I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

[Sanidi]

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

This.

No one is saying she shouldn't have a relationship or pursue one but it doesn't really sound as though this man is worth her time or emotional energy, does it?

People are suggesting she focus on her children and herself in preference to this man. Not that she should become a nun.

I'm sure many of us have wasted time agonising over the behaviour of some man and what it means. Has that man ever turned out to be a good bet? No.

What is a good bet though is getting rid of the deadwood who makes you feel a bit shit and developing your own life so that you're in a stronger position so that the next time you encounter a crap man, you value yourself enough to not even consider him.

And that's how you find one of the good ones 👍🏻 and you've saved yourself a lot of tears and heartache in the process.

I haven't read replies this time so as not to be influenced by other opinions. I feel sorry you have fallen for a guy who behaves like this. I know there are people who advocate for having close 'friends' of the opposite sex. They often spend time together on their own, texting each other with news or turning to each other when in trouble. This behaviour in a relationship is what I view as an open relationship where the extent of the relationship may not be physical although it definitely crosses emotional boundaries. An emotional affair can be even more hurtful to the partner who objects to it than a one off sexual encounter.

I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour for a second,especially in marriage if this is your long term plan. It's time to take him aside & explain your feelings letting him know you are not the jealous type but his close 'friendship' with this woman is crossing acceptable boundaries & making you feel uncomfotable & disrespected. If he is serious & wants to continue with you he will begin to take steps to distance himself from this 'other woman'
I hope it works out for you OP. If he refuses to accept your feelings I would end it & find someone else who was more respectful of boundaries within a relationship.

This relationship is on a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

A few things: Firstly he sounds naive and easily manipulated. I give this girl 10/10 for effort (getting him to leave his girlfriends bed to walk 25mins to pick her up is hugely impressive, let's face it, although I wouldn't begrudge a boyfriend ensuring any woman's safety, you have to admit it is brass neck indeed, she has skills) and him 4/10 for honesty.

He is so into her.

Secondly: I think you're going about things wrong. You are in your twenties (I was a SP in my 20s also, so I get it!) and you still have a 20's mindset regarding just existing and then dating. In my opinion, motherhood doesn't exert the same force it does in your 20's as it does when you have children when older (and I actually think that's better for society in the long run, but that's a whole other thread) You can more easily place your kids in a space. Particularly as a SP I remember being able to switch so easily into 'young and carefree' mode the second my kids were gone, even when I missed them. And I didn't even have a 50/50 more like 80/20

50/50 means you can more easily project a life (through no real intention of your own) that appears free of the real realities of having young children and that in turn means you can attract men who are not the type of men who could make long-term, secure, responsible, load-sharing partners. Most guys who are into the things that come with women with kids (you presumably have sorted long term fixed housing, have a sense of responsibility, ensure house is stocked with food etc) are never seeing the kids and with so much 'no kids' time, it makes it easier for you to bob along spending two years or so together, effectively behaving as a singleton with no responsibilities, investing time and emotional energy until that crux time, when the children become more of a reality and the man then bails for someone younger/someone child-free.

You need to really think about what you and your children really need in a long-term partner. I think it's going to be harder to find that with a young man particularly in the same age range as you. Not impossible, but harder. You definitely need to be very much more upfront. Investing in micro relationships take precious time and headspace and leaves you feeling emotionally vulnerable.

But yeah kick this one to the curb. He's not respecting you. It doesn't matter if he's doing it unintentionally or otherwise. Don't give him the opportunity to dump you a few months from now. Do it first. Don't allow men to F with your head. These men do not understand the sacredness of the mother arrangement and will bring dysfunction into your nice little family by not taking things seriously and making you an emotional wreck. Dump.

Summarised perfectly.

Op deserves to have this time for herself. I wish her the best and hope a wonderful relationship happens for her later on when she is ready.

Sorry OP as others have said he will choose her over you. I think you should just end things with him in a dignified way. Then focus on your children for a while as they are so very young.

@RedRumRed

"While I do think people can have friends of the opposite sex, it's rare for there to be zero sexual interest at all, usually one half of the 'friendship' is interested."

Oh boy do I agree with this. It's as rare as hen's teeth for one half to not want something more. It's usually the bloke that would jump on it given any encouragement/opportunity. Obviously they don't necessarily act on those feelings but I think women kid themselves sometimes about their male friends' purely platonic thoughts.

Great advice especially the 'don't get pregnant' bit!

He said they're "just friends" because the 'until she's single' is unspoken.

Sorry. This is how it works.

You could point out that his friend has a new status.
She is now not only available but very needy.
Point out that you feel rightly threatened and second best when he chooses her to hang out with her when she calls for him to be her knight in shining armour.

Challenge him to leave her to settle as a single person or to rely more on her girlfriends, family or unattached men friends.

Him flitting about when ever she bats her eyelids is not sustainable for you. Also, your bf should not have any problem with you accompanying him on outings with his friend.
And you should be able to request minimal outings with others rather than just yourselves.
You can't change how another feels, however, so you are best to know how he honestly feels so you have a choice about investing any more of your years into this relationship.

I wouldn't have been there when he got back from collecting her in the middle of the night.

He's taking you for a MUG.

Of course he's in to her and is keeping her sweet on the side, should things not work out with you. Or he's just having his cake and eating it. All whilst you sit there compliant with it. He's already got away with far too much.

