AIBU to not see the sudden rush to buy DSS a car.

[Digitaldedado]

DSS is learning to drive and has been learning in his mum’s and our car – he has just started lessons with an instructor. Once he has passed his test he will be able to drive his mum’s but not ours (we won’t let him drive it alone, it’s only a couple of months old and far too powerful for a young driver) With that in mind we (his dad and I) have promised to help him buy a car, deal was whatever he saved from his part-time job and our allowance we would match and I have promised to either pay a contribution to his fuel or pay his insurance until he has finished uni. Suddenly DSS mum has asked if we should buy him a car for his birthday / Christmas (she is not offering to help financially – but wants the gift to be from all of us). I honestly don’t see why we should yet, he is in his last year at school, can walk to and from school, he really needs to get his studies into gear and think it will be a distraction going out at night and weekends. More importantly – HE HASN’T PASSED HIS TEST! I get the feeling that his mum wants the big grand gesture of buying him a car but isn’t really thinking it through. Of course we will honour our word, but I think getting the test out of the way is more important. Then we can look for the right car for him and not rush into it at breakneck speed just so he gets a car with a bow on Christmas day. AIBU?

"She basically wants us to transfer 1000's (to match the amount DSS has in savings) to her so they can go shopping, and get a car ready for him to pass his test."

NNNNNNNNNNOPE.

Do not let her take any credit, buy him one whenever you’re ready. I had a car for my 17th birthday, took it to uni with me and was on my 4th car by the time I was 20.

It's a hard no from DH. It just seems so rushed, we think she's over committed to
Something and has no way to fund it. She also wants to send him on a compressed learning course so that he can pass asap - but wants us to fund it, because she doesn't have the time to teach him. To which we are happy to take him for 2 hours every weekend, but that isn't an option......apparently because DSS is too busy with social life and school !

Sounds like those are her problems. DH and you sticking to what you have already agreed with DSS and taking him out for a couple of hours a week is more than fair. If your DSS doesn't want the extra two hours at the weekend then he's not that bothered about passing ASAP. He'll have more respect for an agreement not being changed.

Nope. Not her money, not her choice. When dc has passed his test then it's time to shop for a car but only if he can afford the insurance, tax and petrol each month himself - including while at uni

Where's he planning to go to uni? The chances are he won't be able to take a car with him.

Both of mine passed their test before uni but neither them or their friends took a car because there's nowhere to park them.

Anyway, YANBU. Apart from anything else, his mother doesn't get to dictate how or when you spend your money.

The absolute key thing you have to factor in is the price of insurance that will go up once he has past his test
wait till he’s passed then you can do quotes once he has a full license

Well, we bought a car for my DSD to learn in and drive after passing. But that was from us, and we did it because we wanted to, at a time we could afford it. If her mother had instructed us to buy one at a time convenient for her and then say it’s from all of us? Absolutely not! She sounds…..strange.

You do realise some teenagers work either part time at school and over the holidays. My son had saved thousands from this and selling clothes online. Not enough to quite pay tax but a decent amount running to over 5 figures for uni.

@Digitaldedado it's a definite no from me to his mum. You have his present already and are happy to contribute as agreed when he passes.

Also as a side note - if he is off to uni will he need a car even? Might it just sit on his drive whilst at unj or does she intend to use it (if an upgrade on hers?)

@Brananan I am my son's mother. I demand you get my son a car. Thanks I hadn't realise this was all I needed to do because as his mother I get a say.

A corsa or polo will be fine I can DM the address.

She's standing firm on her stance, her point is we agreed to match his savings of £5K to buy a car and wants DH to go on Sunday to 'facilitate him making the purchase' it's utter madness, insurance alone will be £1-1.5k per year!!!

The weird thing is I actually can't work out how he has been able to save that on his minimum wage job, if he is able to save at that rate then keep going and get a house deposit!!!!

But she can stand as firm as she likes, it's your money.. if you just say no, she can't actually do anything about it

Hahaha an absolute cheeky fucker. She needs to keep out of this if she’s not making any contribution.

Thats not getting credit for the car, not getting the joy of choosing the car, none of that.

what a brass neck honestly!!!! She’s fleecing you both!!

Also please consider she’s going to keep coming to you for any bumps/maintenance/insurance and the like. Insurance is going to be brutal alone.

shes probably pushing for a car of his own so she doesn’t risk hers and losing use of it while he has hers

She can "stand firm" all she likes but she doesn't get to spend your money for you unless you're ready to do so.
Which you're not. Yet.

We always said, when the time comes we (DH and I) will help him buy a car. In other threads we are trying to help DSS get out of uni debt free or save for a house deposit.
We have zero evidence he has the savings of £5k, there is so much of this that isn't right.

Let alone we've already spent nearly £800 on a birthday gift for him.....which is a huge gift in itself.

You and DH need to stand real firm on this, no more discussions. Every single time she brings it up, needing it transferred, needing it on X date, needing DH to go look at a car...the answer is always the same - No.

Nothing else, just no.

If he has saved 5k and you're putting in 5k then I am afraid mum has very little to do with this. She doesn't get to decide anything and she doesn't get to take any credit. If she has promised things she cannot deliver then that is her problem. If she wants him to have a car for Xmas then she can go buy him one instead.

Also - 10k for your first car is a lot, no? Maybe it's just me but considering it might not get used much if he goes to uni/might get trashed and not looked after well would it not make more sense to spend 5k on a car and keep the rest in savings he can carry on adding to for the future? house deposit etc.

Just say no, if she wants him to have a car (probably so she can benefit from lifts) she can pay for it, cheeky mare

The figures being bandied around here are incredible

10k for a car? or is that 5k and then the rest for insurance and fuel/costs etc?

Even 5k for a car for a school child is a lot of money, completely unnecessary, it will be parked up for the majority of the time of his early years as a 'driver'.

He hasnt past the test yet so its not really even a discussion to be had.

Exactly, most 17 year olds start off with an old banger. Not sure why you feel the need to chip in if he has 5k- let him buy his own, he'll feel it's his car then and have more of a sense of pride and ownership. You're teaching him life is easy by getting him everything he wants

She’s got a cheek! She wants to have the fun of car shopping with him on your dime? So she can be associated with the purchase when she’s contributing nothing? No thanks.

Saying that, it wouldn’t necessarily just sit on the drive. I got a car bought for me when I was learning and I had some of my lessons in it and did loads of practicing in it, I even took my test in it. It was really beneficial.

I think some of you may be out of date re. how much second hand cars cost these days! Yes you can get a really crap car for a couple of grand, but you wouldn’t want a brand new driver by the wheel of a dodgy car that breaks down all the time and needs expensive repairs. I was in the market for the cheapest small and reliable car I could find last year, and the types I was looking at (corsa, i10, auris, 5 years old ish) were 8-9k.

I've done the maths and have no idea now he got £5k
The irony is his DM, is congratulating him for working so hard to save ..... when we know he worked part time for under a year. That doesn't equate to £5k unless he is seriously astute at trading or gambling .....

To OP though - YANBU! Your DSS mum is being extremely cheeky and needs to be hear a firm ‘no’.

Has he had money saved by others given to him?

It's madness. £5k is enough to spend on his first car anyway but presumably they want something on the more expensive side.

Can you not just ask DS? Just say you are concerned because you’re worried how he’s come into so much money, can he explain it to you?

I presume the suspicion is that his mum has topped up his savings, to get a bigger contribution from you?