I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

[Sanidi]

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

She's a good person. It's a shame you don't know her better. She sounds like she'd be a good friend x

@Sanidi, I am so sorry about this gutting news, but am not surprised. From what you described, they had begun a romance right in your face. He is an immature, weak guy who became enchanted with their KISA/Damsel dynamic. It’s been simmering for quite a while, and he escalated it by humiliating you in public and joining Clara in bed.

Choices:
(1) Ignore and block him, or

(2) Reply ‘I have no desire to speak or meet. You are not the man I believed you to be, so this is goodbye.’ And then block.

Ah OP sorry this has happened but good that you know where you stand. Looks like he didn't bother to hide it from you or be honest with you and make a clean break. Onwards and upwards.

Thank the friend. She sounds a good lass

With him, I would go quite polite and formal. He hasn't had the respect to end things with you instead of building something with her first so I wouldn't bother picking it over and wasting time. It's bellend behaviour, doesn't matter if he's claiming to have kept his pants on.

'hi Dan, thank you for confirming that something has been going on with you and Clara. It's been becoming quite apparent so I'm thankful to Friend for letting me know. I would prefer if it had come from you though. The details aren't important so there will be no need to discuss further. Take care'

Then take time to work through the previous big breakup and this last hurtful one

I decided to reply saying this

I really do love you so this is hard for me to say but I think we are over. I don't really believe nothing else happened but even if that's true by kissing her and having an emotional affair you've already broke my trust. There is nothing else in this relationship for me as hard is that is to admit. It's Halloween; I'm meeting up with the kids dad to take them trick or treating. I'll get my stuff from yours over the weekend.

He hasn't replied but has read it.

Nailed it OP 👌

Good call OP!!

Now go make that other lady one of your besties!! That's the kind of loyalty you need in your life.

She gave her mate the chance to come clean, he didn't take it and she had the guts to come to you directly!!! Swap the shitty bf for a fab new friend!!!

Well done OP, you deserve so much better.

I think you're in different places in your lives really.

Please don't muck up yours by getting pregnant....

I wouldn't say you loved him, not sure he deserves that! What a D*head
Thank goodness that colleague spotted them and told you, goes to show you trust your hunch about a new young female on the scene, men rarely get that friendly all the time without fancying them.

Very well written. Dignified but open. I think he will realise he's played this badly and possibly grow up a bit. I would say even if he comes back trying to persuade you the other girl means nothing, hold firm. You're at different stages and he's conducted all of this in front of you, bar the kissing.

Good. If he tries to wangle his way back in with you, tell him this very loudly and clearly: F#CK RIGHT OFF..!!!

Op as you know your kids are the most important thing- he’s child free and sounds like he’s living the child free life he would be at your age. You don’t need the drama x

That’s maybe a bit knee jerk …

@Sanidi, that was a good response. I would block him now. I certainly wouldn’t give him the opportunity to put his manipulative spin on his disgusting faithless behavior. He will downplay and claim that he ‘didn’t see it coming’, etc., but of course that is a lie. As his friend stated, she saw it brewing ages ago and you’ve seen it with your own eyes: he’s been investing in their emotional affair. They were acting like a couple even before she ditched her Ex.

I know this is a shattering blow, but you will go from strength to strength. This weak-boundaried man would have dragged you way down and been a misery.

Good for you - strong answer

now don't allow him any airtime at all in future, get your stuff at the weekend and block.

you re worth more than this.

I know this might not land well right now, but i mean it with all the love in the world. When I was dating, i met a guy, the first guy i had a long term relationship with after my DC dd. we were together a year and then he just showed me that i was not that important to him and that our relationship was convenient. Seriously, he actually said that. out loud. i was crushed.

We went for our anniversary dinner, but i ended it that night saying that i wanted to be more than a convenience. I was so disappointed and hurt.

HOWEVER, i took a new approach in dating and it really served me well. i dated a few people and took the approach that I would barely even consider the relationship a 'thing' until 6 months, and even then, only something lightweight and ready. I don't date around, this is exclusive but in my head he was free to walk away, or I was free to end it if it wasn't working. it meant that I didn't take myself or the relationship too seriously. I was able to be relaxed, be myself and just enjoy each date for what it was. no future faking myself, no allowing my head to run away with things. Then i met someone amazing, was light and breezy for the 6m, and all good.

I decided that when we made it past a year, then it was time for me to take stock and consider if the relationship passed the probation.

He passed. We passed. We just celebrated 8 years.

You are worth so much more than someone who just wanders off with someone or worse puts your friends in the position that they have to tell you that they have seen him snogging someone else.

That person who sent you that message did you a favour.

She's 20 and just broken up with her long-term boyfriend?

Perhaps her boyfriend didn't much like her spending so much time with someone else either.

Sorry to read your update. Your gut instinct was right - us women always know, sometimes we lie to ourselves, but deep down we always know, we just do.

At least you've found out the truth for definite. The message you sent was perfect. Not overly emotional but matter of fact.

Time to let them get on with it- it sounds like he's been infatuated with her for a long time and was only one foot in your relationship anyway, and time for you to focus on you, and your dc of course.

Also that Clara sounds annoying and manipulative af with her damsel in distress routine.

Oh sorry was reading in sequence! Not knee-jerk at all!! Yes block him.

Well done OP. I'm usually far more on the side of try & work it out. I take no pleasure in saying this time given your posts I don't think there is any future in this relationship. If I & others here are wrong that's yet to be proven. We can only interpret this situation by what you've posted. Wishing you all the best.

I was thinking that. Laying it on thick.

Also his measured “ talk about where we go from here” this message sounds like the “ talk” was a dump to me. I expect he’s been keen on her a while and her break-up was his moment.

Glad you moved first.

Sorry slightly off topic… but I’d be put off by a guy talking like a teddy bear!
follow your gut…x

Yes she’s first class friend material.