AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

Exactly. The mum is a cunt for even asking

We have no public transport near us so a car was a necessity for ours and they got cars on their 17th birthday. So I don't see anything wrong with it.

She’s not contributing so doesn’t get a say. End of discussion.

It's her son so of course she gets a say. You don't have to do it if you resent the idea, but she's allowed to suggest it. She's also teaching him in her car, whereas you won't let him drive yours,.so probably best he gets his own ASAP.

She doesn’t get a say if she is not contributing. It sounds like she still thinks her ex partners money is hers to spend as she likes .Also the OP said that he is using theirs to practice but he won’t be allowed to use it alone once passed as it’s not suitable .

The first line of the post states he is learning in both cars. He won't be able to drive OPs car when he passes his test which is why OP and his dad were helping him buy his own, when he passes his test.

His mum doesn't get a say, she isn't paying for anything. If she wants a say, she can buy him a car.

a) Nowhere in the OP does it say the DS has been 'researching cars', let alone with 'Mum's help'.

b) the deal was made with DS. It's his responsibility to open his mouth and tell his dad + stepmum that he'd like to buy the car

c) Regardless of other factors, his freeloading mother shouldn't be talking the credit for something she hasn't contributed to. Not paying but wants the gift of a car 'from her'... WTF?

Lol no she doesn’t get to say OP transfers thousands into her account so she can go car shopping with dss. this isn’t her cash, it’s OP and her DP’s. If anyone geta to take him car shopping it’s them.

You've misread the OP. He is learning in both cars. It's only driving it independently (upon passing)that he's banned from.
Which is why OP+ husband offered to contribute towards him buying one of his own.

@Digitaldedado if his mum wants him to have a gift of a car for birthday/Christmas, she pays for it.

His dad is already funding private school that she couldn't afford. Son is old enough to be learning to drive, she can find a better paying job herself now and pay for the car if she wants credit for something.

Hopefully your DH stands up to this, private school might have been beneficial to his son. Making him be responsible and waiting to pass his test before getting his own car and financially contributing (which he is doing) is also a benefit. His mum taking credit for it is not.

It would depend on the test situation.

Round here for example, instructors won't take new drivers on until they've passed their theory test. They then have two or 3 lessons before booking their driving test then plan the lessons needed till then.

My friends daughter was 17 in June. She booked and passed her theory, booked her driving test for December and started lessons in July. She has a car already as that's what she uses to practice in so she's feels confident in it for when she passes her test

If Moms expecting you two to buy the car and her to take some of the credit then she's a cheeky fucker.

Tell her no, you get the car when you decide.

also OP you're extremely generous paying his insurance until the end of uni. It's at least a grand year (if not double) for drivers his age.

Regardless of the deal he needs to think whether using up all his savings on a depreciating asset is a good idea. Many students don't have cars. Unless they're a student athlete it's often of little use, as most student areas are compact.

Cars prices shot up after COVID and never really came down. In 2019 you could get a serviceable one for 3-5K. In 2022, due to a shortage of parts etc it doubled... And stayed.

An old banger is more trouble than it's worth.

The only answer you need to give her is No. No need to concoct a an excuse, just a simple no.

she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us

She what? She wants you to pay for a car that she then says is from her as well? Cheeky cow.

I would just let her know your plans like you have here, and say you don’t want to buy the car for Christmas/ birthday but will go ahead with those plans.

Definitely not a need at the moment, esp as he hasn’t yet passed!

Oh and obviously the car you pay for isn’t from her as well

No. And insurance for new drivers is obscene at the moment. My son passed a few months ago - saved enough to buy his own first car which cost £1400... we paid the insurance £2100 (3rd party). Why on earth would he need a car sitting around he can't drive that you need to pay insurance for that would be just a waste!

It's a no from me Op, why should your DSS and your DH pay 50/50 but she gets to take the credit? I'd suggest your DH goes car shopping with the two of them to make sure his son doesn't try and buy a car that's unsuitable for a new driver and pays his share at the same time.

I took my son out car shopping after he passed his test. There is no point doing it before. I took 5 years to learn to drive. Long story as to why but that's what happened.

You would pay learner insurance until he passes.

She doesn't get a say because she's NOT CONTRIBUTING to the car. She just wants to be cited as a donor without donating. If she wants to get him a car herself she's free to fo so anytime.

I think your approach is completely correct. He hasn't passed his test, hasn't spent a decent period post his test in your cars, which I ndo think he is subconsciously likely to be more mindful of. And he may not need a car shortly.

This isn't a aibu, it is a this isn't the right time.

Why on earth would you be getting him a car if he doesn’t currently need a car? At many universities, he wouldn’t even have anywhere to keep a car. Save the money for when he actually needs one!

Mum of an 18yr old and an about to be 17year old so one done it and one about to. Stick to your original plan OP it sounds perfect to me.

lol. She doesn't get a say if she's not contributing any of her own money.