the woods so have to drive everywhere, including the friends from today 10/15 mins away.

At 6pm we all walked to the local bonfire and fireworks. Got back to our friends village at 8.30pm. DP then told me he wanted to go for dinner and some more drinks at the local pub. Given it had been a long day for DD, past her usual bedtime and hadn’t slept much I said no, explaining why to DP and that we should go home. DP refused, saying he wanted another drink. He offered to not eat and just have a drink but I again repeated we needed to get home for DD who wasn’t very happy. He again said he wanted to stay so I said fine but I was going home in the car and he would have to find his own way home if he stayed. He said fine, he’ll walk. I left with DD.

The walk will take an hour at least and none of which on pavements. Both ways include walking down a main road with no pavements or streetlight. He could try a taxi but unlikely to get one at this time as we’re not in the big town. For background context, I always try to make an effort to pick him up if he’s out with friends drinking and I’m with DD at home. However he has been insensitive in the past such as refusing to make alternate arrangements for transport after a wedding when I was 10 days PP so I had to pick him up at 2am.. I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving. There is nothing other than the additional cost stopping him from booking a taxi, he has before, but he doesn’t. I think I need to put my foot down as he keeps taking advantage of me being a people pleaser. I’m also annoyed he couldn’t understand that our baby DD needed to go home.

That said, he thinks I’m being unreasonable so maybe I am. What do you think?

P.S he has just messaged asking me to pick him up! Currently feeding DD.

I once did the same with my ex'dp'. We were at a party in Dagenham (we lived in Basildon). My ds was 18 months and had had enough ( I had also had enough!) He refused to go home at 1am so I left him there and drove home. No idea how he got home, I never asked.

When I have said OP is the wrong?

Please stop lying and trying to derail the thread.

I literally said she did the right thing because he should get himself home and there’s no way I would have messed up my baby’s routine by picking someone up.

How old are you both? It sounds like he's not ready to be a dad in terms of acceptance of the inevitable curtailment of social life that comes with it.

I hope that when his friends start having children they'll show him up by behaving the right way (hopefully they won't start all enabling each other to be dicks with their wives/partners). He seems very selfish and unfeeling.

This. Jesus wept there are some sad excuses for husbands/ fathers around. Your line should have been drawn when the useless, selfish tosspot made you collect him at 2am, 10 days PP.

And he gets a full nights sleep while you are up with the baby.

OP, he doesn't sound great, certainly not an involved committed father if he thinks it reasonable to be dragging a baby out unnecessarily.

Good fathers do not do that.
I hope you return to work, keep family and friends close and keep your money separate.
I suspect you are going to need all of the above.

Thanks for finally seeing sense 🙌 🙏 👏

You are way too used to putting his needs first and assuming if he wants you to do something, then the default response from you should be "yes of course dear, I know you agreed earlier you wouldn't ask me to do this but of course as you are my lord and master, then you can summon me and I will jump".

You should of course be the master of yourself, but failing that it's probably going to be dd for the next little while anyway. And of course dd should be the boss of your pitifully self-centred husband too.

How immature he is. Most unattractive.

OP, I am glad you stuck to your guns and didn't pick him up.

Does he have a binge drinking problem? He will need to kick this in the head now he is a dad.

When I had my DS, I was very much like your DP, constantly pushing boundaries for lifts and getting drunk quite often on nights out. It's something I actually apologised to my ex for many years later once I realised my behaviour was unacceptable.

Once a baby is born, the priority is on them especially when they are young.

I think everyone on this thread has now got the measure of you and your hairy hands.

Sorry OP, there’s always one on every thread.
Hopefully they’ll go onto a different thread soon or get a life and stop all together.

I hadn’t driven yet as was nervous to drive with baby and had an infected episiotomy so was still in pain driving.

I’m afraid your partner is completely selfish. He prioritised getting pissed over you, his partner. Ignore the having had a baby for a moment, if you were 10 days post surgery it would have been totally inappropriate to expect you to go get him at 2am. BUT, you had just carried and birthed his daughter and he had no consideration of your health nor for his days old daughter. He’s awful, sorry.

With regard to dragging babies around all over the place, I know some people think it’s totally acceptable to have them out at all hours when they’re that young, but they need to rest. If she’s in a routine then your life is dictated by that. I’m guessing you do all of the childcare so if the routine makes your life easier then that’s what you do. He’s not onboard with how your life changes when you have a child and that’s his choice, but he’s going to be left behind. You are caring for and nurturing a person, teaching her how to exist in the world and how to deal with all the things she’s going to come across as she gets older. He’s going to the pub. That’s where you’re at.

I remember when mine were about 6 months and BIL was coming for lunch. He was about 2.5 hours late, I’d kept lunch from being ruined for as long as possible but it was time for their nap. I said I was taking them out (they only slept in the pushchair) and MIL wasn’t impressed asking “Oh, are you not waiting to greet your guests?” 😂 Aye, no. Not when they can’t be arsed to arrive even vaguely on time. I’m not even going to say “have a routine but don’t let it dictate what you do”. Do what you need to do. Make life as easy as you can for yourself as it sounds like you’re going to be carrying the load pretty much on your own.

