AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

@Digitaldedado I would be tempted for both of you to step back and tell dss to put together a plan. Identify the car, secure the insurance quote etc.

That might make the conversation easier because you know he won't be able to present a reasonable solution. And that's fine, we were all young and enthusiastic once.

Sometimes if we say no to the idea we become seen as the issue. Whereas letting him realise it won't work will allow him to have some autonomy and dignity and learn an important lesson.

Three DCs went through university. They didn't need a car or have anywhere to park one. They all got their first car when they finished university. Until then had free use of mine

Do you think she has lent him some money privately so that his bank account looks healthier therefore you will have to give him more money when you match the amount he already has? Sounds like there is something underhand going on.
I would absolutely stick to your guns and let hom wait.
Does he have a test booked? There is around a 6 month wait in some areas.

At his age I don't see why she is part of the conversation.

This is about having a car. If your Mum has to have conversations about it on your behalf you clearly aren't responsible or mature enough.

Tell him you've set boundries, you're not doing it until he's passed and you want proof of his savings and where they came from.

Tell his Mum it's between his Dad and him.

Its just NO
Absolutely bonkers and way too much responsibility for a 17 year old boy.
My older son (age 21) loves cars passed his test at 17 in 9 instructor lessons and lots of lessons with dad. He drove my old car until it was scrapped recently as it was 20 year old
We helped him with a car for his 21st as he now lives/studies/works in North Wales which is remote etc
Its a 9 year old l litre Ford CMAX so cheap to run and repair
After 3 years of no claims the insurance was affordable at around £550 a year. Road Tax is £30 annually
No way would we have insured him when he had just pased his test and let him drive our new car with mates in.
We love him dearly but would not have trusted him not to be silly.
We used a combo of Marmalade (bought mileage) and Veygo (pay as go you) insurance in the years inbetween him passing and having his own car.
This was a much more affordable option and allowed him to build up no claims

Its very tricky with Step children, I see this with my sister and her DSS. Mum has very unreasonable expectations too.
I think we do our kids a real diservice by giving them everything on a plate so young. Nothing to look forward too in the future and ridiculous expectations of the bank of mum and dad.

I’m probably going against the grain here but I helped my DD get a car before she passed her test. She learnt to drive in her car and took her test in her car and it was insured in her name from the very beginning so she got her first years no claims discount on insurance 3 months after she passed her test. Out of her group of 5 friends my daughter and one other had a car before passing and learnt in their own cars and 3 used other cars to learn… the 3 without their own car all had minor accidents in the first 6 months… almost 4 years on and the two with their own car have been accident free (touch wood)

This. I also think that the more willing they are to do this type of legwork, the more realistic and enthusiastic they are about the idea, not just going along with it because that’s the path of least resistance. If DSS gets the insurance quotes for the car he wants he’ll see first hand the situation.

This!! utter madness buying a car in year 13 if they're planning on going away to Uni. Only blue badge drivers can easily get a parking spot on campus plus who wants to be the designated driver at Uni anyway even if they do get a parking space? Just get the train and bus like everybody else. If OP wants him to be debt free after Uni then they should be saving towards that. Think OP is going to be very surprised when they find out how much campus accomodation costs per week at most Unis. Some are astronomical! Sending a kid off to Uni costs an absolute fortune even with all/some student loan. My DD is 20 and working this year as part of her degree course and is catching the bus to her job. She's renting in a city centre so even if she had her own car she wouldn't have anywhere to park it. She's insured on my car and that's fine for now. No doubt once she graduates & gets her 1st proper job she'll choose her own car 🤷‍♀️ I really don't understand this trend (among quite a few of my friends too) to buy a car for their kids' 17th Birthdays. Weird.

@AlertCat and @Marblesbackagain
Couldn't agree more and that's what we are trying to do. But his mum is throwing her weight around and dictating the narrative, so we can tell he feels stuck in the middle because he isn't communicating with us. It's just more sad, draining and ridiculous than anything else. He currently doesn't have the ability to afford to run a car, he needs to pass his test and get a job then we'll 100% help him buy a car.
But it needs to be him doing the research, not mum, dad or I.
Plus he has a fair amount of hours before he can even pass his test. If she wants to buy him a car at 17 (we learn at 16), then she can crack on. But he's had 12 months to learn and honestly from what we've seen he isn't that interested.

I'm not really seeing why you're buying him one to start with? He's old enough to drive so he is obviously working age. Will he not be a bit embarrassed to have his parents buying him a car? Isn't that a fairly major adulthood milestone, buying your first car all by yourself?

