Boyfriend wont attend my birthday party

[5599katherine]

AIBU?
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year and he is strangly relucant to meet my friends or let me meet his friends.
I have questioned him about this on many occasions and I still get the same excuses that hes scared, he is mostly friends with work colleagues and he didnt think it was appropriate etc. I am so upset with all the excuses.

Its my 30th birthday next weekend and we are going for a weekend away. Hes planned it all and Im looking forward to it.
The following week, its my birthday party with all of my friends, around 15 of them which includes work colleagues too. I have booked a table in a nice restaurant which also has a dance floor etc.
Obviously, I have asked him to come to which he has said he will try, but hes on a residential school trip during the week (hes a teacher) and he will be really tired and probably wont want to make it.

He says we are going for the weekend away so surely thats enough?
I just feel that hes making excuses because he doesnt want to meet my friends.

Does he have social media? What's on it?

You said earlier that the residential wasn't planned until after you'd fixed the date of your meal? School residential are planned a very long way in advance, up to a year usually. I assume you didn't book the restaurant this time last year?
Find out when 'the residential' is supposedly starting and go to the meeting place and see if there's a load of kids and their parents with suitcases etc. I suspect there won't be.
Or find out where they're going and make up a reason to phone the accommodation to see if it's happening.

Bin him off. There's more to this and personally I'd let him go. I wouldn't even go on the weekend away. Move on. You're worth more.

This is classic future faking, he's not at all invested in you or the relationship. Please don't step into your fabulous 30s with this loser..

My (probably ND) DH has extreme social anxiety. It's got worse over the years as his physical health has deteriorated. In the past he could only really cope with going to the local and chewing the fat with the same group of men every time. (This stopped about 20 years ago, though.) I got used to going to social events on my own if I wanted to go and never dragged him along unless it was a family funeral, as he'd worry himself into such a state. Luckily I'm not much of a party animal, but I am fairly self confident and will just get on with it and 'do my thing' if I want to go. It is rather sad that he can't share in some of my work successes which do involve socialising, but that's how he is. Nobody would really realise how he is in a day to day context as he is charm personified, but any gatherings are a massive problem for him.
If your DP has similar traits, he's probably fine in a work context that he feels safe in, but other stuff may be a problem.

He could have a "serious relationship" with someone in a different country! something is off!

Good luck with a wedding (if that's in your plans) ...

You're a booty call. And he doesn't want a real relationship with you.

I'm sorry.

He's doing juuuuust enough to keep having sex with you while making no commitments, backing out of any mutual friend plans, no pictures of you together, actually 'planning' to be tired in advance of things he should obviously be making an effort for, couldn't possibly leave his apartment where he knows you can't live with your dog....

Again, he's PLANNING, in advance, to be too tired to even make an appearance at your big 30th dinner party.

And has backed out of every single event where your or his friends will be, too.

You're a booty call.

Google 'pocketing' in relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you

All the people saying he has a social anxiety/phobia etc., have missed the point that he is happy to socialise with his friends and in his groups - not with the OP.

Was the school residential compulsory?

I think some people are very interested in keeping their partners just for themselves. They want to be the only person of importance in your life. By refusing to have anything to do with your friends and family they make you make a choice.

Can he at least meet one or two friends at a time rather then a massive group.

So you already know the answer to living together. He's hiding something, which he might be embarrassed by, but if he can't tell you about it then not really marriage or family material.

The best birthday present you can give yourself is getting rid of this one. You are 30. Clock is ticking. Those ten years between 30 and 40 go by in a blink of an eye. Get rid of him and find someone who is going to love you

This

This is the most likely reason sadly.

I was in a relationship like this years ago, and wish I’d been on mumsnet to get some support and encouragement to put an end to it - it went on for YEARS on and off, and really messed me up. Maybe your 30th is a good time for a fresh start?

Why are you putting up with this?

You're wasting your time -there's no future

When did you book your party? At my son's school, residential trips are booked well over a year in advance (as someone who never plans beyond next week, receiving the memo for trips during the 2025/26 academic year is wild).

I can't imagine any school can just announce a spontaneous weeklong residential trip - they take massive amounts of planning. Sounds like the kind of excuse that you can't possibly object to because it's school related.

He's in another relationship/married and is keeping his two lives apart.
Didn't even have read more than 1/3 into
your post as it's glaringly obvious.

I just said the same thing! It's highly unlikely that his school can plan a weeklong residential trip without at least a year's planning.

At the 1st mention of dance floor my DH would bale. There is no chance at all of getting him to come to a b'day if a dance floor is involved. So I celebrated with my friends without him and went for a nice dinner with him the week after.

But he didn't HAVE to dance, did he?

Our mutual friends don't know we are together

This says it all. Sorry

Why don't they know

You are gf/bf

You have a key to his place

Unless that's his shag pad and he has another place with a gf/wife

Do you go out for meals together - the two of you ? Check into Fb and tag you both there

Not wanting to attend your 30th is weird

Any other men Going ? Or all your girl friends and female work colleagues

This guy is lame. I have been there with this kind of guy and regret not ending things sooner. Dump him and enjoy being in your thirties without some wishy washy bullshitter.