OP I had the same thought re. binge drinking. It's worrying that he insists on going on to the pub after having had several drinks already at friends' place, and especially that his idea of a compromise was to offer to 'only drink' and not eat to speed things up.

Wanting to drink more and then falling asleep on the sofa instead also sounds like he craves alcohol even if his body has already had more than enough.

Of course you're more than reasonable to not pick him up in this scenario; I'd make it an iron rule not to facilitate him getting extra drinks in. But if he doesn't accept that in good faith, if he doesn't realise that his priorities have to change thoroughly, then potentially you have a big problem on your hands. I hope he sorts himself out.

I don't think it's about 'use'. You seem very black and white.

I'd feel more relaxed just having my partner around in the house, because it helps cement the feeling of being a family unit/ there wouldn't be this nagging worry he'd phone later/ after putting the baby to sleep OP would truly be able to start winding down herself with someone she feels safe with.

I get that both mums and dads should be given freedom to go out/ relax sometimes away from their children, but he'd been doing that for about 5 hours already. In any case, OP didn't say that was the issue and she'd voluntarily waived everything I mention above. Your earlier post about 'why did he need to leave?' was needlessly hair-splitting/ earnest - it was obviously just for practical reasons and not because the OP is determined to ruin her partner's fun.

OP I find it interesting your parents don’t know about these demands for lifts. If his own mother got angry about it, I should imagine your own parents would go
apeshit.
Absolutely no thought for your safety or that of your baby’s getting you out of bed when you were very poorly, and you are clearly settled into a routine.
It is clear it’s the alcohol which is ruling his decision. If you have spent all day with your friends you don’t need to spend all night with them as well. You can actually have a great time, have a few drinks, and then go home.
You really need to make a stand on this because at the moment he knows your good nature means you want to help. So glad you didn’t get up last night. Once it gets colder/icier it’s the last thing you should be doing with your baby.

I am not annoyed about him staying out, just the continued expectation that I will always pick him up with DD when there are other options available if he actually arranged them.

In no universe is this an unreasonable statement, and anyone who thinks that traipsing a 4m old baby out in the car late at night, to pick up an adult out drinking, is reasonable, has very questionable priorities.

He sounds very immature and belligerent. He also sounds that he doesn’t respect you or care about the wellbeing of your daughter. Is he an active father and a supportive partner otherwise?

Your partner is not adjusting to his new circumstances and his priorities are frozen in time.

You know what you are saying is right, you just needed affirmation and you have it in buckets.

Just let him read the thread. He needs to realise he is the one that has the wrong mindset and the selfish mindset he is displaying showcases his lack of maturity and lack of concern for the well being of you and your child.

You are being fair minded in allowing him time out with his friends, he is not being fair minded in his expectations of you being his chauffeur whilst nursing a young baby. He needs to grow up.

He also seems selectively deaf. When you give him fair and some would say generous options (as perhaps he should be giving you a break from the baby instead of being drunk), he hears what he wants to hear.

Its not a relationship breaker on its own, its him failing to acclimatise to his new family situation, stand firm, he needs to suck it up!

She can say no. Because she knows he will hassle her for a lift later if he stays. And he did just that.

So OP was right to say no they should go home.

Do your parents live nearby? Do you have a close relationship with them? How do they feel about your boyfriend?

I think he’s shocked that you now have someone in your life (DD) who you are willing to prioritise above him. It’s infantile behaviour from him, you’re not his mother, you’re the mother of HIS child and you are rightly prioritising them over his need to continue to drink long into the evening. Hopefully this will send a clear message that he needs to grow up. I think you are 100% in the right. Next time you go out I’d set a really clear expectation and if he decides to change the playfield at the last minute then that will be on him.

YANBU. Life does change after DC, it has to, you aren't the carefree single no responsibility person any more.

He needs to grow up and realise that he has a young family. He needs to stop being so selfish and expecting you to disturb the baby and pick him up at any point.

You need to say NO quite firmly, and he needs to find his own way home.

The very fact that he expected you to drive 10 days PP and in pain shows you what a selfish arse he is.

For him to say YABU to not pick him up, is outrageous.

Also if he continues to be an arse about this and giving you the cold shoulder I’d really recommend going to stay with your parents for a bit to get some actual support and make a clear point that you will not put up with this behaviour.

He is 32 and I am 29. We are not the first in the group to have children but the two we saw last night don’t have children at the moment. Baby was very much wanted by us both. The other dads seem to be respectful of their partner’s and children but not sure what they would have done in the situation last night.

No they live a few hours away but I am very close to them. They like DP and have a good relationship with him. I wouldn’t tell them as I do try and keep our relationship ‘issues’ separate - I could work through any issues with a partner and move on from them but my parents would not.

Re the drinking, DP likes a drink and likes to go out and be sociable with his friends. I’ve known him to only have a couple and he doesn’t really drink at home. Some friends are worse than others, the friend last night is a renowned for being a bad influence in the group. He, however, has no children to think of.