He's a grown up. He should be working, saving and buying his own car. If he can't afford to then will he be able to afford to insure and run it?

But I guess teenagers are babied a lot more than we were as it seems to be getting more common.

Our daughter turned 17 this year we got her a car for her birthday. The keys and logbook where in a gift box with fluffy dice and 'L' plates, she ran straight outside and there it was with a massive bow, not unlike a lot of her friends birthdays this year as well. She hasnt passed her test yet but, she has learners insurance and is learning so much by having it DH teaches her all sorts, changing bulbs a few other basic mechanical bits. we also find it a massive motivation and right of passage. She is learning with us driving in her own car as well as doing her lessons.

Maybe start by taking off all the pressure at your house? Can your OH have a word with his ex, she seems to be spoiling what was an exciting and nice plan for her son.

Very judgemental!! My three children (2 sons, 1 daughter) both had access to my car when they passed their tests (we have two cars and my husband worked from home most days so was pretty much always valuable to them. The deal was they could use it unless I needed it.
None of them NEEDED a car, but obviously liked the convenience, the freedom it gave them and they just “wanted” to drive rather than walk. Pretty much like most adults drivers!!
The two eldest have since gone on to buy their own cars - again - they didn’t NEED them at the time, but made getting to and from uni way more convenient than trying on trains.
They have all regularly given lifts to friends / accepted lifts from friends who drive.
To date, none of them have had any accidents or driving convictions.

I think all the comments on this thread about teenagers not needing cars / shouldn’t be allowed cars / won’t be allowed them at uni (yes they will once they move out of halls!!) are all a bit judgemental and irrelevant to the actual post of whether OP should tell DSS mum to get f*ed unless she is actually contributing to said car and that OP should definitely stick to her guns and buy it when she wants to.

But as to teenagers owning cars…if they’ve passed their driving test why shouldn’t they!?

I stand by the fact that the mother is being entirely unreasonable. If she wants her son to have a car, she should bloody buy him one!
But, there is SO MUCH judgement on this thread.
Back in the day, we bought DSD a car, she was a decent kid, had a part time job, worked hard at school and all those good things have translated into good things in her life as an adult. DSD is a genuinely lovely person.
Many years later, DSGD is now turning 17 and we have bought her a car too. She too did well in her exams, she works hard, has a part time job and is an all round decent person. We can afford it (not through inheritance or anything else) so why wouldn’t we help her out?
It is our money, we have earned it and paid masses of tax on it. We can spent it any way we want.
And yes, she knows she is very lucky in a way that a lot of people her age (including nannie and grandad) were not.

Fk letting her take ANY credit for something she didn't contribute to !

In regards to his savings, my daughter is at sixth form and works part time along side. Some months she manages to put away more than others and in 11 months she's saved £3990 all above board

The mother is being totally unreasonable she needs to be told the agreement about buying the car is between yourselves and DSS . Equally DSS needs to be told the same, although he's still technically a child he's being brought a car ,this is a very adult thing to have and therefore in this situation he's being treated as an adult.

Absolutely…
When they’re 17 and super motivated to get driving. My son saved and bought his own car. We would go out practicing almost every evening and was lovely bonding time between us. So I do see that side of it. A bit of forward thinking and preparation for what his insurance would likely be when he passed and more saving needed! 🤪

I don't really know how to articulate this, but DH was getting so much pressure from DSS's mum that he paid 5k into DSS's account.
I feel beyond sad that what should have been the most amazing gift, is layered with sadness. She accused DH of reneging on promises, and letting DSS down.
DSS is yet to thank us for the money and it's been 7 days. He is also too busy to attend DH's lunch which is in the next few weeks. My heart actually breaks for DH.

I think you got yourself an entitled cheeky fucker there !!!

I'm sorry your DH felt pressured into transferring money.
I think he now needs to wake up to the fact his son is very ungrateful and is taking after his mom .
Maybe a step back from financial support.

I am sorry to see this update @Digitaldedado . Your DH should have stuck to his guns. Especially since his son hasn't even said thank you yet. I would be mad too.

That’s truly awful but sadly it will continue if DH keeps giving in.

She sounds horrendous. I've enrolled him in a private school I have no ability or intention to pay for? Fuck me.
I'm with some others in questioning his need for a car. If he can't afford to run it then he shouldn't have one. And surely if he's away at uni he'll be walking from halls to lectures and going out drinking so won't/shouldn't be driving anyway. He will just end up giving lifts to everyone at your expense. And being called a tight git when he tries to get his mates to chip in for petrol.
He can drive his mum's car when he's at home.

Maybe his mum will drive this car? Hence why she’s been pushing for it?