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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

227 replies

Sanidi · 31/10/2024 06:01

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 31/10/2024 06:03

Sorry I’m confused are we talking about your ex or current boyfriend? I first read it as your ex but now think it’s your boyfriend?

Either way you need to talk to him, explain you feel threatened and what you would like him to do. Your boy friend is allowed friends though…

Original poster
Sanidi · 31/10/2024 06:04

Dontsparethehorses · 31/10/2024 06:03

Sorry I’m confused are we talking about your ex or current boyfriend? I first read it as your ex but now think it’s your boyfriend?

Either way you need to talk to him, explain you feel threatened and what you would like him to do. Your boy friend is allowed friends though…

Edited

What do you mean? He isn't my ex? This is a new guy not my ex I have nothing to do with my ex now?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/10/2024 06:05

He's not her ex yet but he should be - he's clearly prioritising this other woman ahead of your feelings. Don't put up with it

Sheneversaidthat · 31/10/2024 06:05

It would seem, from what you have described, that he’s in love with someone else. I would exit stage left with dignity still intact

Dontsparethehorses · 31/10/2024 06:07

Sorry as soon as I posted I reread it and realised I misunderstood.

Tiedyesquad · 31/10/2024 06:11

I think the problem is that you are just out of a "forever" relationship, you are sad and vulnerable from that, and you're dating to find someone you love. You were in a different head space only two years ago, presumably you felt your ex and you would be a family forever. So now, you can't go back to happy go lucky dating. It's natural to want someone with security as well as excitement.

But if you were single with no kids, even age 27 you are pretty young, you'd be much more chill about a 9 month relationship just petering out or one of you moving on, or finding someone else. That does, after all, happen in most relationships. Most people split up after a while.

The feeling of intense love and fear of abandonment could partly be because you need the partner to balance other aspects of life which are hard work and where you have less support.

Let him go, and find ways to take care of yourself for a bit.

Edingril · 31/10/2024 06:12

No matter how bad this sounds I would get rid focus on your children till they grow to give you time to mature before dating again

Lottemarine · 31/10/2024 06:14

Hmm they obviously have a close relationship, but I guess it’s how much you are willing to put up with and endure?

Even if they are not into each other, she obviously features quite a bit in his life and yes it sounds like you are in the middle. I would talk to him about it and express how it doesn’t sit so well with you.

If he doesn’t like it, you know your answer.

RedRumRed · 31/10/2024 06:16

While I do think people can have friends of the opposite sex, it's rare for there to be zero sexual interest at all, usually one half of the 'friendship' is interested.

He's definitely crossed a few boundaries so yes, I'd say he's interested in her, and now she's single he may be wanting to take things further now.

Can you have a chat with him and talk this through?

Farmgoose · 31/10/2024 06:20

I’d say they are almost certainly starting a thing. Most men would probably choose the 20 yr old party girl over a 27 yr old with children and all the restrictions and extra considerations that brings.
You moved on very quickly for someone with tiny children. Don’t be investing too much into this one as it doesn’t sound good. Don’t get pregnant!

TinySmol · 31/10/2024 06:21

Dump him.
Then block and delete.

Sugarysugar · 31/10/2024 06:25

I think that now she has broken up with her bf she and your bf will start a proper relationship: they are obviously very close to each other and he has feelings for her.
He already has been going on " dates" with her - the drinks together - and he prioritised her even when you and he were spending time together.
I think you know yourself it's her he wants to be with. So best to finish with him now and focus on yourself and your children. I'm sure you will meet someone else when the time is right who will be right for you. This guy isn't as his interest is in this other woman.

HaveYouSeenRain · 31/10/2024 06:25

Farmgoose · 31/10/2024 06:20

I’d say they are almost certainly starting a thing. Most men would probably choose the 20 yr old party girl over a 27 yr old with children and all the restrictions and extra considerations that brings.
You moved on very quickly for someone with tiny children. Don’t be investing too much into this one as it doesn’t sound good. Don’t get pregnant!

This with bells on.
dump him and focus on your kids for a bit

autienotnaughty · 31/10/2024 06:29

I'd view your relationship with this guy as casual. Don't get too invested and keep an eye on things.

