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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

227 replies

Sanidi · 31/10/2024 06:01

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 31/10/2024 07:08

A man who is triangulating like that isn’t a good guy; at best, he’s an insensitive clod- and it gets worse from there.
cultivate indifference. Dump him, and don’t look back.

liverpudcounsel · 31/10/2024 07:10

She may be lonely now and not actually want him, but he does seem more than interested in her.
Let him go. You will meet someone who will prioritise you someday.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 31/10/2024 07:22

He's interested in her and she loves the attention is my guess.

How do you know that her and her bf didn't break up because of something he's noticed about her behaviour with/around your bf...

DH has female friends at work - mostly female actually because the majority of his team are female, but no, he doesn't regularly FaceTime them while I'm sat like a lemon waiting for him, make silly voices of any teddy bears they have or go out to save the day when they can't get a taxi. They're just normal friendships with colleagues.

Time for a conversation with him but I suspect it'll end up being that he uses your "attitude" about his friendship with her as the reason to break up and in a week you'll have "pushed him towards her" and he didn't see it coming!!!

If hes not treating you how you'd like, walk away.

Sheeparelooseagain · 31/10/2024 07:23

Yes I think he is into her and in your position I would walk away now.

nohopepoke · 31/10/2024 07:29

Whether or not he has feelings for her - the relationship isn't working because you don't feel secure.

You either exit now with dignity intact, or you have a very brutal conversation about your boundaries with other women- but accept that it might not go the way you want it too.

I respect your 'no partners meeting kids before you've been together a year' rule. But I get the impression that maybe you need a bit more time before you get into another relationship.

All the best

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 31/10/2024 07:32

Ffs focus on your poor children!

AndThereSheGoes · 31/10/2024 07:37

Shunup · 31/10/2024 06:57

100% agree. I don’t think you can or should try to compete with this woman. You absolutely need to focus on your children right now, not exposing yourself to heartbreak.

Show quote history

Yep.

Don't think about how great he is or what you could have together. That's about him and what he brings and you'll always be beholden.

Focus on making yourself and your life the best it can be without a relationship. That's a win win even if you never meet " the one".

Thursdaygirl · 31/10/2024 07:40

Time for a conversation with him but I suspect it'll end up being that he uses your "attitude" about his friendship with her as the reason to break up and in a week you'll have "pushed him towards her" and he didn't see it coming!!!

This is so true (sadly)!

When my ex-DH’s affair came to light, he tried to blame me because ‘I never allowed him much freedom with other women’!!!

GiraffeTree · 31/10/2024 07:40

It does sound like they like each other. Sorry OP, but now she's broken up with her boyfriend I wouldn't be surprised if they get together. It's good that you didn't introduce him to your kids.

Babyboomer60 · 31/10/2024 07:43

Your children are still so little. End the relationship and focus on your children who need you.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2024 07:44

This situation wouldn't sit well with me tbh.

Is your relationship likely to last? He's a similar age to you. Does he really want to be a stepdad to young kids with your ex always being in your life.

Some men don't take relationships with single mums seriously, as they have no plans of it being long term or forever.

Maybe he doesn't see this relationship as serious, so he's not that bothered about how you feel.

I think the facetiming with her while you're there is disrespectful too. She encroaches on your time with him and he lets that happen.

I suggest you don't invest to much emotion and enjoy it while it lasts, which I know is easier said than done or if you find it too difficult consider ending things.

Leeds157 · 31/10/2024 07:44

Repeatedly swanning off to be her hero, or shoulder to cry on every time she has an inconvenience will be a nightmare to put up with, even if he isn't falling for her or aware of it, you should talk to him about this if it bothers you and you see a future with him

GivingitToGod · 31/10/2024 07:45

Yes, there is something more than friendship here. You are in love with him but vulnerable as you are so soon out of a relationship with very young children .
All too soon and you need time on your own to love yourself. Take care

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 07:45

I think you are going to feel so much regret for wasting this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms.

