AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

Ahahahaha, no.

She isn't contributing so she doesn't get to say when he can get a car, or take him out car shopping (unless that is what he wants to do of course).

Buying a car now, before he has even booked a test is stupid, unless as someone pointed out above, he needs a manual to practice in as everyone else close to him drives an automatic. I doubt that is the case as you'd have already said so.

Just say no. You have a plan, you can't whip that money out of nowhere right now, if she wants to facilitate buying a car sooner she can do so from her own money.

It may well be worth a discussion with son now about (carefully!) his Mum making promises she's no business making because she's going to continue doing that and it's likely cause much bigger fuck ups as he gets older.

DS passed his test this year.
He had a job through college and someone had to take him to work and pick him up and it was a nightmare sometimes so him having his own car is a godsend. He can go where he wants, when he wants and he can pick me up from nights out without me spending a fortune on taxis 👍🏻
The intention was he was paying for it himself but in the end his Dad and grandparents gifted him some money towards it (about half) because they're soft and he never asks for anything and they also want lifts on nights out 😂
He did pay all of the nearly £3k for his insurance himself though and is saving for his second year of insurance too.

My point is, them having their own car is really worthwhile but I guess it has to be purchased in a way that is agreeable to everyone involved.

What has your DH said on the matter?

Just say no. I personally would want to be putting off a young man driving for as long as possible, unless it's really necessary - it's good to make him work hard for it, he'll appreciate it more and be less likely to piss about.

Who will be paying his insurance?

It's not just buying the car though is it. What about ongoing costs like insurance, tax, fuel and servicing and repairs. Cars are not toys, especially for teenagers. Most young people do not need one or can afford to run one. Does he actually need one to get to work or college? I'm all for learning to drive, it's an important life skill but I am not comfortable with very young drivers having their own cars just for fun.

Does he actually need a car at all? Maybe you are very rural in which case maybe be does but I would hold off even longer than you're planning to and see where he goes to university etc. I was only back a handful of weeks a year because I did various jobs/internships, travelling in the university holidays.

No that's ridiculous sorry. Why has she not been pulled up on this. DS is old enough to know this isn't acceptable. So a quick chat from dad is all that's needed. Sorry lad there's been a misunderstanding, your mum wanted me to buy the car for Christmas and I thought she was paying towards it but it was all a misunderstanding and she isn't.

Your proposal is already generous. Tell the mum no, and if DSS complains (although you haven’t said he would) point out the generosity of your terms and also the long wait until he could drive the car (and obviously getting the newest you can afford is better for the resale value and hopefully for the maintenance costs).

On this note I think DH should set out clearly now what sort of financial help with uni or training he can offer

@Digitaldedado Tell her that if she wants to buy a car you can't stop her. It wasn't the deal you proposed to DSS and you will stick to your deal which has nothing to do with her. She sounds extremely entitled so just be very firm and don't go into discussions. No is a complete answer to cf.

If you can easily afford to buy him a car when he passes his test or contribute to his purchase then I likely would. It sounds like you can so why not?

But I certainly wouldn't be handing over £££ to the XW so she can take the glory for it but then I'm petty.

How did he save up £1000s at his age in such a short time? You say he’s saving from his allowance. Is that from Mum or you and Dad?
Im wondering what DSS perspective is…you’ve said you’ll match what he saves. He’s saved and has been researching cars with Mums help. He’s ready to get one (does he feel it will help to learn in his own car?) but you say no, not now. You might go to uni and it’s not worth it if so. He might feel you’ve gone back on your word after he’s saved so hard. Did you explain any conditions when you made the offer about not getting it till after uni, that you wanted to choose it with him not Mum, that he has to wait a certain amount of time after passing his test etc.

I had a car before I passed my test - insurance on my parents was a lot and they actually just didn’t want me driving them. My car then got passed down my siblings. Well done to DSS for saving money.

If his mum isn’t contributing, I think your husband holds firm and says he’s taking him car shopping once he’s passed his test and she is welcome to join. It’s rather gross to me that someone would ask someone for money then take the entire joy of giving the gift with nothing from themselves.

I wouldn't be handing the money over to her. If my XH choses to do this when our kids are teens I wouldn't expect to play any part in it when I can't afford to contribute anything. Its very unreasonable for her to commit other peoples money to pay for things without their agreement. Definitely no car until he passes anything else is wasting money and he can learn a better lesson about life by waiting until the right time. Then his dad can do it with him unless dad would rather mum sorted finding and buying the car. It's not her money, so its not any of her business when or how it happens.

