AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

She has a car

I think she knows if she applies pressure your DH will cave. She ramps up an escalated to get what she wanted like a toddler having a tantrum and he have in. Now the narrative will get look what I got for you rather than look what dad gave you.

Did you return the original birthday gift?

DSC is old enough to communicate with his father without a mediator or advocate. If I was you/ him I wouldn't communicate with EX at all. It serves no purpose. They don't need to engage with each other except for being civil at birthdays, weddings, graduations ect.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo that would make sense why she's desperate. If he does get one he'd best take it with to uni then! I honestly don't think he requires one till he graduates. Unless he funds it himself. His mum seems a bit of a CF though doesn't she?

@BobbyBiscuits
DH has been bullied into moving cash into DSS account. As far as we know, she has a car that works.

@Digitaldedado when you say bullied? What can she do? Surely he just needs to refuse her. He'll give what he chooses to his son. Presuming he does indeed contribute his fair share. It sounds like he more than does.
Does the mum work? Has she a partner? I guess that's not even really relevant.

Why has he been such a push over and allowed himself to get 'bullied'?

Did you even see how much DS had saved in the end? Does DH have any clue whether he has actually purchased a car at all? or what car it is or how much it cost?

DS sounds as bad as his mother and until your husband stands up for himself/for what is right, expect their shitty behaviour towards him to continue.

Not even a thank you, after being handed 5k, is bloody shameful, disgusting.

That’s a sad update. He should have blocked her for a while if he was being bombarded. Your DH is going to have to break this pattern!

Stick to your plan.
He doesn't need a car yet and spending money to maintain it is a waste. He might not need to own one until he is well into, or finished, his university course.

DS is going to learn but with no expectation that he’ll get a car. Just that it’s useful to have a driving licence. I’d wait till it’s actually needed.

Take this as a critical lesson and get your dh into therapy with an experienced and thoughtful therapist used to dealing with issuues of divorce and parenting.

Your poor dh is hurting himself and his son by being run roughshod over. He is not teaching his son how to be responsible and respectful of time, money, and gifts.

But he needs help standing up for himself and his principles.

Your update is frustrating. They are doing this behaviour because it works. They will continue with this behaviour because your husband is letting them.

Agree your step son is old enough now that all arrangements and discussions on money and support should be with him directly. You need to sit down with him and tell him that now he is an adult you will be having adult conversations with him, without his mum being involved. And then stick to whatever agreement you've made with him. Whenever his ex contacts your husband he just needs to say that now your step son is almost an adult, he will discuss (whatever issue) directly with him next time he sees him

It's heartbreaking. DSS has never known his parents together. It's been a hugely combative relationship from day dot. DH had a hard childhood and doesn't want that for DSS.
Unfortunately tho, it's getting to the point that I'm no longer prepared to fund this. It's me that's paying for this. It doesn't impact our here and now .... but impacts our relationship. It becomes less about the cash but more about are we constantly going to fund them both forever.

Make sure you make it absolutely clear that by doing this you have kept your side of the agreement and won't be contributing any more.

Make sure you have a paper trail of the gift. Keep the bank statements safe.

Put it in writing to both DS and his mother than you have given the money for the purpose of buying a car. State the amount and date.

Do everything and anything to give give her no chance of coming back at you with 'but you didn't say what it was for' or worse, trying to deny you ever gave him money.

@Gymnopedie
DH has transferred the money directly to DSS

I understood that. But you still need to protect yourselves. If she can pull this one you don't know what else she might try, or might push the DS into trying.

She has been doing this forever

The car has literally nothing to do with his mum. No way would I be allowing her to go in on the gift without her own contribution.

CF behaviour of the highest order.

I would be angry with DH as well as sad for him. Some of that £5000 comes from your contributions and he is placing placating his ex (of 17 years?) above you.
I am sure the DSS would have learned to cope had he not been given the money.
It sounds like DH needs some counselling to work through why he’s giving in like this. Just because he had a hard childhood it doesn’t mean he can be blackmailed into this kind of behaviour.
The ex knows this and is playing on it.
All you can do is stop contributing to it financially in any way. £5000 is a lot of money to go out of your own family pot when it has not been agreed on in this way.
A young lad will have no idea of how to look after a car.
And what’s next? His 18th and then 21st with even more extravagant requests?

If your DH hasn't learnt his lesson after 17 years then I'm afraid he's never going to Op. If he's too easily blackmailed by his Ex then your going to have to rejig your finances so he doesn't have any access to your money in future, because no matter how much you disagree he's still giving in to his Ex.
It's a shame for your DSS but if he hasn't even send a thank you text for £5000 then I'm afraid he's as entitled as his DM

God in your shoes I would be utterly raging and I'd go to DSS and read the riot act. He has been complicit in bullying his father into transferring money to him for a car he can't even legally drive yet. He hasn't said thank you and a gift had already been bought for him. His behaviour is as bad as his mothers.

I would also make it clear I would not be paying for fuel and insurance under these circumstances. I would suggest that he returns the cash to his father, apologises and suggests returning to the original deal he made. He needs to build a respectful relationship with his father, not a exploitative one. He's almost an adult and there is no excuse for this.

I know the world and its mother on MN will say this is not your business but it is your money, it's the treatment of your husband and by a step child you have presumably also housed and looked after for a long time.

OP, you sound so passive and powerless yet it is your money?

So your husband transferred 5k of your funds to his child?

This woman is so scary and powerful that she can bully you both for years and now this?

It reads as bizarre and incredible.
She must be unbelievable to be able to bully two people she doesn't live with to do this.

I find the idea of a person having such power over another really strange.

I wouldn't do something as ridiculous as this my own children yet you are funding this for a child that isn't even yours?

What is the appeal of this man, his drama and his Ex?

I suggest you cut them full off from the bank of @Digitaldedado

You deserve better.
Surely at some point this type of bullshit drama gets old?

He's done WHAT now?

Was there any proof that DSS actually HAD the other 5K? OR is this a myth his mother has invented?

Jesus H Christ on all the bloody donkeys... yes, shut down the bank of Digital.. no more, this is fucking insane than she can kick off a big paddy, the poor kid is in the middle and your DH just bends to her bloody will, using what is effectively, your money too.

Been thinking of you @Digitaldedado hope you are ok x

Don't give her money whatsoever. It is not your job to fund her promises. Nio that in the bud with her right now.

The OP has a new thread. The money was handed over and no car has been purchased….