AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

Say that, ie you're prepared to match his funds as you said but not ready for that yet so it won't be for this Christmas/birthday? Don't see how she can argue if she's not putting money in. Has this happened before, where it's a present from 'all' of you but actually only you and your husband have paid?

Why would anybody be contemplating a massive gift like a car from all of you if she isn’t contributing anything?! I would whist reply and say that you have agreed with him how you will support him buying a car once he has passed his test and you are planning to get him x for Christmas/birthday. Just shut it down.

Well bearing in mind it's approx a 6 month wait for a practical test 2 month for theory test.
I wouldn't. Wasting money tax and insuring a car. Or if not planning to learn in it , it sitting there doing nothing for months.

Just say no then you and dh make the decision when you're ready. No need to inform the ex if she's not contributing

I wouldn’t bother , if he’s in his last year at school and planning to go away to uni he may well not even need his own car for a few years .

She's being rediculous if she's not even going to pay anything towards it. Your plan of helping him with what he saves is better, and better when he's actually done the test.

If his mum wants credit for the gift - she has to contribute.

As for getting a car - that is a 'treat for passing' - although I would happily add birthday'christmas money to the pot

I think part of the issue here is that the car has become a ‘gift’, rather than actually something DSS buys, with a financial contribution. You need to reframe and have everyone have this mindset - like someone buying a house with a £50k gift as help towards the deposit from parents. The person themselves would still do all the looking for the house, buying, signing etc at a time right for them.

So DSS needs to pass the test, but more importantly from the buying perspective, he needs to have saved up half of the costs of the car in the price range he wants. I’m assuming he hasn’t done so, so this should be a natural stopgap to buying the car until he has. Once he has done so, and passed the test, he (and his parent did he wants help) can look for a car and have the ability to legally test drive it.

He has the money now. Everything seems to have a habit of being rushed into with her without consultation with us. 'I've promised DS he can háve a car for Christmas, but I need you to pay for it'
I've enrolled DS in private school, but can't afford it.
The list goes on.
There are so many variables with the car, costs, responsibilities - to echo what others have said he might go away to uni which would render it an expensive useless luxury.
She basically wants us to transfer 1000's (to match the amount DSS has in savings) to her so they can go shopping, and get a car ready for him to pass his test.
Meaning it could sit on their drive for months. We are completely committed to helping him, but on our terms not hers.
Plus we already have bought him a very expensive birthday gift.

I'm unsure why this is a problem.

It's a hard no.

He has not passed his test yet and there is no point taxing and insuring a car that may not be used for many months.

Aside from the immediate purchase I'm also wondering why you'd buy a car if he is considering Uni? Unless he's going to stay at home and be local the car is not going to used for the majority of the time.

Take away the issue of his mother expecting you to fund this and getting partial glory I am struggling as to why he needs a car at all?

Learning to drive - great and he can use his mums car when it's available.

This idea of kids having their own cars when they can't afford to run them is bonkers and a poor life lesson.

is he doing a manual or automatic license test? Neither my hubby or I have a manual so as our son was doing a manual test bought his car earlier than intended so he could practise on his car and he had a car to use for his test. It’s tricky to get tests and their instructor’s car is not always available for the test time available so my son did his test in his own car.
it’s actually cheaper to insure a learner driver for their own car than it is when they pass their test. My son’s car was register for insurance as him being the main driver when he was still on L plates so I am guessing dss’ mum will get him to practise in his own car.

You either allow her to spend your money or not. For me it would be a 'no', not sure what discussion needs to be had.

Absolutely not.
Once he has a car of his own thats it, he will be zipping about and you have zero say.
I have had two young drivers and we watched them carefully for the first year.
Far too many accidents from young drivers.
Also he could fill that car with friends immediately and that is a huge distraction.
I wouldn't enter into any discussion until after the test, he is finished school, knows where he is going to university and what his situation will be.

It's all theoretical, though. He hasn't passed his test and may well not do so on his first attempt so no point in buying a car yet.

And when his mother chips in towards the cost, she can have some say in it - not before!

No way would I be giving her the money to go shopping with him. I’d tell her you’re happy to match any financial contribution she makes herself.

I went to school and later university with a friend who was gifted a car for her 17th birthday. When I last saw her at 24 (a few years ago) she still hadnt learnt to drive, and it was still parked in her parents driveway. It wasnt your 80s old banger either...

I think you would be an absolute mug to let her take the credit of buying him a car and contributing nothing. And she wants it to be his Christmas present so she probably won't get him anything else, because she so generously bought him a car.

If it takes a few goes for him to pass it’d be sat there rotting a year. Plus no one drives at uni at all.

Wow. Your dss’s mum is very good at spending you and your dh’s money, isn’t she? Why are you even entertaining the idea? Your dss is nearly 18 and she gets zero say on how you spend your finances. Cynical me would wonder if this is actually her panicking because the financial contributions for your dss are running out and she figures she can find a car for less and pocket the rest or pocket all of it.

Is the issue she feels entitled to your dh’s money? And is there a reason for that? I imagine, for example, if you’ve done 50/50 with your dss and your dh hasn’t helped her out financially, this would have been hard on her and would feel wrong. But this doesn’t feel like the case at all as you seem to have pandered to her.

I would get your dh to start grey rocking her. Your dh is instilling work ethic into his ds and until you know he’s passed his test and his plans, there’s no point pushing the lad to buy a car, which will only depreciate. He may in fact prefer to use this money to reduce his loan burden. His money after all.

It really is time to put up boundaries and show your ds how to stand up to his mum’s wants otherwise the repercussions could includ her having too much of a hold over him.

Absolutely don’t not let her take any credit for this car whatever you, unless she has put any money towards it, this isn’t a gift from yourselves & her. It’s a gift from you & DP. What a cheeky cow, & then to ask for him to have it early? Absolutely not. Stick to your guns, you’ve told DSS your plan, he’s old enough to be well aware of the deal you have made. Keep it at that & tell his mum you’re sticking to your original plan.

Have you all considered the cost of insurance once he’s actually passed his test? It’s likely to be the best part of £2k.

No schoolboy should have a car unless they live rurally and there's no other way to get to school. Young male drivers with passengers are dangerous.

Of course YANBU.
She's being quite cheeky too, trying to encourage you to buy while not contributing.

Would his dad actually like to be a part of the car buying process with his son? I wouldn't want to transfer money to the mum. If money needs transferring for anything over basic needs / maintenance surely it would be to him directly at this age? Even if everyone is financially ready to buy now there isn't any point and unnecessary expense may be incurred waiting for him to pass his test. If you and his dad feel pushed into doing it sooner than you thought, it sounds like dad will need to shut it down quickly before she starts taking him to look at cars.

Absolutely fucking not. Why should the mum get all the joy when she’s not paying! Besides, he’s not passed his test yet and if he goes to uni, chances are he will not be allowed one if living in halls.

more importantly, why are you paying so much - what is the dad paying for?

I wouldn't. He's paying half. He has at least 8 months of learning to save up more.

She isn't contributing so doesn't get a say!!!