Get rid of him or set a firm boundary of your uncomfortable with how his friendship with her is going, and want it nipping in the bud or you're out.
I can't see it happening though, already sounds like he's too involved with her to suddenly make their "friendship" fizzle out

The damsel in distress, crying and she needs him. They’ll both pretend just friends for a few more days …
In my experience …. Men often fall for the girl who calls for help … must be an evolutionary thing.

You're 27yrs old and single. You seem like you have an excellent set up with your ex - all those free nights should be having fun - not squirming over some guy who may or may not fancy someone else.

You don't live together, you don't have kids together, you aren't married, in the grand scheme of things he's been in your life a blink. He doesn't really owe you anything and you don't really owe him anything.

All that is at stake is hurt feelings. Better to know now though right? Before it gets any deeper before commitments are made and kids are introduced.

And with that - well done for the no introduction to kids rule! That was really sensible because you now see first hand why that's so important. You sound like you have your head screwed on.

If I was you, I'd just back off from him. Start spending time with some of your friends. Get out a bit. Try a new hobby. Join a group etc etc.

If he does go for the other girl, there isn't anything you can do and he's not even really an arsehole for it, it's what happens in your 20s when you're looking for someone to share your life with - unless he starts to string you along - then you can't really be too angry with a guy in a low commitment relationship having his head turned. It sucks but it's also just life. I'd just start distancing a bit now - he's showing you those red flags that his head is turning. My only words of wisdom are: Brace for impact

You're seeing the signs, there's a tonne of stuff you can do to lessen the blow if he decides he's sorry but he does want pursue things with this other girl.

Like i say - it sucks and its 100% ok to be upset. It will hurt a while but like with any relationship in this scenario, you will move on.

May I recommend Amy Winehouse's - Tears dry on their own song. The line 'i dont understand why i stress then man, when there are bigger things at hand' and 'I should be my own best friend not eff myself in the head with stupid men'. It was my soundtrack of my 20s break-ups and the lyrics sprung to mind when i read your post.

You'll be fine - you're so young. I so wish, so so wish - I could go back to mid-20s me and slap her in the face for the amount of time I spent hung up on heartache. The things I could have and would have done if only I'd realised.

OP, I’m the same age as you and a single mum with 2 young dc. Unfortunately it’s more likely a man will choose a 20 year old with no children and plenty of free time compared to a woman with childcare responsibilities and restricted free time.
It’s shite but it is what it is. Having been cheated on in my last relationship with an older child free woman, personally I think I’ll only date single dads from now on who understand my limited free time and responsibilities. I’ve decided to not date until my kids are older.

He’s taking you for a mug, you deserve much better! I would bin him off and let him crawl over to her. It probably won’t last. Also get an STI test incase he has been sleeping with her behind your back.

I don't understand the posters telling OP to focus on her children. She only sees her bf when her children are at their dad's. Adults have needs and it's not fair for her to be in some kind of lonely, romance-free, sex-free purgatory during some of her best years, just because she has kids. She keeps the dating away from the children, so I don't see the issue. She deserves a life too.

Agreed. The teddy bear part was so cringey. I wouldn't be able to look past it.

Does your boyfriend have children himself.

This makes a difference, he would be better suited for this single woman without children if not.

He clearly likes this woman so I would gracefully end it.

Wouldn’t the teddy bear talk put you off him anyway?

Ah, hadn’t RTFT and have just seen PPs’ comments re the teddy bear

This sounds right. I’m sorry OP but I think you’d be best off getting out of this with your dignity intact. Sorry I know it will hurt but this guy doesn’t sound right for you anyway, he’s been a bit disrespectful I think.

Not unreasonable - sounds far beyond the norms of a male/female relationship. Leave but prepare yourself for the possibility that they may then end up together. However please remember that although that would be painful, this is still preferable to either being cheated on with her or left for her - especially if that happens later down the line once the kids have been introduced.

Also well done for not introducing the kids early on - situations like this are exactly why that is best as you give yourself time to gage true intentions/long term compatibility especially when the children are below secondary age and have limited understanding of adult relationships.

I wouldn’t do the pick me routine. I’d go quiet and see if he notices. Yes he is being weird with the friend. But getting into a relationship with someone who has just been heartbroken probably isn’t wise either.

Excellent advice.

If you do somehow manage to go back in time can you also find the 20s me and give her a slap too. She really needs it. Thanks!

Well thank you everyone. Seems some what pointless after I received a message this morning from one of his other friends (ex colleague as she left). Reading

Hey girlie, been holding off sending this in the hope Dan came to his senses and told you himself but I got told this morning that he didn't tell you last night so I'm going to.
When we all went out on Saturday Dan and Clara were caught being quite cosy. Then later spotted kissing. They were the last 2 out and he told Abby that he'd gone back to hers but "nothing happened we just fell asleep".
I really hate being the one breaking this to you but you deserve so much better than that. Personally I feel like it's been brewing since I still worked with them but Clara leaving her ex was a catalyst so please try remember that this isn't an indication of your value but of their shitty priorities and disrespectful attitude. Keep your head up girlie, I'm here if you need me you really deserve so much better!

So I guess that answers all my questions.
I'm so devastated, I don't really know how to proceed from here.

Text him now and tell him he's a piece of shit and not to contact you again.

Then block.

Call any and all your girlfriends for a get together so you can lean on them.

So sorry OP☹️

Ok but I guess you ought to confirm that this is indeed what has happened first.

Then once confirmed proceed as I said.