Obviously YANBU, it'd be ridiculous to buy him a car now,

have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni.

Have you costed up the latter?

Honestly unless there's some particular reason for really needing a car sooner, the best thing is for them to learn to drive when they're 17-18, ideally with loads of practice with a parent too, but then if they're going to uni leave getting a car till after that.

You said "With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas...."

But then you said later he has saved up and has the money - which would not have been an easy thing for him to do. The only 'Suddenly'....is that you made him a promise (in your own words) and now he has the money you are trying to back out of the deal. The whole his mum wants it for christmas / birthday is a red herring as likely she is trying to motivate you to step up and do what you promised him.

Are you not feeling a little bad you mad a promise to him and when you delivered his side you are backing away?

We have 18 year old twins - lots of parents helped their (working par-time kids) buy a car when they were learning to practise on as L platters - insurance for his scenario is much cheaper than when they actually pass their license - as you also said yourself your car is new and powerful and not ideal for him to practise on - much better to practise on the car he is going to be driving. We are a year away from uni - he might not go - he might go to a uni where a car would be helpful.

You are his role model - you knew he was working and saving for this car - now he has to money you are backing out and saying let's wait a year at least and if you go to uni it might not even happen? What message are you sending him about honestly and reliability? Where is your personal respect?

Honestly, its a great way to damage your and your husband's relationship with him. Pushing this onto his mum is a red herrring - you made a promise to this kid you are now not delivering on.

I had a car before I passed my test. It actually really helped. I got so much extra practice and it was good for me to have to drive an unforgiving banger as well as the instructor's new car. I took my test in that car as I was so confident in it.

I don't see the issue with it based on my experiences.

I've promised DS he can háve a car for Christmas, but I need you to pay for it'

Rein her in. That sounds like a "you" problem. You'll just have to explain to DS that you can't afford to gift him a car, WE are not bailing you out AGAIN.

Resume the original plan that you'll help him buy a car as you originally explained.

Stop letting her spend your money. No point complaining about it if you’ve gone along with so many daft demands. Say no now and then keep saying no. She’s taking the piss but you/DH have been letting her. She gets the credit for things she buys. It’s that simple.

Surely you just say that because it's come earlier than anticipated, you're only in a position to match the same amount as she's putting in for now...

I really do not understand the rush to buy any 17-18 year-old a car, especially if they live near decent transport links.

First, we're living in a climate crisis, and the last thing we need is another car on the road. My concern is that if a young person has their own car, it'll become the default travel choice and they'll never go back to more healthy and sustainable travel choices.

Second, around one in five of road traffic incidents where someone is killed or seriously injured involve a young driver (aged 17-24). And young male drivers are 4 times as likely to be killed or seriouly injured than drivers over the age of 24. These seem like pretty huge risks to me.

Third, it's bloody expensive! There's not only the cost of the car, but insurance, VED, maintenace, and petrol. Who's going to be paying for that for the next few years?

By all means learn to drive while you're young, it's a life skill that you may need at some point, but hold off with the car purchase until a car is both required and can be afforded by the main user. In the meantime, get a bike. There's evidence that people who cycle become better and safer drivers, probably due to heightened road safety awareness.

She’s a CF isn’t she? I can imagine on Christmas Day, car wrapped in a bow, all ready to make its debut on social media.
It is a no. You are already being generous enough and who wants a second hand car, even a decent one, sitting on a driveway for months in winter not being used? Not the best investment.
The fact is, the gift isn’t off all of you, it’s off you and your DH. You get to decide how and when you help and you have been quite clear in that.

Just say no. You have brought him his Christmas and birthday presents. Once he passes his test YOU (as in his dad/ you) will take him to buy a vehicle. Realistically, a vehicle for a YP that can't drive is just an unnecessary expense and temptation.

If mum wants to make promises she needs to have the money to follow through. I certainly wouldn't be transferring her money otle letting her take credit if she doesn't want to chip in. Split the cost 3 ways son, mum and dad or but the fuck out.

Indeed. Both my nieces were bought cars when they passed tests in the upper 6th. Neither took their car to university and both travelled there and back either in parent's car or on the train. Absolute waste of money. The older one then went to America for postgraduate- she's still there for a second year!

Be blunt with the mum that as she isn’t contributing she doesn’t get to pressure you or have it be a gift from her. Tell DSS you will only be buying a car after he’s passed his test. End of discussion.