You have just one shot with motherhood, then it’s over and you have a life time to consider whether you were a positive and productive role model for them….they literally become the living embodiment of your failures and weaknesses op.

Focus entirely on your children for a few years, get some therapy.

Hypermedi · 31/10/2024 07:47

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 07:45

I think you are going to feel so much regret for wasting this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms.

You have just one shot with motherhood, then it’s over and you have a life time to consider whether you were a positive and productive role model for them….they literally become the living embodiment of your failures and weaknesses op.

Focus entirely on your children for a few years, get some therapy.

Edited

Agreed

Lillers · 31/10/2024 07:50

usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.

He didn’t FaceTime with you because he had plans, but when his plans are with you he will FaceTime her. That alone is enough to show what his priorities are.

Sorry OP - whether he has feelings for this girl is almost irrelevant. What seems to be apparent from your post is that you each see your relationship differently. So either communicate with each other and get on the same page, or recognise that this isn’t working and step away. If your relationship makes you feel negative emotions (insecurity, jealousy, anxiety etc) then it isn’t enhancing your life and it’s time to focus on something more important.

Pinkpurpletulips · 31/10/2024 07:54

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms" is just nasty. OP has done nothing wrong other than finding herself dating a man with a wandering eye who doesn't have the guts to break up with her for his special "friend". She was going out with somebody age appropriate and it's just sad that things aren't working out. OP is young and I can't see why she can't have a relationship as well as this "precious time". There was no suggestion that she was even seeing this man when she had her children with her. What is OP meant to do when her children are with her ex - take up embroidery?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 31/10/2024 07:56

Sorry you’re so sad.
Listen to your gut.
Finish it with him for the reasons you’e stated. Keep some dignity & don’t get pregnant.
Take care - you’ll be ok. You’re still so young. X

GiraffeTree · 31/10/2024 08:05

Pinkpurpletulips · 31/10/2024 07:54

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms" is just nasty. OP has done nothing wrong other than finding herself dating a man with a wandering eye who doesn't have the guts to break up with her for his special "friend". She was going out with somebody age appropriate and it's just sad that things aren't working out. OP is young and I can't see why she can't have a relationship as well as this "precious time". There was no suggestion that she was even seeing this man when she had her children with her. What is OP meant to do when her children are with her ex - take up embroidery?

I agree with this.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 31/10/2024 08:08

I wish it was more usual for couples to be able to say things like Sorry but I think I’m falling for N, and talk about whether to split up or how to save the existing relationship. It’s awful to be assured there’s no threat when you can see there is. Good luck OP whatever you decide.

Ablondiebutagoody · 31/10/2024 08:08

Oh God, walk away. The Teddy bear thing alone makes me want to vommit

Edingril · 31/10/2024 08:09

Pinkpurpletulips · 31/10/2024 07:54

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms" is just nasty. OP has done nothing wrong other than finding herself dating a man with a wandering eye who doesn't have the guts to break up with her for his special "friend". She was going out with somebody age appropriate and it's just sad that things aren't working out. OP is young and I can't see why she can't have a relationship as well as this "precious time". There was no suggestion that she was even seeing this man when she had her children with her. What is OP meant to do when her children are with her ex - take up embroidery?

There is maturity a couple need to have in a relationship to make it work, even one of the couple being mature may help

Didimum · 31/10/2024 08:10

I don’t think I’d even have a conversation with him about it if I’m honest. Do you really want to be with someone who needs this pointing out to him?

As a grown adult with two kids, I don’t think you should have the time of day for shitty men like this. Reserve yourself for the ones who who instinctively what’s inappropriate in a relationship. This man is not it.

FfsBrian · 31/10/2024 08:13

Trust your instincts - you know what’s going on.

PattiSmithsPattis · 31/10/2024 08:15

In your shoes I would spend more time with my friends without him.
He doesn't sound like he's ready for the commitment you are looking for.

Being single is very liberating. 🌸