I want to find clever friends

[NeverSatisfiedYou]

I want to find interesting people who I can chat about highbrow (and lowbrow stuff) with. I have friends but the ones who fulfil this brief and nourish me live far away and my local friends make me feel like I’m faking it.
I know it makes me sound like a dick but ‘clever’ is how I phrase it, I think I mean engaged.
How do I meet people who are like me? Have you?
my AIBU is - is it unreasonable to require this and look for it specifically? Or am I being a snob?

I think there’s something here… i need to think it over but that post has resonated!

I agree with PPs that clubs and societies are the way to go.

I recently joined our local literary society (which is essentially interesting people giving talks, accompanied by wine!) and I've met lots of new people.

I wouldn't describe any of them as my ride or die, but I have other friends to fulfil that role! I think compartmentalising friends according to interest or need is fine, though - not everyone you meet needs to be the one to help you bury the body.

Avoid mums, especially ones who work basic part time jobs or are full stay at home parents. They are the worst for basic conversation.

@goawaynottoday
Wow.

Sometimes you expect shocking comments on mumsnet, but seriously? All mums are basic bitches? And you're posting that on mumsnet? 😂

You know that parents sometimes go to those meetups and local classes you suggested, right? Not everyone who ever does anything interesting is childfree?

(I say this as a childfree person myself but I have lots of interesting and engaged parent friends!)

Discussion & Debate groups | Meetup

I don't think clever is necessarily what you need... probably more like people who are engaged and interested in what is going on outside their own direct experiences? I've found my book club to be a good way to meet people with quite broad interests, although I know not all book clubs are like that! Work is my other source of like minded people. I've not yet identified anyone like this amongst the school parents but perhaps i need to put more effort into broadening conversations as you never know till you try!

I totally get what you mean though, it gets you down when the people you see the most have no interest in engaging in discussion about the things you think are important.

I think you mean people you've more in common with, and similar personality type. It can be difficult. I'm pretty unconventional in many ways and find a lot of people quite 'straight laced' and boring. I hope you can find some more of your tribe! But also try and get what you can out of the friendships you have, even if there are aspects of their character you don't easily relate to.

What do you do for work? Many of my newer friends started out as work colleagues or are people I met who do the same job in a different organisation, through a conference or such like. The nature of the job is that it requires a certain minimum level of education and tends to attract similar personality types.

It might be worth a look for a local NWR [National Women's Register] group.
They brand themselves as being for 'lively minded women' and should have some interesting discussions/visits/visiting speakers.

They don't, they say they're going to go and they maybe make it one time at most. (Unless they're divorced, because then they can make it when the kids are off with the other parent).

I have interesting parent friends, but they're interesting because of the activities we do together (rare). They are not interesting conversationalists, which is what the OP is looking for. Even without the kids in tow (good luck finishing a sentence), 99% of the conversations are about the kid's latest poo, the problems the kid is having with their teacher, the problems the kid is having with another kid, their plans for half term, how much laundry they did yesterday, etc. They are not anything interesting about politics, the economy, philosophy, culture, technology, interesting recent discoveries they've read about, watched, been to see, etc.

Thank you for all these ideas and thoughts - I appreciate it

I’ve made some long term friends through playing bridge. Try it, and try to find a club with a younger age range than all retirees. But some seriously intelligent interesting people play, some too competitively for my taste, but I’ve found it fun too. The conversations between genuine rocket scientists are an education…

Why? Getting ideas, is she?

I get you OP, it's about engagement and interest in a variety of topics, not just personal chat. I've found a book group to be a good start (new town). It's good if you find one where they set the reading list out ahead of time so you can tell if they're likely to align with your interests. Conversation digresses to other stuff and is thoughtful and quite profound rather than just chat.

Me too - lost interest in mummy friends as it was always talk about the kids activities/school, holidays and house extensions. None of them read books or went to the theatre or even watch the dramas I like. If they had a girls’ weekend it was about eating/drinking and, as far as I could see, not even a brief meander into the local piazza/duomo/palazzo, let alone into a museum or art gallery. Outside getting shitfaced at parties while their kids terrorised each other, I couldn’t see the point of it.

