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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

227 replies

Sanidi · 31/10/2024 06:01

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

OP posts:
QuirkyPiglet · 31/10/2024 08:15

I don’t understand why he would have a FaceTime conversation with her when you’re there and your time together should be precious time alone. It’s one thing to FaceTime friends if you actually lived together, but you don’t.
You can see what’s happening and I think all the responses are just going to confirm the fact he’s basically dating both of you (he’s going on dates with her, even if he’s not actually having a physical relationship with her yet)

Lwrenn · 31/10/2024 08:19

@Sanidi oh sweetheart, I think no matter what anyone says here you're going to stay with this man because you love him.
My advice as someone who was a single mum from 19 onwards until I got with my now partner is to get rid of this man.
It has heartbreak written all over it, he's into this lassie and she's into him. She's taken the plunge first and ended her relationship, he's dithering before he ends yours and he'll either sleep with her and decide the grass is greener or he'll be gone. Either way, you're going to have your heart broken and you can do it quickly and cleanly by ending it yourself or you can wait around and drag it out.

I waited around and dragged mine out for so long when it eventually ended after months of my heart being broken I'd almost reached a point of not really giving a flying fuck about him any longer, but I wish I'd saved myself the time and energy and just walked away with a shred of dignity.

You're lovely, gorgeous and have your kiddos, the right guy will not be keeping his options open, this guy does.

People who break the hearts of single parents knowing they've got other little people who rely on them aren't ever the "one", they're just twats.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 31/10/2024 08:23

TinySmol · 31/10/2024 06:21

Dump him.
Then block and delete.

Completely this.
You shouldn't have to explain relationship basics or settle for disrespect.

Finish it and keep it moving OP. That energy needs to go into your children.

Noseybookworm · 31/10/2024 08:25

Trust your gut feeling OP - it's telling you there's something more to this than friendship.

CheekySwan · 31/10/2024 08:26

In a previous job i was really friendly with a guy i worked with. Used to joke he was my work husband because we got on really well, talked a lot and he was genuinely a nice guy, not my type but we would talk all day at work. Went for coffee once or twice but there was never anything in it on my part (I do think he had feelings for me but would never have acted on it), he was and is a happily dedicated married man. We have not worked together for 7 years and we still message each other every now and then but its more to catch up, hows the kids, hows the job that sort of thing.

I think anything more than this, there is probably more to it. You really need to ask him if there is more going on or if he is developing feelings for this girl. You post says he has told you not to worry about this girl - has this popped up in the past? It's an odd thing to say

barkingdam · 31/10/2024 08:28

My son is 20 so much younger than your boyfriend he has really good female friends. But although he has a girlfriend and also hangs out with female mates he would never make her feel less special or ignore her to Facetime them. He sounds v immature for 28.

oldcow44 · 31/10/2024 08:29

Yeah this is a pisstake from both of them. Whether he fancies her or not, he's investing a lot of time and energy into the 'friendship' often at the expense of you and your feelings. It must be awful to be sat home alone with your dc at a weekend knowing that he's on days out with another woman.

She sounds very immature as well. I would speak to him about it and gauge his reaction. If he's defensive or unwilling to prioritise your feelings I think that tells you all you need to know.

BookishType · 31/10/2024 08:34

I’d end it as it doesn’t sound like he’s that into you.

With such young kids, you should be focussing on them anyway and not having any other drama with a boyfriend.

Hocuspoc · 31/10/2024 08:35

She is absolutely into him, everything you described - no doubt there. Probably broke up with her bf because she got some positive vibing from your bf so she opened that door.
Now, your bf may as well be looking at her like a friend, I've seen so many such relationships at my work... Nice looking men in late 20s early 30s in relationships and girls recently joining company going after them - it is always a group friendship story at first but soon becomes obvious when there is one-to-one socialising begins. Even examples of platonic sleepovers.
And tbh mostly these guys stay in their current relationships...but sometimes also not.
The thing is you are too sensitive to put up with this and frankly can't see you would have energy and time in your situation to deal with a 20 year old who is actively seducing your bf every single day. You don't need this...
I'd tell him though straight up. Don't accuse him if he told you he is not into her, just say something like:
Look your work friend is clearly into you, as I woman I know I can tell. I love you and trust you but spending exclusively time with her so much is just disrespectful. I am competing here for time with someone who has all the time in the world and it is ruining the great thing we have going on. If you want us to stay together the situationship with her has to end politely tell her you have no time to be her best friend as you are also leading her on. If you are into her and want to explore that, please tell me now we are all grown ups.

Then you will just know. If he tells you he wants to end it with you but not because he is into her but because you don't trust him and are being unreasonable not allowing him work friendship - in that case he is a classic gaslighter (you can choose to tell him that) and you would go crazy with him at some point anyway. So run.

whatsthatwordagainfeet · 31/10/2024 08:36

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms"

Agree! She’s also dating and seeing this guy when the children have their designated time with their Dad! So she wouldn’t be spending ‘precious time’ with her children as they are not there and it doesn’t affect them. They don’t know this guy exists.

holju · 31/10/2024 08:38

He's flirting with her in front of your face, so disrespectful. As someone who put up with this behaviour from an ex for far too long, I'd urge you to ditch him. Even if she loses interest, he'll start behaving like this with someone else.

whatsthatwordagainfeet · 31/10/2024 08:38

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 31/10/2024 07:32

Ffs focus on your poor children!

