Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

[Holidayregrets]

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

Have you spoken to him about it yet?

The only thing that could wake my DH up from his snoring was if he snored a roaring crescendo and woke himself up. He’d then nudge me (wide awake, can’t sleep a wink and silently seething) and mumble, ‘you’re snoring honey’ before rolling over and getting back to sawing logs.

I know I have aggressively fluffed my pillow many a night.

The trouble is in a hotel there is no sleeping on the sofa or in another room.

And being deprived of sleep when you know you have a big day is always worse.

I've kicked my legs up and down on the mattress in frustration, shouted, shoved in the shoulder etc.

This is a 16 year relationship. If he's been fine for the rest of it I'd see it as frustration not violence but none of us have further context to go off.

Still considered to be threatening and abusive though! He might not have hit her but his behaviour suggests that he is aggressive enough to potentially do so in the future. And no snoring is not an excuse to behave in such a way.

As I said, it really depends on exactly how this actually played out. In theory I agree and it usually isn't, however it still could be. As an example a pp asked, "did he get up, loom over you and fire a right cross onto your pillow?"

That example I would class as violence towards a person.

This gives me a bad feeling, but I don't know if I'm projecting. My ex once punched me in the face while I was sleeping, he pretended he'd done it in a dream but he was incredibly violent anyway so I knew it wasn't an accident. But it is quite an aggressive reaction regardless.

No, punching your pillow when you’re the only person awake isn’t threatening or abuse. His behaviour suggests nothing of the sort.

I went through a period of suffering from really bad insomnia and although my husband doesn't snore, if I was dozing off and he made a noise which jerked me awake I would feel utterly enraged. I can understand why someone feeling sleep deprived would punch a pillow. Clearly something is wrong but it's not obvious if lack of sleep is causing your husband's lack of interest in sex. Insomnia and low sex drive can both be symptoms of depression but lack of sleep can be the cause of depressive symptoms too. I hope you and your husband work it out op.

Go and educate yourself about domestic abuse.

How are things now OP?

I’m on this side of the fence. My husband’s snoring is so loud even the best earplugs don’t help and it’s affected so many aspects of our lives. There were nights when I was so tired and angry I very nearly lost the plot. At home and even when we go on holiday now we have to have separate rooms, I can’t sleep with him because none of the snoring solutions helped him and the noise is appalling. I know one couple who divorced over snoring and the impact it had on their relationship.

I suggest you both have a conversation about the snoring (I know you said he snores but evidently not enough to keep you awake). Don’t underestimate how frustrated and sleep deprived the partner of a loud snorer can get, and how that can affect their behaviour. If you have other problems in the relationship then you need to open up communication to try to sort things out.

I am going by on the balance of probability, not an improbable possibility.
I agree there is a teeny tiny chance it could be worrisome.

I threw a pillow at my DHs head when we were staying with friend on sofa beds, he was snoring so loud!!

I was worried he would wake the entire house up. He just mumbled and carried on!. Punching the pillow next to his face I feel would be next level aggressive.

I studied at the school of hard knocks, you?

You seem pretty ignorant to me

Try the women’s aid website

Or the book I’ve already recommended

This has brought me to tears because sadly, I have direct experience of how this escalates. My ex used to get irrationally angry if moved about too much in my sleep or I did anything that affected his sleep. The first thing I’d know is I was woken by him forcefully shoving me. He would get SO angry. Same if our children woke in the night. And then soon the other violence started where he’d hit, slap, shove or knock me over when he was frustrated about random things. I’m just saying that if he is getting so wound up about something like that where he can’t control his emotions and it results in physical aggression, please be really careful. My experience was that it got progressively more physically aggressive towards me. I hope you’re ok.

So because I disagree with you that makes me “pretty ignorant” on domestic abuse? Can you not defend your opinion without calling posters “ignorant”?

It is pretty normal for educated people with relevant life experiences to not agree on everything.

My husband has sleep apnea and isn’t a fan of wearing the mask - I have had the darkest thoughts I have possibly ever had sleeping next to him. I think the punch is extreme and if it’s unacceptable to you that’s completely understandable - but the sheer torture I have experienced by being woken so relentlessly throughout the night - I could understand someone’s anger with snoring.

Sleep deprivation through the use of sound, light, or repeated wakings is actually a form of torture.
https://bioethics.hms.harvard.edu/news/new-publication-sleep-deprivation-torture

Hope you're ok, Op

I don’t think of myself as an abuser. But my husband sometimes has nights where he is snoring off and on all night. I try and push him onto his side but he’s much much bigger than me. On a few occasions, I have slapped the bed hard in frustration. So I slap the mattress and occasionally it has jolted him out of the snoring. I have never laid a finger on him and have never hit or punched anybody in my 55 years. Often he wakes up and apologises and goes to the spare room. Our marriage is healthy and long lasting.

I guess each situation is different. And of course, a man has more physical power usually, so when they get angry or frustrated, it is much more frightening.

Agree with several other posters - context is everything. I live with a snorer and my god it can drive you to the brink. I have on occasion whipped all my partners pillows away from under their head and given them a swift kick to the shins and shouted because I was literally at the end of my tether. As someone above said, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason.

All the people saying give the person a gentle nudge - when my partner snores like that a bomb could go off next to their head and they wouldn't stir, especially if they've had a drink.

But my actions were in the context of an otherwise fantastic relationship, and done out of pure frustration, just to get them to shut up - not directed AT them - there is definitely a difference of intention.

I’ve cried on every holiday I’ve ever been on because of DHs snoring. I’ve slept in baths, hallways, hotel receptions and on balconies to escape… and yes on day 3 of no sleep I’ve woken him screaming like a lunatic that if he doesn’t stop I’ll bash his head in with a travel kettle. Its a form of torture to deprive somebody of sleep even if it’s unintentional. The complete exhaustion and the grating on your last nerve because of the constant noise is indescribable. If the rest of his behaviour is ok I would cut him some slack and leave him to catch up on his sleep.

We have separate rooms at home or I would have murdered him years ago!

Slapping the bed would make you an abuser on this thread. Of course the snoring makes him a torturer so even Steven’s I guess.