I want to find clever friends

[NeverSatisfiedYou]

I want to find interesting people who I can chat about highbrow (and lowbrow stuff) with. I have friends but the ones who fulfil this brief and nourish me live far away and my local friends make me feel like I’m faking it.
I know it makes me sound like a dick but ‘clever’ is how I phrase it, I think I mean engaged.
How do I meet people who are like me? Have you?
my AIBU is - is it unreasonable to require this and look for it specifically? Or am I being a snob?

I think I mean that I’m fitting in with them but I’m not fully being myself - I’d prefer some more conversation, more jokes and meaty opinions rather than the lovely but shallow conversations we have.

I'm going to get flamed for this, but this is one of the reasons I have mostly male friends. I get so bored of lovely but shallow chat.

That's not to say there aren't women who love robust discussions and meaty opinions, as you put (I am one!), I just haven't been able to find any, unfortunately.

Get yourself some 70+ women friends. I'm a cleaner and I absolutely love visiting my older clients. They've had such interesting lives. One was a nurse in the Navy and another was an art historian that travelled the world giving lectures. They've seen and done it all. All of them have outlived their husbands by at least 20 years so are fiercely independent and have a no nonsense attitude. If I need advice on anything I go to them and they'll always take the time to listen and give thoughtful answers.

I know exactly what you mean, I use here a lot!

At the moment I'm really interested in discussions about the US election, the situation in the Middle East and I'm also planning a trip to Thailand, but I have nobody really to talk about it with!

I know lots of people, and have lots of not particularly deep, but very lovely friendships. However, I find often people really want to take about Married at First Sight, the big new Home Bargains that has opened, yet another trip to the same place in Tenerife etc. I find my interests are often dismissed as 'oh I'm not interested in the news' or 'why would you want to go there?' Of course I can talk about those things too, and I'm painfully aware of coming across as superior or fancy in any way, so I just keep going with the small talk. I absolutely love it when I find a like minded person, but it's hardly ever...

@OriginalUsername2 I don't see where it looks like I took offence in my post. I was just disagreeing with (not offended by) @goawaynottoday , who did say with certainty that no SAHM unless divorced will ever go to any hobby club more than once. There's not a whole lot of nuance in that!

I think in your shoes I’d be asking myself some questions about why you’ve made local friendships that don’t interest or engage you, and why you’re pretending to be someone you’re not in those relationships. Why are all the friends with whom you can have the type of engagement you want at a distance?

I recently joined our local literary society (which is essentially interesting people giving talks, accompanied by wine!) and I've met lots of new people. Yes, look out for something called a "Literary and Philosophical Society" - the Philosphical bit refers to science in general, and the literary buit to arts in general, so they tend to cover just about everything.

If your interests are historical, there are lots of groups, and the fun ones are Industrial history.

Do you listen all the podcasts related to your interests? Not quite the same as having friends who want to talk about them, but they can be a reasonable substitute for company and give you a platform to start a conversation to test the water with someone new - “Did you hear what Alistair Campbell and Rory Stewart said about xxx?”

I don't think you're being a snob, OP. I can identify with what you're saying.

I was OK at work, but when I left to have my first baby I was very at sea for a while. I'm not a social snob, but I do like to have friends I can talk to about the things that interest me - which are intellectual and - some would sneer and say 'highbrow'. I love classical music, literature, art and architecture (as well as many 'lowbrow' things too!).

I felt like a fish out of water at first because I was with a bunch of people who thought it was pretentious to listen to Radio 4!!!!

I joined a choir eventually plus other groups where like-minded people went and found my tribe. I was soon able to be my real self and not pretend to enjoy things I didn't. If you can, try and join something - a book group, choir, orchestra or similar, or volunteer in a museum/gallery/NT house/garden etc if you have the time.

It very well might not be what OP is looking for. It was a suggestion only
.
I agree with you actually that being a Mensa member is about how your mind works and not necessarily the knowledge you have. Although I would suggest the likelihood of meeting people who are knowledgeable as well as intelligent at a Mensa event are quite high.
I don't go to the meetings.
I joined Mensa because I'm a total underachiever and I hit a stage in my life where I needed the validation and reassurance that I was indeed intelligent. So I joined basically for the certificate.
My DS has been a member since he was 8 and I can assure you, as an adult in his 30s he is not only intelligent but well educated and very knowledgeable about a lot of things.And he is more than capable of holding intelligent conversation .
So, as usual, generalising is not helpful.
And OP is very welcome to dismiss my suggestion as being not what she is looking for.

yukikata · Today 12:21

Avoid mums, especially ones who work basic part time jobs or are full stay at home parents. They are the worst for basic conversation.

