Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

@5599katherine ive copied this from a post I made on a thread where the op bf was drifting and actually ended up snogging someone else.

he wasn’t interested in her, and your bf is a liar and isn’t interested in you. Harsh, I’m sorry, but true.

hope this helps now and in the future. If a late 40s woman with more pounds on my rump and additional baggage can do this, you absolutely can. Your ‘currency’ is way more valuable than mine. You’re at your absolute prime.

here goes:

When I was dating, i met a guy, the first guy i had a long term relationship with after my DC dd.

we were together a year and then he just showed me that i was not that important to him and that our relationship was convenient. Seriously, he actually said that. out loud. i was crushed.
We went for our anniversary dinner, but i ended it that night saying that i wanted to be more than a convenience. I was so disappointed and hurt.
HOWEVER, i took a new approach in dating and it really served me well. i dated a few people over a couple of years and took the approach that I would barely even consider the relationship a 'thing' until 6 months, and even then, only something lightweight and ready. I don't date around, this is exclusive but in my head the guy was free to walk away, or I was free to end it if it wasn't working. it meant that I didn't take myself or the relationship too seriously. I was able to be relaxed, be myself and just enjoy each date for what it was. no future faking myself, no allowing my head to run away with things.

Then i met someone amazing, was light and breezy for the 6m, and all good.
I decided that when we made it past a year, then it was time for me to take stock and consider if the relationship passed the probation.
He passed. We passed. We just celebrated 8 years together.

i want this for you.

No one should post photos of people online without their permission. It’s not totally rare for people to be covered by the protected persons service, because of fleeing serious threats or giving evidence in criminal proceedings. It’s not always so much them who are at risk, but can be a mother or sibling. This can sometimes be a reason people are wary of meeting new people or having people take their photo and posting online.

Then surely his settings will reflect this and she won't be able to tag him etc

Enjoy empathising when you're living together and doing all the cleaning, tidying, and childcare. If he is even single.

Why on earth you would persist in going further down the path woth a man who has made it clear that he as no wish to integrate into your life is a mystery. You can do so much better x

I did a week long residential as a teacher earlier this year. I think my DH and I actually had our belated Valentine's meal the day after I'd got back late (early evening but another full on day). There is no way I would have missed his birthday celebrations however I tired I felt - your boyfriend can catch up on some sleep in the day if your celebrations are on the Saturday.

He is hiding something.

Have a lovely weekend away use the time to say goodbye to this relationship, tell him it's over and go to your party as a single woman. 30 is a time fir decisions. Are you happy? Is this the right relationship? The answer is clearly no. Move on.

He's either the wettest, most mleh man in history, or you're the side piece, or you're a stop-gap until he finds something better.

Either way, not having either of you meeting the immediates is a red flag. I can't see this lasting. Sorry OP.

“… it's likely that he sees meeting your friends and family as upping the commitment in your relationship to a level that he's unwilling to take….

I met my DH a year later and unlike the commitment phobic man, he took me as a plus one to his friend's engagement party when we had barely been in a relationship for a month!

From what you have described, OP, I would cut my losses if I were you”

This.

@5599katherine - to him, you’re Ms Good Enough for Now. It shows a serious lack of taste on his part not to want to be more committed but this is on him not you.

My now DH of 20+ years took me along as a plus one to a good friend’s milestone birthday party shortly after he and I started dating. My other significant adult partner, who I was with for a few years in my 20s, also introduced me to his friends and started involving me in socialising with his friends after we’d been together for a few months.

As you sense, that is how committed couples behave but in your case even your mutual friends don’t know you’re together. Which, in a way, sort of involves deceiving your mutual friends. After all, what do you say when they ask what you’ve been up to, what did you do at the weekend etc? Fair enough to keep it under wraps for the first few months why you’re working out whether the relationship is going somewhere. But 1 year in - nope.

A committed partner wants it known that he’s with you. This guy doesn’t want to connect himself with you publicly. That’s because ultimately he sees this relationship as temporary. As a PP said, a really good 30th birthday present to you would be to end it with him and free yourself up to meet someone who really wants to be with you and be seen to be with you.

A good friend eventually married someone like this - he barely integrated with her friends. He was single but essentially he was incapable of being faithful and operating the way he did made things much easier for him to cheat. The marriage collapsed within 6 months.

He isn't invested in the relationship. Stop wasting your time and move on. You deserve better.

My thoughts when reading this were that he has another relationship that he doesn't want discovered. If not, then there's certainly something else that he's not telling you because his behavior is indeed strange. YANBU to end the relationship over this.

And this too:

“horizoner · Today 08:43

…

Putting the birthday aside, you're not happy in this relationship. No one really knows you're together, he doesn't post any photos of you and I assume you feel like you can't either, you never socialise together and he won't introduce you to anyone. It's not just about one birthday meal.

Have you met his family?”

Behaving like this over your 30th and starting to back out of living together just confirms what you must already have been suspecting: this relationship has no future and he is not a keeper.

There is something wrong.
EITHER he's got a medical problem (I'm not being silly, I mean mental problem relating to anxiety, concern, etc. - I've known it) OR more likely there are suspicious circumstances (he's married or "on the run" or needing to lie low for some reason).

He doesn't want to come to a fun and happy event to celebrate with you = he doesn't want to be with you.

He doesn't want to meet your friends = he doesn't care about you, those you love, who you are.

He doesn't want you to meet his friends = he doesn't want to be seen with you.

So what exactly is it that attracts you to this zero-effort man and makes you so keen to do all the relationship-work all by yourself?

This absolutely. You could waste so much time trying to work out why he's doing what he's doing. It's all pointless though (I speak from experience), what really matters is the negative impact it's having on you. It doesn't matter why he's behaving this way. Once you're happy and healthy without him you really won't care about the whys.

He's got an excuse for everything
Not only is he hiding your relationship from others I think he's hiding something else and I don't think he's worth your time and energy finding out what that is.
Give yourself an early 30th birthday gift and finish it with him
You deserve so much more
Happy Birthday OP

Yes, even if he is an introvert treating OP like that is so demeaning and belittling to her.
Why be in a relationship with someone with whom you won’t be seen in public?

He's keeping his options open so he doesn't want to show commitment to you. He may also be seeing other women (probably).
I wasted a lot of time with a bloke very similar. Now I look back I see my self esteem was so low i just accepted it! Do you think you lack self esteem?

Sounds like he's never even met them. Sounds dodgy to me obviously something weird going on in his head/life.

Red flag. Red flag.
Sorry op this man has something to hide bigtime

A year and your mutual friends don't even know you're together? Excuse after excuse? Now backing down on living together? He's not really showing much commitment is he. I think it's time he either steps up and shows he's in this relationship or you step out and go your separate ways

Sounds like he's hiding something. Maybe leading a double life? This isn't normal behavior from someone who's dating exclusively for almost a year. Time for a heart to heart.

That isn't normal behaviour for a year relationship. He should be excited and helping you with the party. Massive red flag for me.

Is there a cultural reason that he can't be out in public with you?

In which case OP he considers your relationship a temporary one?

Sorry OP but this screams he is is in a long term relationship. He could have his own place due to work commitments but have a family elsewhere. There are plenty of people who work away from where they actually live. My aunt was married to a guy for 30+ years and he worked away a lot but earned good money so it was how their lives were. It was only by accident she found out he had a family in the area he worked. House, partner, kids and dog! The red flags are slapping you in the face here but your eyes are well and truly shut. Open them for your own sake and run