To just not wish to reply when cancelled on?

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

A friend of mine from a previous job (almost 20 years ago) has cancelled on me a number of times this past year. She always has a family drama and cancels. It's always oh my DM needs me to call over, oh my DB needs this, etc. I have always sent a sympathic message but I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

I knew she would cancel our lunch tomorrow and I was correct. I received another family emergency text. I don't mean to sound unreasonable but I don't want to reply again. I think surely you could fit a friend in for an hour to have tea..... I don't wish to sound selfish but I can't be arsed to chase her/sympathise anymore

I think the thing that is really adding ‘insult to injury’ is that you are kind of expected believe and buy into her excuses and message back being all sympathetic to her problems, when you are the one let down.

I don't feel a priority to this person anymore.

Send one more message saying this. And end it with ‘I think it’s best if we part ways’.

It's not ok to waste your time, it can't be a true emergency everytime not one that can't wait a few hours after she's seen you. It's quite sad that people like this try these excuses, when it's so obvious she's double booked herself or prefers meeting them over you.
I had a friend like this and I just never arranged for meet her again.

I'd probably block them because it's a pattern of behaviour rather than a one-off and may be quite revealing as to friend thinks of the OP. So if I decided I didn't want to continue the friendship and felt quite hurt by the way I'd been (repeatedly) treated, then quietly removing them from the socials so I don't have to see their comings and goings seems like the way forward. Blocking simply means they won't be able to send new friend requests.

Fair enough if you think that's an over reaction. YMMV.

I wouldn't reply. Leave her on read. Might make her have a rethink.

If its always cancelling then just leave it no more plans. If emergency or kids sick thats fine

Remove her from your contact list and move on. She isn't worth the arro.

Could it be possible that your friend doesn't want to hang out one-on-one and just kept trying to find excuses hoping you'd just get the hint and move on?

Aye ok then is a pretty good reply and "oh right" or "right oh" would also maybe work. It depends what you'd be comfortable saying which acknowledges the cancellation and leaves it at that. Some people unfortunately drift out our lives. I found this happened during covid with a few people, mostly colleagues I'd worked with for many years and considered friends (and I worked in a key worker industry so there was still contact at work). I was sad but I've since come to the conclusion the friendships had just run their natural course. I don't wish ill on them but, after I experienced ill health, I decided life's too short to flog a dead horse with people who've drifted off out of my life. I wish you well

@pixiedusty She suggests meeting up. I had stopped due to cancellations but then she comes up with the ideas/days to meet.

To update everyone who took time to respond: I didn't reply to her, including not replying to the suggestion of another date

Good for you reflecting on the situation and deciding what was best to do. Maybe archive the person on Whatsapp now? I did this with former colleagues who'd drifted away and then probs around a year later when I was in reorganisation mode I deleted them from my Contacts. You don't have to wait a year if you don't want to

Oh I have a friend who does this every time. I think it’s because she only really likes to go on drunken nights out and usually that’s not what we arrange. The most annoying thing is that I then won’t hear from her for a while until she messages me saying “hello stranger” as if I’M the one who’s flakey!! 😂

@ChipsnGraveee Yeah, she used to mainly just want nights out and heavy drinking. She also loves to gossip and would often criticise her friends about being 'bad friends'. I now wonder was that some form of insecurity

Yeah, this. Let her know next time she tries to make plans that you're not going to, as she always ends up cancelling on you.

Maybe message her in a couple of days with something along the lines of 'Oh, only just seen this, I'd forgotten we were meeting up. Had [random excuse] come up and forgot all about it. See you around.'

And let it go. Unless she can already see you've read it.

But I did like the idea of the poll. That is beautifully passive aggresive. 😁

It's for everyone to decide for themself what to do for the best but personally I wouldn't make a liar of myself by giving a made up "random excuse", saying you've only just seen this or be passive aggressive. It really doesn't help in my experience. What I would say is, if the "friend" is gossiping about others, she is probably gossiping about the OP. I used to have an acquaintance who did that and manipulated people's opinions. Because I am pretty straightforward, it took me a while to understand what she was doing. She is not a part of my life any more and never will be

@GranPepper She certainly used to gossip about me when we were younger, along with every other friend. I do think this has calmed down and I'm pretty boring these days so I'm not much to gossip about!

But I wouldn't be surprised if she's saying 'oh God I have to meet X tomorrow and I don't want to' as I've heard her say that about others

She has a lovely gift of making you feel super important and special when together though and she's very generous. She's charming and that's why her social circle is huge

I'm really glad you haven't responded. You're worth better than the way she is treating you!

Unfortunately, I have a strong feeling that in the next week or two she'll contact you (because she won't like you 'ignoring' her...) Then she'll try and make another date for you to meet, which you will probably say 'OK then' to. (I would do, and have done!)

Then she may turn up, but if she does - she'll cancel on you next time. She is keeping you where you belong (in her eyes.) At her beck and call, and there to see you when she can be arsed.

I know this for a fact because I've got a friend that does this to me!

I've known her for 35 years. We go back a long way ... And just like your friend, she's always got some drama going on. With one of her four children, or one of her 3 siblings, or one of her 10 nieces and nephews, or a problem at work, or with her husband ... ALWAYS something wrong in her life! ALWAYS a drama, and sooo many cancelled meet-ups with me!

I would say she cancels roughly two out of three meetings of ours - and we have to rearrange it again ... Also, I'm always the one to get in touch with her. Because when we leave each other after a coffee or a pub lunch, she always says 'you contact me next, as you know what I'm like.... I am always sooooo busy...' Basically a copout to stop her having to be arsed to contact me.

I got sick of it - so over this past year and a half, I stopped getting in touch first. Actually, I secretly hoped she wouldn't bother contacting me again. But after a few months, she messages and says 'let's meet up!' and we arrange a date, and she often cancels. Then 2-3 weeks later she messages and says 'let's meet, how about next Friday?!'

Every time I try to ghost her, she just gets in touch after one and a half to two months and says 'let's do lunch!' I'm finding it really, really hard to break free! I'm so weak. She brings nothing to my life! I wish I could properly ghost her. Doesn't help that we know a few of the same people. She - and they do live 12-15 miles from me though, so I wouldn't see them often, but I do go to that town 2-3 times a month so may bump into one of them - or her!

I'm sick to death of her . Lets me down every five minutes. Rearranging stuff and cancelling, and her constant life dramas. I just wish I could ghost her completely but I can't seem to do it. It's really hard. You have my sympathy.

Unfortunately I've had this a lot with a friend of mine and in the end I distanced myself as it was becoming upsetting for me. Sometimes friendships fizzle out and you just have to let them go for your own sanity.

Not as good as 'Did ye, aye?' 🤣

Silence is golden.

I have a friend who has now cancelled 3 times over the summer . Her ' tummy ' is the consistent excuse . I have found it hurtful so have backed off and am now trying to forge friendships with other people who are less flaky .

I hadn't realised so many people viewed a thumbs up as passive aggressive. I use it quite a lot and saw it as a positive emoji agreeing with someone. I've never felt people using it in my posts were being nasty. I'd just say " sorry you have another emergency best to leave meeting up until your life is less busy" and not bother with her

Cancelling off on a pre-agreed arrangement is the modern disease, all it takes nowadays is a text or WhatsApp no effort whatsoever. People do it without thinking of the consequences to the other person. It takes the sting out of it, makes it arms length to not have to face calling the person up and giving them yet another lame excuse that you can't take seriously.

once someone has done this a few times, I just wouldn't bother making an arrangement with them, what's the point.