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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

296 replies

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 04:09

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

OP posts:
Greentreesandbushes · 02/11/2024 10:27

Your weekend away, is this right before his residential? If so it could be to hide going away with you.

I would start posting pictures of you together and tag him. See what happens. I suspected that he was an introvert but he seems to be able to socialise with others. I would ask him if you are socially compatible

LogicVoid · 02/11/2024 10:30

He's either hiding something, has issues, or simply does not want to develop your relationship. Not worth your further effort frankly. You can do much better than this.

cwcanfo · 02/11/2024 10:34

This is not good.
He's hiding the relationship for some reason.
It's possible he might have another woman (is he really on the residential trip).
He doesn't want to meet your friends and he doesn't want you to meet his. That means there's a reason for this and you should consider what this could mean.
There might not be another woman but maybe he's not serious about you and the avoidance of moving in together might suggest that he isn't serious.

Please do not waste any more time being messed around by him. I can't think of any reasonable explanation for his behaviour and it's the combination of avoiding the party and making excuses about moving in which indicates something's off.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 02/11/2024 10:37

Oh OP. I had a horrible man ruin my 30th because he didn't want to come meet my friends because it would show commitment. I waited all day night for him and he didn't show.

He paid for a night away in a hotel to 'make it up to me'. Clearly just wanted sex. Please don't look back on a milestone birthday and have bad memories of some twat!

LottieMary · 02/11/2024 10:43

Are you happy with this being a short term relationship? Because if he won’t have you meet each others friends that’s very very likely to be all it will ever be

LouH5 · 02/11/2024 10:48

I go on the school residential every year and yes it’s bloody exhausting, but it wouldn’t stop me going to my partners birthday. Especially a big one like a 30th. Even if I just went to the meal and bowed out early, I’d bloody be there.

He should want to come. It would ring such alarm bells to me that you’ve been together a year and he doesn’t want to meet your friends, and you meet his. Even if he said something like “I’ll be so tired from the residential and not on good form, but I am so keen to meet your friends soon so shall we pencil something in with them next month?” Or making suggestions for when he can meet them at other times. But the fact he’s never shown an interest before and is now using the residential as a reason not to come is a big “no” from me.

MrsSunshine2b · 02/11/2024 10:49

If he definitely isn't married, he's ashamed of you. Sorry to be so blunt. Maybe it's because he is pursuing other girls and doesn't want them to know, maybe it's because he has the belief that he's entitled to someone he considers more attractive/ better groomed/ posher/ richer/ more educated, but whatever it is, he doesn't want to be publicly linked to you.

Go off and win the break-up, he obviously thinks he deserves better and you definitely do.

rainbowbee · 02/11/2024 10:51

He's not serious about you. Sorry but you're good enough to pass time with and spend night with but he's not prepared to be 'in' your real life. I'd get rid and enjoy the party and start your new decade single if I were you.

HonestPayforHonestWork · 02/11/2024 10:54

I’m sorry but he’s future faking you. He’s all for it (fill in the blank), then comes up with a very reasonable reason why it’s no longer possible. Either he’s a commitment phobe, or he’s dating someone else.

paisley256 · 02/11/2024 10:54

He doesn't deserve you.

SilverChampagne · 02/11/2024 10:57

Fraaahnces · 02/11/2024 04:24

Sounds like classics Married Man behaviour to me

Yes, it does.
How could you possibly think him being scared to meet your friends, or considering it inappropriate to do so (wtf!) is in any way normal, op?!

MzHz · 02/11/2024 10:58

Give yourself the best 30th birthday gift you can- freedom from someone who isn’t into you.

he should want to show you off, be proud to be by your side and jump at the chance of getting to know your dearest friends

tell him “fine, don’t come. See you around.”

don’t look back, he’s genuinely a waste of time.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 02/11/2024 10:59

Shakatak · 02/11/2024 04:17

He doesn’t like your friends. Have a party and enjoy yourself with them.

How can he not like them when he has never met them? And I guess his friends don't like OP as well right because she has never met any of his friends as well.

@5599katherine there's more to this, maybe he is hiding something eg he has another life you're not aware of, I'm not sure but I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement. It feels like a shag on the side type arrangement to me. Have you met anyone from his family?

nightmarepickle2025 · 02/11/2024 11:00

A week long school residential is not something that is scheduled last minute

MounjaroUser · 02/11/2024 11:04

Dontsparethehorses · 02/11/2024 05:05

so I was all set to say YANBU until I read the excuse - if he’s on residential all week he will be absolutely exhausted. Utterly bone tired and he’s never met your friends before so will be ‘on show’ and not able just to relax. I don’t think not meeting them for a year before hand is right - but I do totally get his reason for not attending your
party as disappointing as it is.

