I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

[Sanidi]

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

Oh OP you must be so upset. Better to know the truth though

She's a good person.

Hey listen - what you can count on is your internal red flag warning system. You saw it coming. Not everyone has that - that built in spider sensor! You do.

What you do now is - block him. You cry. You get a take-away, you call some friends, you eat sweet things, you cry some more. You get angry and you rant here or to friends.

You allow your heart to hurt while recognising that he wasn't the one for you.

Then in a few days - when you're sick from chocolate and your eyes sting from tears.... and you recognise that spending your days crying over a silly guy isn't doing anyone any good - you rise - and you go back to living your best life.

So sorry to read this OP. Your intuition was right. I'm sure this hurts, but better know this now, than years down the line. Totally poor behaviour in his part, he's definitely not a catch. Salute the sender of that message, she has your best interests at heart.
Do the necessary, collect your stuff if he has any, and let him know he falls way short of your expectations as a boyfriend or a friend.

You should definitely listen to your gut feelings. You know already the signs so I would end it with him before he ends it with you. He is not being respectful to you at all. Leave with your dignity intact.

OP I'm so sorry but I'm going to say this, I have been in a similar situation. I was a lone parent of a young baby and thought I should be dating etc.

I was wrong, it just opens you up to more hurt when you are already in a vulnerable situation.

Priorities are, you, your DC, your relationships with good friends and family and work. Focus on these things, ditch the dating. The more independent and confident you feel in your own company the better your boundaries will be.

What an absolute arsehole he is playing you off against this other woman.

I'm so sorry OP, but at least you know now

Isn’t it crazy how as women we have such strong intuitions that something is wrong. I was dating someone and all was fine and dandy and one morning I woke up and this strange doom feeling washed over me and I thought “he’s met someone else” and I was right. Something similar happened with the next person also - just a gut feeling that something was going on. I was devastated and feel the strong intuitions are a blessing and a curse, however the bright side is that I always clock on early enough meaning I don’t spend months or years oblivious to being taken for a ride and neither have you.

Who knows how long he would’ve continued before telling you, or if he ever would’ve told you. What a knob. Sorry OP as it’s a feeling I know well and it’s just the most gutting stomach sinking feeling, but please remember that it does get better even though it doesn’t feel like it in the moment You will meet someone better and often if you get with someone who’s cheating on their partner, that’s also how you lose them so I wouldn’t count on him being faithful to this one either… good luck to her, sounds like she’s got herself a right prize 🤷‍♀️

Lots of fairly judgemental comments about 'focussing on the kids' for a while, as if dating means you can't do that. Clearly you're prioritising your kids, which is why you've got a one year rule before your partner is allowed to meet them. I do agree that if he hasn't prioritised your discomfort about this other woman, that probably tells you everything you need to know, and I think it sounds like this has run its course. But there's nothing wrong with enjoying dating and meeting people in your child free time and it certainly doesn't mean you're not prioritising your kids.

I'm so sorry OP 😔 what a shit he is. You were right to trust your gut instinct. Thank goodness that friend decided to tell you, she is a good friend ❤️ it's horrible now but you are going to be ok and are honestly better off without a man who would treat you like this. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Well done to the person who messaged you. Its clearly factual and supportive in nature.
He is an immature idiot I am afraid.
You have clearly placed your trust in someone and it’s going to hurt.
But you are worth so much more.
Surround yourself with people who really care about you.

I think your head knows how to proceed exactly!
I would bet my house that they didn't just sleep after they went back to hers (not that it matters, message tells you they looked "cosy" and were seen kissing.
Thank the lady that messaged you and get rid of your lying grubby boyfriend.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly. Well done for trusting your instincts. Keep your chin up- I'm sure in time you are going to meet someone perfect for you and who is a million times better. Don't dwell on him too much- he's definitely not worth it. (Although do call him every bad name you can think of as part of the healing process)

I agree.

So sorry it turned out like this and kudos to that woman for speaking up!

Glad she didn't post on here asking for advice as she'd have been told to keep her nose out...

This is why we should tell.

Onwards and upwards, OP. It will get better

As I wouldn’t go down quietly and kindly end it for him, I’d want to mess with his head a bit first! I’d not do him the “favour” of ending it as he would be getting off far too lightly. I’d want to watch him squirm and feel really fucking uncomfortable. In fact I’d probably invite him over and have candles and wine and make it all romantic and then I’d say some bullshit like I’d arranged childcare for a week and had booked a lovely holiday just the two of us. All paid for by me. Very expensive. Childcare arranged at great difficulty. Etc etc. I’d want him to feel absolutely awful. Watch him squirm with guilt as he breaks the news. I’d make it as hard as possible. But that’s because I am an asshole.

Also worth remembering is that you will never have to listen to him impersonating a teddy bear in a cutesy voice. Which surely is reason to celebrate!!!

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be flippant. I know you’re hurting. You deserve better than this plonker. Even his friend can see that. (She sounds great by the way!) He obviously wasn’t the right one for you. Never was.

And the words “this too shall pass” is always worth remembering in times like this.

So I sent him a text with a screenshot of the message I got.
His reply was
Firstly, im sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. Second she is right Clara and I did kiss when we were out at Soho residence on Saturday. I did go back to hers but I swear nothing else happened. We did sleep in the same bed but we were both fully dressed. You can ask Clara yourself.
Should we meet up tonight or tomorrow and talk about what we do now?

I haven't replied I don't even know how to. I'm devastated my heart is aching.

So he thinks he gets to decide “what we do now”? FFS

I don’t understand why he wants you to speak with the OW…she will have been given the specific story to give you.

You know exactly what’s going on here, even if the evening didn’t “technically” end in intercourse.

Just block him. There’s nothing to say really. He’s a piece of shit.

He’s a liar and he has Clara lying for him.
Please just block him and move on.
You are worth so much more.

As another pp said, too much drama for a nine month relationship.

Thankfully there are no children to tie you together I’d honestly just call it a day before things get complicated.

I’m really sorry this has happened (sorry I didn’t read the update as was doing other stuff). Best to just move on but it must hurt.

Oh, OP. I know.

The block suggestion is good but not everyone feels comfortable with that.

I think I'd be inclined to say there's nothing to talk about because it's over.

Sleeping in the same bed but fully clothed so nothing happened? Fucksake. Who does he think he is?

Have you replied to the woman who contacted you? Do you know her well? Is she a friend?

I replied thanking her for letting me know.
She used to work with (well now ex) bf, her partner still does and they are all friends.
I don't know her that well we've met a few times that's about it.

What to do now?! Well you piss off and be the rebound bloke for clara.

This has happened so many times it’s a cliche.

There’s no next step that puts you in a confident & comfortable position.

C-word, will always be there with a problem (until she meets someone and prefers to yours)
No taxi, wallet stolen, date gone wrong, someone making her unhappy, I think my drink was spiked, I’ve never been so ill before can you bring me soup, someone’s following me, I’m so frightened etc etc - she will always turn to your BF for comfort for every little thing.
He would never be that for you because you would never be so needy and weak. But really, she is in power position.

BF-doesn’t want to feel like an a-hole, which is why he is denying til you break up with him.

Personally, talking to C-word … never give her the satisfaction. No doubt she will include this in her “truth” retelling her friends she is such a good person, that she re-assured you but you still didn’t trust him….
She will make it all about her being good and honest, and you not trusting the great man.

I would send a text saying I wish you all the best, don't contact me again. Don't waste anymore time on him x