I think he's falling in love with the girl he told me not to worry about

[Sanidi]

Im 27, I have 2 kids who are 2 and 4, their dad and I broke up 18 months ago.
For the last 9 months ago, I met a guy on a dating app and we've been together since. I have my kids 50/50 with my ex and we agreed no introducing to partners before it's been a year so my bf hasn't met my kids.
This weekend I had my kids so I didn't see my bf. I have my kids Monday Tuesday and every other Friday-Sunday so they are off to their dads now until Sunday. I went to see my bf last night (Wednesday night). This was after a particularly low contact weekend, usually we FaceTime when the kids are in bed but he had plans with friends.
While I was there one of his friends FaceTimed him. She's 20, so 8 years younger than him but they work together. She's just broke up with her long term boyfriend and was crying.
I've always felt a bit threatened by her, they do stuff together just them often. In the summer they went for drinks in the park or drinks after work together a lot. He always told me not to worry, they are just friends.
One night when I was staying at his she called him (not her boyfriend) at 2am because no Ubers were accepting her and cabs are expensive and she didn't know what to do (Thursday night so no night tube either). He left me at his to go get her (walking to where she was a good 25 min away) bringing her back to his and she slept in the living room. I was annoyed but again she's just a friend.
Weekend before last I went out with him and her and some of his other friends. She'd broke up with her boyfriend on the Saturday this was the Sunday and I felt like he was just looking at her in that way? I don't know how to explain it but that look when guys are just really into someone. He did it again last night while she was on FaceTime.
He's also hung out with her all weekend, they went to an art exhibition, for food etc. other friends joined at points but they were also alone a lot too.
I feel like I also sense it from her, she's always very complimentary like when he answered the FaceTime call she was like "oh you shaved, you look good" or comments on him being "cute".
She also has a teddy bear or something and during the call he would speak as though he was the teddy bear (things like "cheer up and give me a cuddle" but in a silly voice) which feels really weird to do with a friend?

AIBU to think he's falling for her? It's breaking my heart as I actually love him so much and it feels like he loves someone else?

Pinkpurpletulips

I don't disagree with you.

I don't think it's her the vitriol is really aimed at though.

I think it's him or a younger version of themselves who they wished had had the experience to see it back then themselves.

A frustration maybe that so many women find themselves with sub par men in sub par relationships because they love them. Or the myth of happily ever after? The idea that, if you're in a relationship, at least you're not alone.

Maybe a wish that they'd received forthright words back then.

But mostly I think that a lot of women are just frustrated by seeing yet another young woman who has her whole life ahead of her, with two beautiful children tie herself up in knots trying to make sense of yet another crap man's crap behaviour.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationahipnor using your free time to pursue one but no one should be wasting their time with a waste of space. And, while the wrong one is standing in the doorway, they're stopping the right one from getting in.

I think it's more that than wanting to be nasty to her personally.

Ah no this is crossing all boundaries. I would end it with this guy.

OP you and this man are at different life stages even though you are similar ages.
You already have a young family, and because he hasn’t met your DC, he has no concept of what your life is really like.
He dates you and I am sure enjoys your company. But he also has a lot of free time and this girl clearly means something to him. He gets to be the white knight/saviour and that makes him feel good about himself. The teddy bear thing is nauseating.
You will be vulnerable after your last big break up. If you stay with this man you will be accepting his behaviours. Which are disrespectful.
It’s really tough I know but be the grown up you already are and walk away.
And leave him to baby this girl.

It’s really good that you stuck to the agreement not to introduce any other bf to your children until you had been serious for a year. Very wise and decent, firmly putting the well being of your children first, which of course is your priority.

One of the problems with 50/50 once your relationship is over is that you might be lonely when the children aren’t around. So I can see why you might have fallen for this man as it seemed convenient for him to be a part time bf. I’m not saying he didn’t really fall for you, but he’s young and it seems he really doesn't want to settle into full time commitment. He’s so immature that he is even flaunting his new love interest in front of you, pretending there’s nothing in it.

From what you have described, and as you know deep down, he wants to explore being with her, which shows you he hasn’t fallen for you as much as he’s probably told you. For now, he’s enjoying having you part time as well as her for his future. Toying with you both.

You are very unlikely to win him OP, no matter what he says. And why would you want to really, even though you feel you are in love with him. He isn’t a keeper at all. He is going to cheat.

He isn’t good enough for you or your children. The longer you try to keep it going, the more pain you will feel.
if you are in pain, then your children will also suffer.
He has nothing much to offer now except the inevitable heart break.
Continue to put your children first and be glad that you always have. You can hold your head up high for that.
Wishing you all the best.

I think you are right OP

If they like each other why are they not together then? Surely he could just break up with you and date her, so why is he not doing that if they’re falling for each other, as there’s nothing to tie him to you.