Have concluded I am clearly a boring nerd as I love all of those things (including a good meal and vat of wine, just to be clear) so I keep hoping I’ll meet one or two ladies who like so-called ‘cultural’ stuff too. Or I’ll have to wait until DH retires and has more time to do it with me (he likes that stuff too, esp classical/chamber music concerts).

yes sure… that’s what i meant 😆

You’ve kind of got to be good at the surface level stuff before you can get deeper. Most people want to be friends with non-intense, non-hard work people. Most people are also capable of interesting, in-depth conversations. You can get into engaging, deep conversations with people but if you go into potential friendships initially looking all high brow then that will be off putting.

I think you mean you want some friends with a higher intellect OP? I know exactly what you mean.

I have different friends for different purposes. My oldest friend is not someone I can have discussions about politics, ethics, or current affairs with- but we gat on well as we have a shared history, we have children the same age and like having a drink and a natter about our kids, our schooldays, our families and we can have a moad obourt our DHs etc.

I have other friends that I have made later in life that share more interests with me- we like the same books, theatre etc. and have similar values. We can chat about current issues like education, our jobs etc.

I also get on well with my colleagues because we have that common understanding (work in education) and they are all intelligent people with a wide variety of interests and backgrounds.

I call it "Like Minded". Similar no nonsense approach, quirky sense of humour and can virtually say anything to about anything. I have only met 3 or 4 my entire life. I have alot of acquaintances and a bare handful of such friends and wish it were easier to find them. People also live such busy lives often if you do find them there is no room for further friendships for them.

@goawaynottoday you certainly sound like you have a very broad knowledge of every type of mother ever…..

I’m a mother of 3 and this week alone I’ve been to the theatre, out for dinner with long-term; genuine, vibrant friends which OP seems to be seeking, written a song, and done a short course :)

Oh and spent a whole day in the recording studio!

I have this problem too. It's not that my friends aren't bright, it's like you say, they're not engaged. They're not interested in current affairs, see any kind of debate as an argument to be avoided.

I'm afraid I find my male friendships are much better for this kind of thing, and I've met most of them through sport. Not all men are good for it, but the friends I can have more highbrow discussion with are men.

This is me too. I read another post on here from someone saying she was looking for friends like this and she added “perhaps slightly neurodivergent”. Another A-ha moment.

It may not be what OP is looking for. It exists for the top 2% scorers on an IQ test, but life experience has taught me that scoring high on an IQ test is not the same as being able to think deeply about any topic, and the desire for serious conversation is not confined to the "top" 2%, so feeling that fellow MENSA members are what you are seeking is narrowing your field unnecessarily.

I would suggest getting involved in groups that are close to your interests might be the best way. A book club might do it, a "knit and natter" group probably wouldn't. Conservation groups, if you're interested in the natural world, tend to attract serious minded people, and a lot of retired people who were national experts in their field. Of course, if you're a 25 year old, spending leisure time with 70 year olds might not appeal!

This is kind of an example. With the types we are looking for you could say this and they would get the nuance within what you meant and wouldn’t find a reason to be offended by it.

I think you need to find some interests that have sociable aspects, wine club type things.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to broaden your friendship groups with more erudite or cultured people.

I can relate to this OP. Friends I have from school are well versed in a variety of subjects and we can deep dive without fear or favour .
Local friends are so shallow , all greetings are babe, lovely , hun loads of hugs and air kissing etc and can only talk about the latest celeb .

@NeverSatisfiedYou I’m sorry to say this but if you give as little in your conversations with potential friends as you have done on this thread, I’m not surprised that the interesting people are not forming lasting friendships with you! It’s a two-way street.

Where in the country do you live? Have you moved to an area that tends to be full of people who have lived there all their lives and not gone to university, or travelled?