Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

[Holidayregrets]

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

@HolHolidayregrets glad he apologised. Not the sort of behaviour I'd be impressed with. I get the frustration of someone who snores, my partner is like a foghorn but I've got used to it. I snore if I turn onto my back and he has the audacity to wake me up 😩🤣

I would though be sitting and having a chat with him later to ask why this holiday feels different to the last? You say he's barely touched you whereas all over you on the last one. What's bothering him?

I think you’ll find others agree with me. I stand by what I said ✌️

I feel like we're missing a lot of context given the length of your relationship, OP. Is this the first event like this in 16 years or is there a pattern of behaviour?

I have thought about this and in fact I think that if someone even yelled while someone is asleep, or shoved the shoulder it would be unacceptable. If someone is snoring they are in a deep sleep and the snoring is involuntary. It is bonkers to think it is okay to get physical or yell.

Someone waking you up constantly by snoring is hard going, but options are to have an agreed strategy like being able to wake them nicely to get them to change positions, or ear plugs or sleeping in different rooms or both.

Has OP said what she is doing to address her own snoring? Perhaps I have missed this.

I have slammed my phone down very hard on the side table and kicked him in the shin so hard he woke up. The pillow wouldn’t have been enough release for me. Arguably, my responses are more violent!

Is there a chance he could be unwell? Behavioural change can have physical causes. You mention he is 3 decades older, could he be experiencing a bit of 'droop', hence the pillow punching in frustration?

What did your partner say about being kicked in the shins?

I'm late to the thread so haven't read all the responses, but not gonna lie, I've done this to my husband. Plus shouted at him, shoved him very hard, hit him on the shoulder and pulled the pillow from under his head. If you haven't slept with a severe (drunk) snorer, you have no idea how enraging it is. It makes me want to do a lot worse tbh. There... but I daresay if it was a bloke doing this to a woman, they'd get a lot more stick.

I agree @bluedelphiniums - it's fucking torturous! Especially when they do nothing to help themselves stop snoring!

I disagree with this personally, or at least partly. Sometimes in extreme situations, punching a cushion or slamming a door, is really cathartic and helps to release frustration. Just to repeat, I do mean in extreme situations. So I'm not saying every time I get mad.
You have to admit, life these days can be excruciatingly frustrating and every once in a while it gets too much to bear. For me, it's usually when I'm trying to solve an issue via a call centre who's passing me around, or a live chat and they're just getting it and you've spent 5247732 hours/days trying to resolve it but getting nowhere.

To be clear, I would never do it as close to someone as OP's DH did, that's entirely different.

@Nothatgingerpirate Wow you married someone who was 30yrs old when you were born?!?

Yes, I did.
It worked out for both of us, as for what we wanted or didn't want in life.

Men who punch inanimate objects are letting you know how much they want to hit you.

This would cross a line for me. I wouldn't feel safe with a man who did this. He intended to let you know what he could do and frighten you into line.

Prick.

Violence? For waking DP for snoring? myself and DP do that regularly (not daily!) I think this is a bit extreme. Podcasts! eye masks! they all help. SUper annoying if a light sleeper (like me) to have have avoidable disruptions, we all work have kids etc, and DP falls asleep straight away anyway (not the case for you, for which i am sad, but the suggestion of violence is ludicrous...)

He's violent to a pillow? Is that the end of the world? Lots of my family members, DP, DD, me included have not terrors, sleepwalking etc.. There's obvs a lot more involved but a nightmare is not a reason in and of itself to end a partnership!!!

He punched right next to her face.

If she was up against a wall and he punched the wall next to her face, people would be calling that violent.

I can't believe all these people telling the OP that she's in severe danger, etc., talk about over reaction. When my DH and I used to sleep together, I got to a point where I was so tired due to his snoring, that I literally picked up a pillow one night, and was about to put it over his head, when thankfully he woke up. If he hadn't, I literally have no doubt that I would have suffocated him, I was at my wits end due to sleep deprivation, but love him dearly, and would NEVER be physically aggressive toward him if I were in my right mind.

As far as the OP's post is concerned, I get the feeling that her DH was just pretty pissed off that her snoring was keeping him awake, and thumped the pillow to try and make it more comfortable, in the hope that he could drop off. In any case OP, if you were asleep and snoring when he hit the pillow, how can you be sure it was right beside your head??

I know, the dramatics on this thread are ridiculous.

thumped the pillow to try and make it more comfortable

Wtf? That's some truly creative attempt to minimise what he did! He repeatedly punched the pillow to wake her up! OP said that and her husband admitted it. He wasn't 'trying to get more comfortable' (as if you repeatedly punch a pillow to get more 'comfortable'!), his aim was to wake her up! And the gaslighting! You wake up and SEE your husband punching the pillow next to your head but...but...but 'how can you be sure it was next to your head'!

This is why women are too afraid to tell anyone about DV. Women are our own worst enemies and will MINIMISE and GASLIGHT and make us doubt ourselves, instead making sure we trust our instincts. 2024, and we still have women saying punching a pillow next to your face is 'just trying to get more comfortable' and 'how can you be sure he was punching a pillow, maybe your eyes weren't working'. This thread is depressing, women truly don't see how deeply interalised misogynistic and gaslighting of each other they are.

No one is being GASLIGHT. Get a grip.

Because the two situations are even remotely comparable FFS.

Give your head a wobble and stop exaggerating, enough people have already confirmed how mind blowingy annoying snoring is.

I've slept on the sofa for the last week since dh's snoring kept me awake all night. I was sobbing, swearing, shouting, everything. Not because I hate him but because I was desperate. I could feel the bed vibrating every time he snore, even with my noise cancelling headphones in. Lied today and said I had an upset tummy just to get some sleep in my bed. Seriously, someone else's snoring makes you ill, angry, unreasonable.

Snoring is annoying, sure. IT DOES NOT JUSTIFY someone punching the pillow right next to your face!!!! My dad snored badly at times (usually after drink) and mum would (lightly) shake his shoulder to wake him up, and he'd roll over on his other side. No need for REPEATEDLY PUNCHING THE PILLOW!! There ARE other options than that!