Oh Op I’m sorry.
For me the red flag here isn’t the going to save her on the night out. It sounds like he’s a decent lad for helping out, and most people would do that for a good friend. But the FaceTiming. That’s weird, that’s not even including the teddy..don’t get me started on the voices and teddy

I thinks she’s probably looking for a little rebound hook up and that look you say you saw from him, is potentially because she’s started to cross the boundary.

I think whether or not you bring it up, this is gonna hurt and again I’m so sorry he’s making you feel like this.

The thrill of the.chase? Of it being something illicit? Wanting to make sure it's genuine/has legs before cutting off his current source of sex? Not an impulsive person? Hasn't had a "so what's this then?" chat? Feelings for the OP? Confusion over what he feels and for whom?

Lots of reasons.

But even if he doesn't want to be with this other woman, it doesn't mean that he is behaving respectfully towards the OP.

Throw this one back OP. You already know how it's going to play out.

Because she already had a boyfriend. AND she might actually be keeping him at arms length but using him as a little puppy.

OP seen it and her instincts are right. We shouldn’t tell women to ignore them.

If it stinks like shit - it’s most likely a turd

Load of drama only 9 months in

you don’t trust him so just end it

OP you deserve better than a 27 year old “man” who is chasing around after 20 year olds.
Also ignore the comments saying “focus on your children” - you are allowed to date and have a love life when your kids are with their dad!
Also ignore the comments that a single parent shouldn’t compete with a 20 year old, you will find love again this one just isn’t the right one for you. You aren’t inferior, he’s just not on your maturity level.

I would “throw this one back” as they say here and seek someone more mature - this one sounds too immature for you.

You're at different stages of life, certainly where I live it's unusual to have two children at your age , most twenty something men aren't ready for family life. There is clearly a connection with this colleague, whether that goes anywhere isn't relevant. You don't trust him.
It's such an early part time relationship it's really not worth the hassle. This is why you've done the right thing and not introduced him to your children yet. Throw this one back.

Sorry love, that's a young man falling in love with a younger woman who has no children, nothing taking her attention away from him, flatters and makes him feel needed, and shares (or is pretending she shares) his interests.

Her relationship ended (did she end it? Did her ex, because of this friendship?), she's now monopolising his time, throwing compliments and playing the helpless young girlie card. Whereas you are his age and have responsibilities that he isn't part of.

I'd say face that now, stop worrying and asking and suspecting, and let him go. It will save you a lot of future heartache and-sad posting here.

Focus on the children for now. Out of one bad relationship and into an uncertain one so quickly isn't good for any of you.

Maybe concentrate on your kids for a bit. You sound like you’re spending an awful lot of mental energy on this man.

This is not a relationship I would be interested in. Absolutely fine and normal to have friends of both sexes. Not fine and normal to be behaving as a couple with a "friend" of the opposite sex. Not normal to be at someone's beck and call at all hours of the day and night. Not normal to be doing weird baby talk with teddy bears (boak) with "friends".

Honestly in your shoes I would just focus on my kids and enjoying their childhood. It goes FAST. I wouldn't waste it being preoccupied by this teenage nonsense with overgrown man children. If you really feel the need for romantic company, why not just keep it breezy? Date and have fun, separately to your kids. But there's no need to be investing in anything on a level where you can be hurt. It's not a case of being "allowed" to have a relationship when you've got kids. Of course you're allowed to do what you want. But this doesn't seem to be making you happy. I'm in the thick of bringing up young children right now and I absolutely wouldn't have the headspace for all the emotions and excitement that come with new relationships, even the good ones.

It wasn’t really going anywhere - it’s unlikely such a young man would take on two children in the long term anyway.

Absolutely correct, well said.

I think your post is perfectly clear Op. She's not just a friend, trust your gut.

She is fresh out of a long term relationship with the children’s father. It’s all imploded pretty early on as the children are so young.

Working on herself, how she is in relationships, her interests, developing a career and mostly her children’s well being should be the focus.

She is very young and there is plenty of time for romantic relationships. For now, it’s too soon and she has more pressing issues and responsibilities tbh than the wandering eye of this boyfriend. As it was put unkindly.

He wants in her pants, frankly, and he's spending as much time with her as he is with you now. Drop him and move on with your life.

This!

Agree with this.

Dust yourself down and treat yourself kindly

Yeah I agree with everyone saying that they are basically dating already and he will probably start with a chat soon about how you are not working out.

Remember OP, it’s ok to not be alright with any friendship of your partner. Obviously some aspects of this can be controlling, but only in cases of clear abuse, ie distancing someone from all friends and family. But in most relationships we should be allowed to blackball a partners friend if it’s crossing boundaries, I once did with my partner, he said please don’t ruin my friendship (with the young hot one from work), but we had got to the stage of phone calls every night, including while I was laying next to him in bed, luckily he did see it my way.

As is always said in these cases, they never form close friendships with 60 year old Nigel or Barbara from accounts do they!

It’s perfectly obvious he wants her. Let him go.