Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

[Holidayregrets]

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

I agree 😬🫣

Holidays of a lifetime are the worst!! Everyone I know that finally got their holiday they always wanted said it ruins everything- combination of the cost, the expectations, the different things everyone wants out of it and the fact you’ll probably not do it again- we went to the us this year and if I could go back in time and not I would. Hope it gets better op, I’d talk to him and tell him it freaked you out and you can’t help snoring!

You've been together 16 years, so is this behaviour completely out of the blue? The lack of affection sounds really suss.

OP, he punched the pillow right next to your face.
Next time you snore, is your face going to get it? Your face and head, starting while you sleep?
This man is very dangerous and you need to escape him.

I'm sorry, but no.

Grimly hanging on because it's the trip of a lifetime is just pitiful

Get out as soon as you can.

Even if you do snore, that's a violently unhinged response and your memories of this "trip of a lifetime" will forever be tainted by this and whatever other stunt he pulls

Bearing in mind the length of your relationship, has anything else been off or odd recently?

If you feel unsafe, go home or switch to a different hotel.

Ignore PP saying you are overreacting. This is unacceptable and the fact he isn't profusely embarrassed and apologetic is very telling.

Both my DH and I have gone through periods of snoring and whilst we have got annoyed I can't imagine in a million years my DH ever punching anything near me.

Once he was caught in a very scary storm with lightening whilst walking home. He took off his drenched t-shirt and threw it to the side of the room (in a bit of a huff re being soaked) . He didn't see me there and he accidentally got me in the face. It was the most wild, one in a million shot as he wasn't even looking in my direction as I had just walked into the room.

The second he heard the noise he rushed over and actually cried he was so sorry. He even told me that he would fully support me leaving if I felt unsafe etc.

It was a complete accident, but all this to say... Someone who loves you would never do that on purpose and then go silent on you the next day. His reaction with you today says it all.

Male aggression near and towards women is something that should be taken very seriously and I would consider him doing that a huge red flag/warning sign.

I agree. I lived with a snorer and it really does drive the other person to the point of insanity.

Also, all these comments about "violence". He punched a pillow, not a person. Some of you don't appear to live in the real world!

I once shared a room with my DMum on a holiday, and she snored so badly, I didn’t sleep at all. Tried earphones, covering my ears with pillows, etc. I was so tired and frustrated that I actually cried. Not once did I think of directing that frustration towards her or towards something so close to her. Poor pillow wouldn’t have survived me anyway, I was so exhausted and wound up 😂😂. I just toughed it out and slept a few hours once she finally woke up 🙈

I did finally understand why my DDad offered me earplugs before we left 🤣🤣

I'm a little bit sympathetic to him. My DH of 40 years snores, farts and has night terrors. Which have all got worse over time. Sleeping with him was a constant roller coaster of drifting off to sleep only to be woken moments later by a snore or a monumental fart or him thrashing about in response to his terrors. He inadvertently gave me bruises and black eyes many times. In response, occasionally, my gentle nudge to wake him up or roll him over occasionally became a sodding great kick.

A few years ago I had a six week solo holiday around a part of the world he had no interest in visiting. Over those weeks I discovered the joy of an undisturbed nights sleep, As soon as I got back I moved into our spare room and we haven't looked back. We both sleep better now and as a result our relationship has improved immeasurably. It's so much easier to feel affection for someone when you are well rested and they haven't kept you awake all night or elbowed you in the ribs repeatedly.

Do you usually sleep together or have different rooms at home?

I'm very intolerant to noise at night and would choose not to share a bed or even a room if possible, even with those I love most!

Do you usually make situations into catastrophes or is it just when it’s other people’s lives that would be impacted?

Same here! I live alone, and the only one currently sharing my bedroom is my dog. While my preference for sleeping alone is heavily suspected to be trauma related, I couldn’t put up with someone disturbing my sleep. Be quiet or leave 😂

Been clouted by an ex enough times to know what violence is, I’m very much in the real world. As I said violence to objects in your presence is still violence. As a woman if a man behaves like that around me I will feel nothing but unsafe

Hard no from me too. Fuck him. I'd get another room and think about my options.

Totally agree, snoring is absolutely infuriating and I’ve given my OH a good sharp shove on many occasions in an attempt to shut him up and he’s done the same to me! I guess he was more than likely just trying to make you aware he was awake op, not the best way to do it,
Try not to let it spoil your holiday.

I actually could regularly smother my other half when he snores for hours and hours and hours on end.

I think maybe I'm imagining something different than other people based on my own snoring induced sleep deprivation.

Well fair enough - you're entitled to your opinion. But I honestly couldn't get that worked up about someone losing their shit about being kept awake all night. There wasn't any "violence" as far as I can see except against a pillow. Although I don't get why he seems to be sulking today.
And I actually think crying because you ACCIDENTALLY hit someone with a wet T shirt is crazy. If me or DH had done that (accidentally) to the other one I think we'd have cracked up laughing! - we would have apologised though obviously.

My husband snores like a chainsaw, and we now sleep in separate bedrooms. (Yes, he has been to the doc, and was prescribed a spray which helps…a little). It can be enormously frustrating to want to sleep and not be able to do so. I don’t condone what your husband did, but maybe a pair of loop earplugs for him for Christmas would be thoughtful. I couldn’t sleep in the same hotel room with DH without these.

I think the way you've described it is emotive but you haven't actually given enough details for the "he is a violent, deranged abuser" reactions, imo. Did he punch his own pillow, in a sort of grumpy rearranging his pillow and turning over way that he wanted you to hear - but you felt that it was too close to you? Or did he get up, loom over you and fire a right cross onto your pillow? There are very different scenarios possible here.

Things I’ve done to my husband for snoring. Kicked him, shoved him so hard he fell out of bed, whacked him round the head with a pillow.
This is after gentle nudging, harder nudging, physically shaking him awake.
Snoring is literally unbearable. He punched a pillow.

Do you usually minimise situations so that people are at risk of harm?

It would be easy for a woman on the holiday of a lifetime, wanting to cling to a long-term relationship, to try to overlook the absolute danger she is in.

Has your husband tried to murder you? Mine did. It happens.

A lot of MNers know very little of 'life'. Recently someone suggested throwing a glass of water over a sleeping man... that could get you killed. Don't do stupid things. And don't make excuses for people who have demonstrated their aggression.

He's shown you who he is, OP. Get the hell out.

Clearly you've never lived with a man who made you feel unsafe.

Punching a pillow next to her whilst she's at her most vulnerable is violent.

Most violence escalates gradually. Some of us sadly know this from experience.

As long as you’re not scared of him or in any danger, I’d address it with him and tell him it was frightening. Ask if he’s aware how violent he came across and you have concerns, suggest some counselling and see how he reacts. If he reacts angrily, I’d absolutely get rid of the man altogether. Although honestly, I wouldn’t want to stay with him after this anyway. Either way I’d make it extremely clear that it’s a break-up level offence and he has no place making you feel frightened. Just by comparison, I’ve snored a couple of times when I’m in the wrong sleeping position; every time my partner has rolled me gently so I can breathe properly again and the snoring stops. It’s so gentle that I haven’t felt it or really registered it until I’m fully awake and remember it. If he punched anything anywhere in my vicinity, I’d be gone.

I've heard people say that if someone is violent near you, they could be violent to you.
However, being sleep deprived can make you less than rational.