I'm assuming he's a 30 year old man who can cope with a night out after a residential. "Absolutely bone tired" ffs. Save that expression for parents with a newborn or for people on chemotherapy.

OP, I think he's panicking about a photo of him with you on social media. Something's going on in his life that you know nothing about. It's not normal to not meet each other's friends in the first year of a relationship.

AxolotlEars · 02/11/2024 11:08

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 08:18

The residential was arranged after I booked my party. I have paid a deposit for a room with food and drinks for everyone, its not just a meal with friends. It feels embarrasing that he isnt coming.

Unless you booked your event a very long time ago, I'd be surprised if this was the case!

MounjaroUser · 02/11/2024 11:13

Have you met his parents or other members of his family?

Codlingmoths · 02/11/2024 11:17

5599katherine · 02/11/2024 08:45

We recently talked about living together. He was all for it and now he is saying he gets such a good price for his apartment, he does not want to leave. He knows I cant move in there as I have a dog and his place does not allow them. Its just excuse after excuse.

Of course he was all for it… he wants to keep you hanging on in the secret relationship so he has to say what a great idea! Until he’s worked out his excuse. Ditto your party- it was not that he was coming until he found out about the residential. It’s of course he said he was coming, he has to say that until he’s found his excuse.
i wish you a happy and single birthday.

MounjaroUser · 02/11/2024 11:22

I would end the relationship but I'd do some digging first. He's lying through his teeth. Have you ever actually used that key to get into his home? Are you sure it's the right key? Is he able to FaceTime you whenever you want, as long as he's not at work? Is he on any social media?

DeloresVonCartier · 02/11/2024 11:25

Nah there is no point wasting time digging around. Bin him off and have your 30th without a silly man making you doubt yourself while eroding your self esteem. Happy birthday month!

OhCobblers · 02/11/2024 11:28

Birdseyetrifle · 02/11/2024 07:53

Give yourself a 30th birthday present of raising the bar and dumping him.

He goes to friends parties and put with mates but doesn’t want to come to yours, meet your friends, or tell anyone about you!! Come on! You deserve better than this.

This.

Honestly OP he sounds like such a drip. God knows how you've put up with him for a year Confused

Rainbowdottie · 02/11/2024 11:28

I think even if you take out the friends issue ....whether he doesn't seem to want to meet yours or you,his.......it's a bit odd that he doesn't want to come to your milestone birthday bash. He could just "get through" one night if he really thought a lot of you. He may never see your friends again...but one night for a big occasion is surely not too much to ask.

As a retired teacher I totally get the "dog tired" feeling/emotion. I used to feel that every Friday night, let alone at the end of a residential. But again,it's one night that you're really really asking him for. I've found at times when I've been that tired from school,I'm almost running on air and adrenaline ,I'm almost hyperactive...you just keep going until you drop. He just has one night to get through and then he can just drop.

I wouldnt be at all happy if my partner missed a big birthday. I wonder what his answer/excuse would be if you changed the date and it didn't come at the end of a residential.

It's strange to me that it's OK to go away the weekend before a residential (mind you, has he just had half term?) But I was the sort of teacher who couldn't really think past noon on a sunday for fear of "not being ready " for the week, let alone leave for residential! The weekend after, your birthday, is the celebration! He's done the working week, he's done the residential, it should all be behind him!

Clarabell77 · 02/11/2024 11:29

I know this is probably not the norm but we tend to keep to ourselves and keep our friend groups separate. Meeting each other’s friends and colleagues has just happened naturally over the years - I’ve met some of his and he’s met some of mine, but not all. If I was having a celebration like you’ve described with my friends and colleagues I wouldn’t invite my husband, even (especially 🤣) after over 20 years together. I’d do something nice with him separately. We weren’t reluctant to meet each other’s family and friends but it just happened when it happened and I didn’t/don’t expect him to join in with everything I do with them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/11/2024 11:29

Yes, he’s married.

Cosyblankets · 02/11/2024 11:31

Who brought up the subject of living together? My money is on you not him
Why don't mutual friends know? How do you go a year seeing someone without people knowing? Why haven't you told them?
Is he in your SM profile picture? Guessing not? What would happen if you changed your pic to be both of you?