She’s seeing this man when her children stay at their dads 🤷‍♀️ not sure how she can focus on them when they’re not there

GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 08:38

The way you describe that facetime incident with the cutesy voices and compliments sounds like you ended up third wheeling on a date between them, tbh.

I'm afraid I agree with this others. Leave dating for now. Concentrate on enjoying your children when they are young and get yourself into a really good position. You don't need to be in a relationship right now.

Tbh, I'd consider spending the time when your children are with their dad doing something for yourself. Friends, hobbies, study. But something that is going to enrich your life in the way hanging around woth a bloke who is flirting and showing an interest in someone else won't.

BustyLaRoux · 31/10/2024 08:39

I think if you said you wanted to chill the relationship a bit, then in a couple of weeks you’d find they were dating. There is an air of inevitability about this. What’s stopped them is that both had partners. Now she doesn’t….

whatsthatwordagainfeet · 31/10/2024 08:44

Also the teddy bear voice thing 🤢 I would get rid.

Greyrocked · 31/10/2024 08:47

I would let him go. Even if there is no fling about to happen he isn’t ready to be your partner. He is being a short term boyfriend.

GreyCarpet · 31/10/2024 08:54

In a nutshell, OP.

Most of the replies you get will be from women who are older than you. I'm 50.

I was also a single mother at 26. And again at 37. So I've been where you are. But you'll think we don't understand and why shouldn't you be happy and why can't he just value/respect you a bit more? And why can't it just be easy? And all the other questions you've got rattling around your head right now.

I know you're going to ignore all the advice you're given on here to dump him and that's not a criticism. It's just the way it goes. And it'll probably pan out just as people on here have predicted.

And, when you're 50, you'll be on here and read something similar and you'll be saying the same as posters are saying to you and you'll also know that she won't listen to the advice either. And you'll also wish that you had.

It's hard and you do deserve to be happy and loved and cherished and respected. It isn't just about how you feel about him, it's also about how he feels about you, how he treats you and how he makes you feel generally (not I love him so much feelings).

And what you need to ask yourself is, is this 28 year old man who is behaving foolishly with another woman in front of you deserving of your love? Your precious time? Your life?

Sorry. That wasn't really a nutshell at all...

Blueskieslookingatme · 31/10/2024 09:05

Pinkpurpletulips · 31/10/2024 07:54

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms" is just nasty. OP has done nothing wrong other than finding herself dating a man with a wandering eye who doesn't have the guts to break up with her for his special "friend". She was going out with somebody age appropriate and it's just sad that things aren't working out. OP is young and I can't see why she can't have a relationship as well as this "precious time". There was no suggestion that she was even seeing this man when she had her children with her. What is OP meant to do when her children are with her ex - take up embroidery?

Exactly.

Supersoakers · 31/10/2024 09:06

Yes he does fancy her. She makes him feel like a hero rescuing her. The teddy bear voice would end it for me though.

Autumnalsun · 31/10/2024 09:07

I assume if they wanted to be together then they would be.

There’s nothing to stop them, especially if you think they both feel the same way.

It reads to me as though they’re just good friends but I don’t think it matters anyway because I can’t see you ever feeling comfortable with their friendship.
So I don’t think you have any choice but to end the relationship.

Do you have friends?
It reads to me like he has friends and a more of a life outside of the relationship, whereas you have just your kids or see him.

Do you not spend time with friends etc when you don’t have your kids or do you just spend all of your free time with him?

Thursdaygirl · 31/10/2024 09:08

Pinkpurpletulips · 31/10/2024 07:54

I think the OP is getting a hard time here and comments about wasting "this precious time and energy you could have with your babies on infantile ‘relationships’ with randoms" is just nasty. OP has done nothing wrong other than finding herself dating a man with a wandering eye who doesn't have the guts to break up with her for his special "friend". She was going out with somebody age appropriate and it's just sad that things aren't working out. OP is young and I can't see why she can't have a relationship as well as this "precious time". There was no suggestion that she was even seeing this man when she had her children with her. What is OP meant to do when her children are with her ex - take up embroidery?

This

3luckystars · 31/10/2024 09:10

He is gone already, I’m sorry this happened. Get away fast and good luck x

Thatdontimpressmemuchh · 31/10/2024 09:10

I'm sorry to say this but I believe nearly all men would pick the single, childfree, carefree woman over the slightly older one with two kids thrown into the mix that are not his.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 31/10/2024 09:11

I predict a "this isn't working out" chat before December.

BabyCloud · 31/10/2024 09:11

I would step back now and end it before you get hurt. He treats her like she is his girlfriend. Does he do the same for you?