I want to find clever friends

[NeverSatisfiedYou]

I want to find interesting people who I can chat about highbrow (and lowbrow stuff) with. I have friends but the ones who fulfil this brief and nourish me live far away and my local friends make me feel like I’m faking it.
I know it makes me sound like a dick but ‘clever’ is how I phrase it, I think I mean engaged.
How do I meet people who are like me? Have you?
my AIBU is - is it unreasonable to require this and look for it specifically? Or am I being a snob?

Well, how clever are you? What would you offer a clever person?

Join a book club

Go to a local arts/literary festival

Take an evening course: learn a language.

That’s a good tip. I have friends 20 years difference - in both directions - that’s definitely true about the different perspectives. Again through my particular interest which has been picked up by Gen Z, that crew have been a great enrichment to my social life.

Oh god, the types at MENSA are sooooooo boring. No, don’t go there @NeverSatisfiedYou

And anyway, doing IQ tests is a knack. Once I learned how to do them I could score 140 with ease …

I joined the local music society, it is a sort of supporters club for the local amateur orchestra. Met friendly people, we chat but most are older than me and being local already had friendship groups.
Local Uni has a regular choral services. I go to many mainly for the music. Getting to know a few people. But it is slow.

I think I know what you mean by looking for a certain type of friend, but I wouldn't call what I enjoy 'clever' exactly. I like being with people who have a zesty style of conversation: witty, interested, thoughtful; lively but not frantic; there need to be pauses for a bit of peace and quiet. I don't at all need them to agree with me, but when we disagree I like them to ask me exactly what I mean and why I think as I do, and vice versa. The subject of the conversation isn't as important as the style.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 …. dick

I am completely with you OP. I long for some intellectual companionship. People to talk to about issues and what is going around us, history, politics, feminism etc., just exchanging views and hearing someone else's take on things. I should love to find people who are interested in stuff and willing to discuss - not necessarily "clever" but thoughtful. It is a particular form of loneliness to miss all this.
The book club and going to talks suggestions on here are all very well, but don't give much opportunity to actually discuss things.

Agree with what you said here. It's not just going to the talks - it can be a long process. Repeatedly going, asking if they fancy a drink after. In many ways, it's almost akin to dating. And you're spot on about "thoughtful", too. I don't necessarily require my friends to be degreed up to the eyeballs, but I want a zest and passion for thinking.

I've made it happen over a very long period, but starting? It's like floundering in the dark a bit.

There's an organisation called Philosophy in pubs, they meet in pubs all over the country and have deep Philosophical conversations.
Would that be your cup of tea at all?

I'm another one for Bumble BFF. I have met several good friends from there who are fun, interesting and a little different to my other friends.

Of course YANBU to have a preference for a specific type of friend.

I'm the opposite, whilst I'm fairly smart and educated (not immensely so but did well at university and have a professional career), I actively seek laid back, casual friends who want to talk about TV shows, holidays, and casual chit chat. I find the kind of chat you're looking for too intense and I don't have the energy for that level of engagement.

We're all different. Where do you live? I live in an affluent part of SE and meet many successful and engaged people. If you live in a deprived area you may need to look a bit harder I would expect.

I know what you mean. I have been watching repeats of QI (the earlier episodes with Stephen Fry). Alan Davies irritates me, but the other guests are generally great. It's such a lovely vibe – bright, clever, funny people talking about interesting things. Now and again you get a really good episode of 'A Good Read', 'The Infinite Monkey Cage' or 'In Our Time' on Radio 4, and there is the same lovely vibe.

Like you, I'm starved of intelligent conversation (yes, I know that makes me sound like an obnoxious twat). I want to talk about poetry and philosophy and art and ideas. For example, I recently read an article about the Voyager space probe. It was launched in 1977 and is now 15 billion miles from Earth. Though it is travelling at 37,000 miles an hour, it won't reach the nearest solar system for 40,000 years. In 300 years, however, it will reach the Oort cloud, which lies on the edge of our solar system and is filled with space debris the size of mountains. When I'd read that, I almost wanted to cry. I don't know anyone who'd be in the slightest bit interested. I'm also reading Bertrand Russell's History of Western Philosophy atm, and, again, don't know a single person I could talk to about it. I don't mean the people in my life are stupid. On the contrary. But they just don't seem interested in anything.

I'm also starved of people who can hold a civilized conversation. I mean people who listen, who smile and nod, who reply to what you've said (rather than waiting impatiently for you to finish and then talking about what they want to talk about). Above all, I long to be around people who can talk objectively, by which I mean people can talk about a subject without bringing it back to them. Social media is turning us all into raging narcissists. So many people treat every conversation as a battle. They've got to beat you in some way – outdo you, prove they know more, disagree just for the sake of it etc.

Maybe they needed to talk about it, and chose you precisely because you wouldnt know the person or ever meet them?

Do you read novels about people you don’t know? Or do you confine your reading to non-fiction books about subjects you need to know about?

Not particularly interesting though. I always refer to people that they know, as in a point of commonality. Each to their own though 🤔

@TheHistorian You have a lot of friendship issues

I've found it quite interesting to get involved in debates on here. The feminist board is interesting. It has helped fulfil a desire to have more in depth, less surface level discussions. It's also helped challenge certain mindsets of mine in some cases which I've enjoyed. I couldn't have these discussions with friends in real life. I don't think they'd find it interesting.

I really, really relate to this.

May I ask how old you are?

I wish you lived in my town! 🙌🏻🥹

This is all the sort of thing I am interested in too - ideas, science as in the Voyager space probe you mentoned, philosophy, theology, but don't know anyone to talk to about them in depth. Like you, I yearn for objectivity, not just superficial chat or agreement, or knee-jerk disagreement just to make some point.

This thread is a revelation! Sometimes I feel a bit like this but I genuinely thought if I said it out loud or on here I'd be flamed. I get so miserable if I can't be myself and I so rarely can be myself!

This is a really helpful thread and I have looked into some of the groups. The few negative responses such as the first were actually quite helpful in their obstructive way as that's quite familiar in some places if you express an interest in anything 'above your station'. Makes clear it's not always easy finding like minded people.

I'd also look into MENSA. I am pretty sure it's still going

There's Pint of Science too - they hold their events in pubs so quite sociable and in my experience fine to turn up on your own. They have an annual festival around the country - next is May 2025. There is a map on here showing all the events.

pintofscience.co.uk/?origin=serp_auto

But why have you chosen to surround yourself with people who don’t share your interests or with whom you can’t talk at the level you’d like @Dappy777 ? The common denominator in all these relationships is you. Birth family, obviously, you can’t choose, but all subsequent relationships are chosen ones. Are you saying you literally can’t find anyone to talk about ideas with?

One of my friends goes to Blue Dot Festival, it sounds right up my street and I really must make the effort to go. If you find any people of interest to you OP that might be something to float to a few, see if anyone fancies getting a small group together to go. It’s the sort of thing where you could travel togther but there’s so much going on you wouldn’t have to be stuck to each other all the time. If this isn’t your are it’ll interest there may be similar events to look out for.