Maria1979 · 31/10/2024 06:39

This is so out of line. I would have none of it. Take a step back, breathe. He's not respecting you at all. Focus on your children and friends for a while to get your selfesteem up because I can tell you that if I were you and he left in the middle of the night to get her he wouldn't have seen me again. Now he's taking the piss flirting with her right in front of you. He doesn't respect you but you should respect yourself and get out of this "relationship" asap.

TheSilkWorm · 31/10/2024 06:45

He's having a flirtation with her in front of your nose and now she's single she's going to go for it and he's going to reciprocate. Sorry 😞

Oxforddictionary12 · 31/10/2024 06:46

He is prioritising her needs above yours and in a relationship that's not okay. You should be his first priority and he shouldn't be spending whole weekends with her- I'm sure she has other friends. Even if you spoke to him about it and he tried to reassure you I wouldn't feel very reassured as actions speak louder than words. It's really hard but get yourself out OP- no good can come of staying with him.

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 06:50

Op you are just dating. It isn’t serious or likely to be, you are all extremely young. I think it’s having two children that has fundamentally changed things for you. You are looking for something entirely different to what’s being offered here.

I suspect your gut instinct is spot on, even if your boyfriend is unaware of it. To him it may just be a loving friendship with the young 29 year old.

Either way I would end things because I doubt he can offer the relationship you are looking for.

The look you describe I have seen many times, and it is unmistakable.

Hillrunning · 31/10/2024 06:51

He isn't behaving like a friend to her, he is behaving like a surrogate boyfriend. Does he provide that level of care to all his friends, including the male ones? I doubt it. Friendships and just that, they are going beyond. I'd just leave. You will hurt and be sad for a bit but is this really how you want to use what little time you have?

Savingthehedgehogs · 31/10/2024 06:52

It’s at least an emotional affair.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/10/2024 06:52

At 9 months you are still at the stage where you are learning about each other and working out if the relationship has a future. You’ve learned you don’t like how he behaves with his female friends and will prioritise them over you. Objectively, they are good reasons to end it and find someone who has the same outlook as you about friendships.

It’s hard to be objective once you’ve fallen in love with someone but it will save you a lot of pain.

I think you’re right and he is falling in love with her. I think you know that and understandably have come here for second opinions. I agree with the others who have said your suspicions are correct. Do yourself a massive favour and end it with your head high. Letting it drag on till he ends it, or worse, you find out he’s cheating will cause a lot more pain and probably take longer to get over.

Shunup · 31/10/2024 06:57

Farmgoose · 31/10/2024 06:20

I’d say they are almost certainly starting a thing. Most men would probably choose the 20 yr old party girl over a 27 yr old with children and all the restrictions and extra considerations that brings.
You moved on very quickly for someone with tiny children. Don’t be investing too much into this one as it doesn’t sound good. Don’t get pregnant!

100% agree. I don’t think you can or should try to compete with this woman. You absolutely need to focus on your children right now, not exposing yourself to heartbreak.

ImNoSuperman · 31/10/2024 06:57

Not worth the heartache. It's a part time, short term relationship that doesn't meet either of your needs. End it before he physically cheats.

Thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2024 07:01

Just end it. Even if he’s not into her (and it sounds like he is), you have small kids. You don’t have the emotional bandwidth for someone as immature as this and you need to invest that energy in your kids.

boocurl · 31/10/2024 07:03

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP! My first advice is to never listen to a guy who has to tell you that you don’t have to worry about a girl he is friends. This is setting the tone for stepping on boundaries as she’s ’just a friend’.

My ex did this and he ended up up with her afterwards (I called them out and got the ‘oh we’re just friends’ speech but I just knew more had happened) and low and behold it had. I do think men and women can have friendships, I have plenty of male friends and on meeting my now husband who has female friends, I can see both sides that you shouldn’t even have these feelings - there should be respect from both of them (usually I’d put all respect on him but as you’ve met/hung out with her too I’d expect a level of respect from her to your relationship)

If your guts telling you something is wrong then call it out but be prepared to walk away!