Hmm - not in my experience.

The most annoying mum I met was a doctor (still working part-time). She was as ignorant as hell and had only one topic of conversation - how clever her children were and how superior her family was to other people.

She had no cultural knowledge at all and no interest in anything I could discover. She might have been clever in a science-exam-passing kind of way, but she was really boring, conceited and totally unintellectual.

Do a course you are interested in

I didn't find my tribe until I started my PhD. Having a group of people going through something together and having similar goals on life, similar life experiences I found it easier to find a subset of those people who had similar interests in a whole range of things. Many long hours in the pub talking about allsorts of high and low brow stuff. We are now scattered across the globe but conversation is still easier than with most people I see regularly.

Yes, I’m fairly confident that I wouldn’t qualify for MENSA membership, but I have four degrees, and like to talk about a wide range of things with friends. There are people with enormously high IQs who are dull as ditchwater to talk to, and remarkably low on general knowledge.

But having a high IQ isn't a guarantee of being interested in intellectual things in my experience - see my doctor story above. Yes, it helps, but I've got friends who wouldn't get into Mensa but have lots of cultural and intellectual interests, are very well-informed, lively and very culturally active.

Maybe the ones who aren't giving you intelligent conversation are the ones using you for easy, fluffy conversation because they need a brain rest from intelligent conversation they normally have?!

Find a club or society that reflects your interest and go from there?

What is it specifically, any particular subject that you want in depth discussion about? I've a friend like this whose massively into politics and wants to talk about all the time, she shoehorns it in every opportunity. She's ended up joining the local party that she favours and spends time with them discussing it.

I have a couple of friends with no qualifications whatsoever, but they are interested in life, engaging, forthright and fun to be with.
I don't think it's necessarily about talking about highbrow stuff... but talking about "normal" things is somehow more interesting when someone is intelligent/interested

This has also resonated with me actually, but I don't think I am neurodivergent...or maybe I am and never realised?

And for those wanting lovely, intelligent and uplifting chats with other women, I'd highly recommend joining your local WI or Crown Green Bowls club.

Brilliant places and hobbies.

The RSA is stuffed full of interesting people and ideas. Most towns/cities have a meet up once a month so you don't need to be London base, and you don't need to be a member to go along and get involved.

Book group, political party, action group etc

Just an anecdote which seems relevant to me but other people might be baffled as to its relevance!

When I was teaching, I went out for a meal with my job-share and our classroom assistant. I got on really well with both of them, as I do with most people I meet or work with. They were nice women, but I did sort of realise that I couldn't be totally myself with them - I suspected they'd think I was being pretentious if I did.

We went for a meal at an Italian restaurant where the staff are known for their friendliness (all native Italians). As we were ordering one of the women must have mispronounced a menu item and the lovely young waitress kindly and sweetly 'corrected' her - just by saying it properly - more in the way of helping her really. Well, my colleague was incensed, took huge offence and spent the whole meal going on about how the waitress had patronised her, upset her, looked down on her etc etc. I did my best to calm her down, because I saw it as a friendly and helpful gesture - not a threat to anyone's self-esteem.

I learned that some people can be very insecure if they feel others are more knowledgeable than they are, and it can lead to problems in the relationship. this was confirmed when we later had a rather posh (but lovely) Oxbridge-educated teacher join the school. They took against her simply because of her voice and her obvious deep subject knowledge.

I'm not saying you can't be good friends with people of different educational backgrounds and different intellectual ability - you can, of course. But I've learned to be wary through experiences like this. Some people can be small-minded, unfortunately, and judge you if you seem to be cleverer or better-educated.

I am a fellow nerd curious intellectual I too minimised my inner nerdiness and struggled a bit to find my crowd locally. But then I applied my research skills and started deliberately targeting groups and events that attract the nerdy..
You could start with this lot?
https://www.rebelbook.club/

If you work (or used to) the local branch of your professional body may have some events.

I can relate to this. Often the sign is that people take an original line on something - and don't accept or parrot the cliched, conventional one. Sometimes they might seem a bit abrasive - but they can be refreshing company because they clearly think for themselves.

Jesus.

I go to a coffee morning weekly, free with levelling up funding because we live in such a poor postcode.

90% of people have a degree. It's purely chance!