Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

[Holidayregrets]

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

I wouldn't be scared no, unless there's a massive back story then for me punching a pillow does not equal unsafe.

I am not saying my reactions to the snoring are great but just trying to explain the level of frustration and anger some people feel about bad snoring.

I whole heartedly agree here. I was with my DH for 18 years, plenty of rows in that time but never a hint of violence. One night when he was drunk he threw a mug at me (so hard it smashed and left a dent in the wall behind me where I'd dodged it) Absolutely the beginning of the end for me. I left 8 months later after a ton of soul searching. Totally unacceptable and petty to not go on the booked trip with you x

Yes indeed. Be careful, OP. Whatever the reason for his changed behaviour, he sounds dangerous.

And ffs, my DH used to snore like a chainsaw before he lost weight. Ironically, I’m now the one who snores occasionally. Neither of us has ever responded with aggression — and punching the pillow beside your face is a very nasty threat.

Also silicone ear plugs are fantastic. Very comfortable and block out a lot of noise. Usually a great price on Amazon, I'd invest, even if just you end up using them x

Oh come on. There isn't nearly enough information in the posts from OP to be able to give any kind of proper advice, let alone telling her to ltb.

I hope the day has gone better, but the two of you really need to make sleep hygiene for both of you a priority. Sleep deprivation can turn you both into the worst versions of yourself.

Snoring can ruin a relationship. How long have you been snoring for OP? Have you gone to the Drs and tried to get help to stop the snoring? It appears that he laid there listening to you snore all night long until 5:25am as that is when he punched his pillow waking you up. I can imagine how exhausted and frustrated as I have been there. Punching a pillow is actually advised as a healthy way to vent such feelings. I don’t agree it is some sort of gateway to beating up a person or murder anymore than a pillow fight would.

I went through similar although DH snores and we now have our own bedrooms. I can still hear him snore from the other end of the house through two closed doors and a long hallway but at least it’s like a cat purring instead of a chainsaw.

OP I just want to make a book recommendation that may open your eyes a bit - Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

You need to record him snoring next time he does so you can say, he disturbs you, too, but you don’t treat him like that. Take the moral high ground 😉

I think it's impossible to answer without knowing more detail that others have asked about - was he aiming a punch to your pillow right next to your head? Or punching his own pillow in frustration? Or a different scenario?

Many, many of us have experienced a different kind of sleep deprivation - related to newborn babies rather than snorers. I wonder how many of us have punched the cot mattress whilst baby is in there? I'm guessing not many, because most people are capable of controlling their frustration to some extent.

OP, ask yourself - at times when you have experienced extreme frustration have you been able to control yourself enough to prevent you from frightening or intimidating anyone? And then ask yourself what you truly believe your DHs intentions were. Go from there x

I wouldn't find this acceptable what he did I was in a dv marriage and it does start off with small things for example it started with me having spoons thrown at me or similar then got verbal over time and then hands round neck thrown across the room etc so no I wouldn't put up with this

My now dh snores like mad and quite often makes noises in his sleep like startled noises dreams I'm guessing anyway we no longer sleep in the same room because I can't deal with it anymore we did for years but now I can't it hasn't affected our sex life or general relationship being in separate rooms at all
On holiday we do sleep in the same room but I can deal with that for a few days to a week
To be honest im not a perfect sleeper myself I don't snore but I suffer trying to fall asleep most nights so this would keep him up to which equally wouldn't be fair on him

I dunno. When my DH keeps me awake snoring my strategy for causing him to wake enough to turn on to his side is to basically throw myself around a lot in the bed and plump my pillow aggressively. Nudging him doesn’t work. He almost never wakes up, but if he did he might reasonably complain that I was punching the pillow next to his face.

When I’ve shared a room with my daughter she has thrown pillows at me. I gave her permission to, but I was at the time under the impression that I didn’t snore.

Many, many of us have experienced a different kind of sleep deprivation - related to newborn babies rather than snorers. I wonder how many of us have punched the cot mattress whilst baby is in there? I'm guessing not many, because most people are capable of controlling their frustration to some extent.

No, it’s because newborn babies let you sleep a hell of a lot more than a snorer does.

Maybe your newborn did 🤣

Bad snorers are relentless from the moment they fall asleep. It literally doesn't stop and that is every night. I've never had a newborn cry none stop for 8 hours all night every night.

Honestly I've had 3 newborns and 2 were awful sleepers. It is just not comparable.

Newborns, plural. Even my colicky one that only slept in 45min spurts until the age of 2 gave me a lot more sleep than my DH who snored nonstop all night long. Snoring on both the inhale and exhale.

I do understand what you and other pp are saying. I suppose the point of my post is it is the intent behind what OPs DH did that is the key thing here (which I don't think we can tell from the OP). Lots of us have been highly frustrated (and I have slept with a snore too btw) but I don't believe for a second we would direct violence at someone because of it.

Snoring can drive people to insanity.

I'm probably imaging the same as you having spent years with an epic snorer.

I've been driven to the point of tears of frustration because not only was he the loudest snorer ever, he was an incredibly deep sleeper. DID NOT WAKE no matter how many shoves he got, how many pillows I pummelled in tearful frustration and how many FFS I yelled, if I didn't fall asleep first, it was never a good nights sleep. There was not an alternative either, I tried the sofa many times and could still hear him. When we moved to a place with more distance between the bed and the tv I loved the nights he fell asleep in front of the tv and I knew I'd get a good sleep 😆

So, one punch to a pillow isn't the huge red flag it seems to be to nearly everyone else. Even now, 15 years after our divorce, I can remember that incredibly intense level of frustration and sleep deprivation 🤷‍♀️

Have you always been a snorer OP, has it worsened or is it a new thing? Have you ever had a sleep study? Maybe try one of those snoring apps just to get an idea of whether there is an issue to address. Your snoring might surprise you

Yeah and snorers don’t ever grow out of it, there is no splitting the nightwakings like with a baby, there is no break.

Punching a pillow isn’t directing violence at a person.
A pillow isn’t a person even if it has a pillowcase with a 😴 face printed/drawn on it.

Being kept awake by someone snoring gives me the rage. Totally unlike any other anger I have ever experienced.

I have never lashed out but I can totally empathise with people who have been driven to screaming, kicking, crying, shoving etc.

It is unbearable.

Sorry wrong thread

Me too @StormingNorman

I also think it's the height of selfishness that snorers don't vacate the bed/ bedroom when they're aware of their snoring. It's horrendous!

Wrong thread @PearlStork ?!